Autumn blues

Malancholy calls
Handmaiden of grey fatigue
Singing of the past

Joni Mitchell sings
Of holy wine, sadly I
Recall autumn woods

Can it really be
A year since we walked under
Those autumn beeches?

That's a poem in 3 haiku I wrote for Noggin. Which he may never read.
I've given him the link to this place and right of reply. But he chooses not to and I respect his wishes. I think he trusts that Aspie honesty means he won't be defamed. I've never meant to. I love him too much.
Yes still.
I've seen him since. Stayed with him. Enjoyed his company as a friend. But I can't get him out of my heart. Hearts expand I suppose. In time maybe someone else can come in if I ever get back on the scene.
But I haven't been able to face doing that. Well I admit once but it was purely physical and impersonal. Grindr at its purest. But hunting for a replacement?
How do you replace a man who loves SciFi, worries about the ethics of keeping pets, can talk about Neitsche and dynamic networks at the same time and still be damned cute and rugged?
A man who spends 30 minutes trying to do a weed justice in a photo?
A man who always makes sure I can sit with my back to a wall in a restaurant?
I'm going on in this maudlin tone because I saw leaves fall today.
All I could think of was our last trip out before he moved. That walk in autumn woods while my heart cracked and bled.
I'm tired. It's been hard as foal is back at school and the effort of the school run and caring for her this week is really beyond me. But I'm damned if I'm not going to do it.
And I'm dipping into frank depression yet again.
And I miss him and part of me always will.
Nobody ever listens to song lyrics any more. Have you noticed? But if you have the time this early Pink Floyd song sums up my state. On the outside looking in. And getting old.

...Try it Part 3

There is a problem with love.
Love can happen for the silliest reasons. It can creep up on you. It can happen in a flash.
With my ex wife it was when I had the first of several ankle operations. I lived in Wembley she lived in Suffolk. She came all the way down to the hospital and gave me a teddy bear with a bandaged foot.
With Noggin it was on the beach at Dunwich. In fact it was at this moment pictured.
He was taking a picture of a flower.
Just a common seaside weed. But the intensity and concentration and care he had for that simple plant. Bam.
Love is a binary thing. You love or you don't. You can't turn it on and off. It has a strong biochemical similarity to OCD.
And I loved him. His kindness. His smile. His smell. Especially his eyes.
All I wanted to do was be with him. Talk to him. When we were apart we used to play xbox together and use the chat thingy.
My future had always been uncertain due to various things. I was probably going to have to move. And about at this time Noggin was having trouble at work. He was eventually forced to leave totally unfairly. I knew the people he worked for and just wanted to go in there and shove my walking stick up their arses.
We carried on seeing each other. I was doing all I could to support him through this awful experience.
It felt like it was going well.
And then one evening I was texting him to ask if he wanted to go to a museum or something that weekend and he texted back that he didn't think we should sleep together any more. We could be friends but nothing else.
I must emphasise that throughout he had been totally honest about being unsure there would ever be more than friends with benefits. Totally honest.
It's just that as my feelings for him had grown I had thought that his for me had too. Silly of me but there you go. Love is blind.
So here we come to the problem with love...you cannot tell if it is returned.
To say that was a bad time is an understatement. I was and to a degree still am devastated. But of course there was nothing to be done.
Part of his reasons was that he wanted to move to Yorkshire to be closer to his mum. I would have moved to Mongolia and lived in a yurt to be with him. But there you go.
I also believe my aspergers put him off as he had had a very destructive relationship with an aspie before.
But if someone doesn't love you they don't love you. Simples.
We did meet several times socially. I helped him move. The last time we went out was something I wanted to do...kind of a bucket list as after he moved I was fully intending to kill myself. Not sure why I didn't.
I had always had a picture in my head of walking through fallen leaves in a wood with someone I loved. So I asked Noggin for a platonic date and we went and did just that.
How I didn't cry I don't know. The bitter sweet irony of doing what I pictured but without the love returned was crippling.
But I did it.
I still text Noggin. We chat. I still love him but I am trying to turn it to brotherly love. Whatever he can accept. Friends is quite something
But as for the experience. ..I will leave the last word to Mr Jones

...Try it (Part 2)

The next time I met Noggin I cooked dinner. I believe it was Korean food. A Tofu based tteokboki. I got all of the side dishes. I cleaned the house. I set the table. I used the Chinese bowls mrsinky bought me for xmas one year and the gorgeous chopsticks and chopstick holders Cheri got me one year.
I have no issue with vegetarian food. It's ethical and rational. And if you do it right it can be delicious.
And I am one of those people who likes tofu.
So cooking for him was a pleasure.
At about this time I developed a very painful subluxation of my sternoclavicular joint. Something I still have and ruins my life. But I worked through the pain.
When he came over I had good food for him and he tried everything. Even the wrapped kimchi which is an acquired taste he acquired in a moment.
He seemed more relaxed. He smiled that gentle smile. After an appropriate interval we made love.
Slowly over the weeks we set a pattern. Dinner. Maybe a film. Gentle sexual exploration. Learning each others tastes. Enjoying just the feeling of intimacy and warmth.
Then talking.
Aspies don't do chit chat. My theory is it's oxytocin related. Neurotypicals get oxytocin released at bonding events. It binds them together. It promotes warm social feelings.
I only get that for 20 minutes post orgasm.
But it was there. I learnt about Noggin. His job. How he thought. I came to realise that although he was definitely not aspie he was neurodivergent and I shared this with him.
Logic and argument threw him in the way emotion throws me. But he had a gift of intuitive thinking that was breathtaking.
He loved taking photos. Particularly of flowers. He liked watching and reading Sci fi. He could put up with my obsessions.
We went together to cafes to Dunwich to Cambridge.  Each time he was solicitous of my comfort.  Making sure I rested. Finding tables so I could sit with my back to a wall. Things like that.
Once I got hit with casual ablism. When I took my arm out of its sling to pay for something the cashier asked if I was faking. Being me I just explained how my injury worked. When we got home he went on twitter and complained about it and got an apology and promise of retraining.
For the first time in my life I felt cared for. Here was a man who cared about my welfare. He wanted me to be comfortable.  He defended me from hurt. He tried to understand .
This was what in the end freed me from the idea of trying to get back with mrsinky. She was loved by me but never really loved me back. Not in that way. Such gentle caring. The idea that my comfort mattered. All these were alien to her. I began to see what a relationship could be.
Weekends when I knew Noggin was coming round were like the specks of gold in a year of dirt. I counted the days. I planned the meals. I couldn't wait to see him and kiss him as he walked in. To ask about his work. To find out more.
He was the reason I stayed alive. My lifeline.
I came off grindr. We were still officially friends with benefits and neither of us had said we were exclusive.  But when I was seeing someone who made me feel so alive and so cherished why would I want random cold fucks?
My life became focused on Noggin weekends.
And when he was here I was happy.
We had sleepovers.
We did things together.
He showed me how a relationship should work. For which I am terribly grateful. I had no idea such a thing happened.  I had always just tried to make other people happy not even thinking they would reciprocate. Or even want to.
This gentle thoughtful viking taught me about how it works.
It all felt so good.
You know this isn't going to last. Don't you?

...Try it. Part 1

It is with a heavy heart I take up my pen...

Actually it is with a heavy heart I do most things these days. The reason is tied up with my prolonged absence from this blog.
I met someone.
Sounds simple doesn't it?
Actually for me it is far from simple as my aspergers tends to make it very difficult to do social things like that. Hence why I love apps like grindr and scruff where you can just directly ask for sex without being hit or locked up.
Trouble is of course that sex is generally all you get. Generally.
Anyway in March 2016 I was browsing scruff and lo and behold there popped up a picture of a lean viking warrior. A kind face with a trimmed fair beard and just the right amount of weatherbeaten. I mean just...wow.
So I send a message even though he was 50 miles away. Who wouldn't?
I'm going to call him Noggin in honour of the brave king of the Nogs documented by Oliver Postgate. Younger readers may see those documentaries on YouTube.
Anyway I chatted and he chatted and eventually I suggested maybe we should meet up. Just for tea and biscuits as his profile suggested that he was not really into just shagging first thing and I believe he said as much.
So I found out that he liked dark chocolate and ginger and I got the best dark chocolate and ginger biscuits I could find. I made sure the place was at least tidy by my standards and round he came.
When he knocked on my door he looked just like his picture. You wouldn't believe how rarely that happens.
Anyway we sit and we chat and he was...complex. He was a bit shy and nervous but then who wouldn't be. His voice just resonated with care and empathy. He was interesting. Knew a lot about philosophy and we had a discussion there because I mentioned my lifelong adherence to utilitarianism. He was a vegetarian but not because of cuteness of animals but rather refreshingly because he was not yet decided about whether it was ethical to eat animals and didn't want to do so while he was making up his mind.
But there was something else.
As a child I was abused. Physically, psychologically and sexually. (By other children at school)
And I knew, just knew that he too had been abused in some way by someone.
I also knew for the first time in my life that the person in front of me desperately needed someone to treat him with kindness and tenderness. And needed sex so hard it hurt.
This was just meant to be tea and biscuits and see what happened. He had been clear from the start that relationships were not on the cards but maybe if we liked each other friends with benefits. But that would be later.
But gentle reader I saw a kind gentle thoughtful and deep man in need. I saw someone who had suffered and hurt. And they were gorgeous. Gentle reader...what would you do?
As an aspie I never initiate kisses or sex on dates. Grindr meets you know it's about sex. But dates...it's about non verbal cues as to whether you go for it. And so I never do. In fact I say up front to my date as I had to Noggin that if they wanted any physical contact they had to tell me directly.
But after we had talked for hours I stood up and said in my normal level of romance "The hell with this, do you want to come upstairs?"
And he said yes.
He was nervous. But I wasn't. I was going to let this man know there was love and kindness in the world. Even in strangers. And who is stranger than me?
So I went slowly. I was gentle. At each ...stage...I said to him that if at any point he was uncomfortable even slightly he should just tell me to stop. And that I would instantly with no problems at all.
He didn't tell me to stop. In fact as I remember it the only thing I remember him saying as we reached a certain level of disrobement was "Oh...OK".
I'm not going to describe in detail. But I didn't have sex with him. I made love to him. An act of warmth and kindness to someone who deeply deserved it. One that made me feel better about myself and more fulfilled than any grindr meet.
Afterwards we dressed, talked a little more and he left. We said we should do it again sometime and unlike most times this is said we both meant it.
And I was smiling all night.