they sit at the bar and put bread in my jar

More boredom I suppose.
well not all dull.  I am following the Hunter crash with sorrow and interest.  I understand the ban on vintage aerobatics but it saddens me.  Some of those planes are simply lovely, and the Hunter was arguably one of the most beautiful of the lot.  Only the Lightning came close.
Similarly this caught my eye.  One of my main things has always been a trick memory.  This is suffering now due to mental illness and meds, but it grabs hold of things and holds on.  Amongst these things was the fact that Romans would commit suicide or even execute people by going into a sealed room with a charcoal stove.  It was well known.  Not any more.
One salmon of doubt though is the cool to the touch thing.
I don't want to doubt the dude but the C-->CO reaction is very exothermic, in fact drives blast furnaces.  So it must still have been smouldering, though perhaps in the middle of the coals so invisibly.  Heres a tip guys, put water on it.
Now on to me.
I have been on the couch.
Not as in psychiatrist, I mean I have been on the couch since Saturday evening.  Fear of people. Fear of me. Depression. Substance abuse.  My libido has turned off.  For me that is unheard of.
The nights have been drugged sleep (yay zopiclone) and not very restful.
Foal has been off with mrsinky.  Until this afternoon I hadn't seen a human at all.
This afternoon I was supposed to get a 24 hr ecg fitted.  I went to the appointment.  It was hell.
I sat in the waiting room, which had people in it.  I was in a corner and the noise of the people kept getting louder and louder and closer and closer.  and harsher.  It was mush harsher.  Like the noise made by gannets.
I curled down into my seat.  Normally I would do origami to distract myself but my hands were shaking too much.  I couldnt read my knidle because my hands were shaking too much.  So I sat there, curled into a small fetal pose, in the corner crying.  for 40 minutes of waiting time until the ecg fitting nurse called me.
I know what I looked like because I could see myself in the mirror.  White as a sheet, black circles round eyes, tears and snot running down face, stumbling, eyes down.
Nurse didn't comment and just asked cheerily if I could verify my name and was it an ecg.
I stammered out that I didn't think it was worth it, because the state I was in they wouldn't get a normal baseline.  I said I was a MH patient and was having a crisis.  I broke down into hysterical weeping.
She said did I want it or not.
Then she sid should she ask my GP?
I sort of nodded.
She left for 10 mins, then came back.  Said the GP had said reschedule.  And thanks, and goodbye.
That was it.
So, still in crisis, weeping uncontrollably, I shuffled out to my car.
I sent a text to mrsinky expressing my love for her and foal, then worked out that the seatbelt on my car could be extended through the top of the door enough to get a loop around my neck.  a simple loop, then just sit down.  Easy.
I was still waiting for a quiet time in the car park with nobody around when mrsinky called me.  I cried a bit at her.  She told me to go home, get food and reminded me that Sheldon needed cat crunchies.
So unable to let a cat go hungry because of self immolation I went to the convenience shop.
Moral....IAMS saves lives.  Temporarily.