It's a beautiful warm summer's day...

Not a song lyric this time.  Its from Sapphire and Steel, the one with the railway station.  One of my favourites and one of the best TV drama series ever. IMHO.  Also Lumley.

I am still stuck in a bit of a quagmire but trying to push my way through piece by piece.  I have a nasty throat infection going on, and cannot get through to the doctors.  Speaking of which here is a vignette which gives an idea of my current situation wrt MH services here.

So at the moment I have a preliminary diagnosis of Asperger's-like syndrome with PD.  The psychiatrist, who from the start acted more like the scarecrow from the wizard of oz ( you could go this way, or you could go that way....) said she wasnt going to diagnose it, i needed a psychologist.  She then gave me a list of psychologists she had heard of and suggested I contact them.
I tried, but most of them were not taking patients, and certainly not that way.  So i asked her for additional help.  Not much occurred there so after trying again I asked my GP what to do.  he said he could refer direct to Adult Services (not as fun as it sounds) and so he did.  But because I am on the books at the MH team the request bounced straight back to them, and they said I should sort it myself because paperwork and it takes too long.

So even a diagnosis is denied me by Dr Fuckwit and her stooges.

If I wasn't suicidal before I went, I am now,  The lesson here is that there is no help.  This is as good as I will ever feel.  I just have to decide if I can put up with that.  I suspect the answer is no.

Tight as a tourniquet, dry as a funeral drum

I am aware I haven't posted very much recently.  That is because I have been having a bad few days.
There is an episode of MASH where Hawkeye is the only surgeon left who hasn't got flu.  he carries on alone just long enough for the others to recover.  Then he keels over.
It has felt a bit like that.  It isn't an exact parallel because of course everyone has carried on around me as normal.  But in real life I have been feeling more and more distant and withdrawn from everyone around.  I haven't been able to answer the phone for several days.  I can call out on my own terms.  But incoming callers are traumatic. Today I managed a couple but I knew who they were.
The situation with my psychiatrist is as before.  I have had an appointment come through to talk to the practice manager again.  But that is it.  As it was the managers refusal to grant my request that my former psychiatrist be excluded from my case left me totally without support before fathers day, when I needed it most.  I could not talk to them under those circumstances.
I have no care, no medication, no counselling, no nothing.  Just conflict.
My mood has been very very bad.  I have been functioning, mainly.  But carrying a level of deep deep despair.  I spent 3 days last week totally on the couch.
Date has been unreachable and I suspect is not a goer.  Though that may be a solution not a problem.
The trauma reached its zenith on Friday which was Foal's sports day.  Foal is not sporty, and is traumatised by this.  They have been training them to do a long distance run for weeks and Foal was begging me to let her go off sick to avoid it.  I rang the school to find it was a fun run, not compulsory.  3 weeks of pointless trauma.  I stand by my opinion tht competitive sport is utterly corrosive and has no place in PE lessons.  After school if you must.  PE should teach fitness, not conflict.
Because to me, possibly because of Aspieness, there is no difference between competitiveness and conflict.
I remember sports days.  oh yes,  Given I was abused by my Primary School headmaster (psychologically) because I was not 'trying' to catch a ball or run, then was forced to be humiliated in front of everyone I knew and their parents whilst he  commented on a loudhailer....yes I remember them.  Should be banned.
So I was in trauma before it started.  I sat crying in the car for 40 mins before I could go in.  Then I got there, and saw that foals lot started an hour in.  So I took a seat, hunched my shoulders in, got out my Kindle, put sunglasses on and read.  Short of barbed wire I could not have signalled my unwillingness to engage socially more obviously.  And yet 3 people tried to chat to me.  I may have been rude.  Not Fawlty rude but unresponsive apart from grunts.  One was offended I think but, really, I think it was fair enough.
So I am sitting there surrounded by baying wolves.  the parents shouting at their kids to win win win...it was utterly horrible.  Like finding out everyone around you is a murderer.  I withdraw from competition completely.  I cannott do it.  Either people are happy with what I say or they arent.  So this environment was completely harrowing and toxic.  I never want to see anything like it again.
Foal did her best.  Its all I can say.  Next year I will ensure she wont be attending. Ritualised child abuse.
Foal also had a band camp concert on saturday so that was more torment.  Not foals bit, the conversation of the non-vaccinating, alkaline diet, woo worshipping thickshit mummies and daddies waiting outside.
Anyway, highpoints? Saw Minions.  it has very good bits.

she wakes up, she makes up...

So this morning was rushed getting foal ready for her amdram. They are dojng a junior show which I have to witness this evening. It will be excruciating. Part of it is ripoed off from the mechanical lkayers in midsummer niggts dream...foal is the wall who stands between the lovers etc.
Msinky had work to do so i was going to get some modelling tweezers and go to the gym. Only she needed help gangjng stuff up. And like a mug i went.
We worked so well together. Got the job done. Like ateam. Her eyes are so blue. And her tits are magnificent.
Afterwards we sat and had a coffee.
And she was making plans to go out with someone else.
My heart is broken.
My joints are unstable and very painful. Nearly fell off the ladder a few times.
Wish i had