Out of reach, so far,...

So this week underlined a few things.
The trip to Denmark was interesting, and shows how much of my work could be applied to food science etc.  except I now have no way of applying it.  Also the strain of the trip was huge.
My freinds keep coming up with ideas of what I should do next and each one fills me with more horror and despair than the last.  I cannot cope with the notion.  I dont want another career.  I dont want to go into industry because i know I would have no aptitude for it at all.  been there, tried that.  i do not care about making money.  Just do not care.
My brother kept saying "do something you enjoy".  I was.
I havent enjoyed anything else apart from sex for a long time, and I wouldnt make much as a hooker,
My dad is pointing out we need to sort out switzerland and move my stuff out.  I know this.  but it gives me panic attacks just thinking about it.  Because then it is real.
All the way back home from somerset I was daydreaming wee would get back, have a nice tea with mrsinky, then it would be so nice and friendly she would change her mind and it wouldnt be real.
From the minute i walked in teh door she was fucking livid with me for taking up space in the house, for making noise (we had kfc, involving rattly packets.  she finishes hers first, then stares at me and sighs for being rattly), for supporting her when foal threw a tantrum, for not supporting her when she and foal had a run in this morning....she clearly despises me.
I don't want to live.  Really just don't.  I am having to go to a "family" do tonight for the inlaws to celebrate foalmas.  after that ...well my intention is just to stop eating.  Normally I only last a few days on that before i give in.  but lets see how it goes.
Date has been texting.  he was confused by migraine delay. but I dont want to inflict myself on him in this state.  God knows how I am going to get through tonight.  Ive asked if mrsinky wants me there but she says foal does.
Physio...well movement in shoulder is better so have been given more exercises.  The physio, who is extremely beddable, kept struggling with my lack of proprioception.  I kept saying increase the load because i can feel tired, i cannot feel position.  His demos are entertaining.  One exercise he showed me- the starting position is essentially the classic "come and shag me doggy style" position from gay porn.  And very good he looked too. he showed me the easy one, then was nonplussed when i said that the complex one gave me too many things to think about.  for him motion is automatic.  for me it is all deliberate.  so kneeling on all fours then lifting two limbs is enough to think about.  moving as well makes me fall over.
He said, in a nice way, that it was like training a stroke victim.  I said very much, except stroke victims have no badd habits to overwright.  ALL of my movement patterns are bad habits, as I never had the feedback.

you don't know where you met me, you don't know why...

Well today was something of a bust.

First of all the psychologist rang and arranged to see me in a couple of weeks, not today.  He asked if there was anything he should know first...so I said read the blog.

So Hello Clarice.  Do you seek to dissect me with this blunt little tool....

Lord knows whether Clarice will bother to read the blog or not. My expectations are not great.  Pace Cathy but psychologists are the homeopaths of mental health.  they weave their elaborate placebos whilst nature takes its course.  And that is just the good ones.  The bad ones do a lot of harm.  The last one I encountered, at Luton, was a spiteful witch frankly. Tried to slap a BPD diagnosis on me because I objected to her using my first name without an introduction.  The one before that was wet as a herrings bathing costume.  And before that....well a team of them.  Inlcuding the stereotypical art therapist with pencils stuck in loose bun of hair and tie-dyed smock, the earth mother type complete with nursing babe and the one who thought he ran the place.  As Edmund once said, as effective as a catflap in an elephant house.

So why do I bother accessing these folk?  deadly combination of hope and nothing else available.  Same thing that makes people watch Jeremy Kyle.

Aside from that...I had plans this evening, which went tits up due to force majeure so i ended up going to the cinema on my own.  saw age of ultron, which was remarkably grown up though The Vision was borrowing so heavily from Dr Manhattan he nearly turned blue.

But after I left...the old sadness set in.  Rough.  All the things I am doing- they are just distractions.  Spock has been busy setting up stuff to do.  Emo is still rocking.

Something else that had me rocking was the physio this morning.  I mean ok, attractive etc.  but at one point the diagnostic tantric moves he had me doing triggered a bout of no 10 pain from shoulder.  He was flapping around saying do you want to sit down whilst i was just seing flashing lights and trying to remember how breathing went.  I didnt swear at the poor lad.

Later i went to the gym and worked out because I needed something to feel.  gym went well but then i swam...
My favourite stroke is a towing sidestroke- i used to do lifesaving back in the day.  Well as I was doing this...understand how it works, you use the lower arm to pull forawrds, the upper arm is the towing arm.  seeing as I was on my own it was floating.  Weeelll my body contracts as I stroke, a motion that would look like a side to side wave...as the left side contracted my floating ribs decided to pop the wrong side of my iliac crest.  Because I have a hypermobile lower spine and vertebrocostal joints. instant searing pain.  Then the muscles in my side spasm, wrenching my pec and shoulder, which rotates my shoulder and subluxes my elbow.  So now I am spasmed into a sideways curl, left arm not working, cant use left foot, cant lift head out of water.  floated vaguely to side and hung on.  slowly by degrees spasm eased but my god I was close to unconscious in the water.

Oh and my jaw hurts.

fckit

Physical, physical, i wanna get physical...

So today am was physio.
As ever attractive young fit person. Spent a long time explaining eds and letting him write it down. Took ages to tell me my shoulder unstable between the anterior and medial deltoids. Which was what I told reception 2 weeks ago.  We then did the beighton warp of course. 5/5on old criteria.
I have been given some exercises but it took a while to get acoss that proprioceptive deficit means i cannot feel when the exercise is right. Without a mirror or a marker I am fucked. So I had to get him to demonstrate a few times to analyse it. Bonus being feeling up toned young thing while they exercised.
Thoracic spine is stiff, probably spasm. They diagnosed this by having me lie face down then bouncing on top of me.
Hve been given more therabands. The physio latex fetish continues unabated. Anyone slept with a physio? Is it as rubbery as I suspect?
Anyway next stop is psychologist this afternoon. Psychologists and i have a stormy relationship. They think I am awkward. I think they are quacks who flunked med school and took up snake oil. Not hopeful of good outcome. Hopefully this evening will be better.

Then I curse you, in the name of all nature. You are a twisted abhorrence.

Today sucked.

There are many causes of it sucking but one more than any other.
I had an ablism incident at David Lloyd Ipswich.

You may remember that I had problems here before with people parking like complete arses and the effete management doing nowt?  Well to be fair the new manager in place there has put cones down and actually done something about it.  Kudos. When I was ranting to him I explained that part of the issue was that people did not believe that disabled people use the facilities, despite daytime being all about the crips.  I said we needed an education campaign.  Something showing how inclusive David Lloyd can be.  Something affirming that disabled people are members like any others.

He said that had to come from above.  Well David Lloyd lts see some action.  Here is why.

Today I went to David Lloyd Ipswich in order to do my physio exercises, as discussed here.  I parked in the disabled spaces as normal and then fiddled a bit with the radio which is a bit wonky.  As I was doing so a car, pictured, pulled up next to me. Containing the gentleman pictured.  Picture taken in a public place, actually he even posed for it.

I asked him if he held a blue badge as he was parked in a disabled space.

His answer was that no he  had not.  But it was a gym.

I said disabled people use the gym.

His answer was that if they needed to park that close to the door they cant and shouldn't use the gym. That there was too much provision for them and it wasn't necessary because as he said, disabled people shouldn't use the gym.

I was appalled at such naked bigotry and, well, hate speech.

I reported this to the duty manager and she tried to get him to move his car.  and failed.  But a note has been made on his account.

But the point here is twofold.  Firstly this illustrates the ablism at places like this.  The idea that the disabled cannot use the space despite the fact they use it often.  This is largely because in all promotional literature David Lloyd is portrayed only by fit and able people.  The disabled are not good enough for their image.  Come on David Lloyd pull your socks up.

Secondly if this exchange had been about, say, black people instead of disabled people he would be banned, I suspect.  This hate speech is not acceptable.

I am calling on David Lloyd to take a lead here.  Lets have some representation of your daytime clientèle.  We are older, less fit and  less abled.  But we get a great deal from using the facilities for which we pay and should expect more from you.

Physio

Physio is a fact of life for anyone with EDS. Or it should be .
Our joints are not the luxury models you stiffs have , we don't h - ave ligaments holding our Joints together, just muscles.
So physio may not be the gentle waving of legs you imagine. For me a full physio session, a thing I am supposed to do every day, would be the following...
20 minutes on a cross trainer to warm up
3x 10 sit-ups
3×10 leg raises
3X5 chin ups (assisted)
3x5 dips
3X 10 back extensions
3x8 bench press
3×8 inclined bench press
3x10 shoulder press
3X 10 front shoulder raises
3X 10 shrugs
3X10 shoulder flies
3X 10 Bicep curls
3X 10 leg press
3 X 10 Squats
3Xl0 ROWS

Thats every day. oh and th ere's some other ones l dont even have a name for
It takes about 2 hours.

Sounds healthy huh?
No doubt if l was on benefits I would be held up as a cheat. But it | dont do it I lose the ability to move,. And it is often very painful indeed. My shoulders sublux all the time and walking is awful. My hands hurt on the weights and my ribs pop out.

It is like being sentenced to hard labour wth no hope of a reprieve.