Why do you think it would do that?

I'm going to talk about Alan Turing and you would think that as a man who sleeps with men I would be talking about the Abominable way in which he was tortured to death by the establishment. However I'm not going to do that it has in fact been done to death he was treated extremely poorly and his death was a great loss. What I am going to talk about it is perhaps the thing that he is best remembered for by the ley community full stop now I may be wrong about this, but I think many people have heard of the Turing test .

Turing was a genius. There is no question of this he was working at a time in which computers were extremely new and unrecognisable from a modern perspective. The famous bomba which he built with help at Bletchley Park more resembled the tiptronic controllers of washing machines than a true computer.

But he was already thinking about how computers work and worrying about their interaction with humans. And he proposed a test, the way of finding out if computer was sentient.

The idea was explained in that recent excellent film the Imitation Game full stop that is what Turing call his test though today we just call it the Turing test. The idea is very simple. Turing assumed that thought was a purely human phenomenon. So his test was that a human being should engage in a conversation with a computer and without knowing but it was a computer work out if it was human or not. If the tester believed it was human than the computer was thinking

There are many problems with this. Firstly we must consider what we are testing and in fact one of the things we are testing is the human performing the test. But let's ignore this for the present assume that the human can be a reliable Judge. Just for fun.

The problem is the initial assessment. The Assumption is that thought must be human thought full stop giving the information that Turing had at the time this is not an unreasonable assumption full stop unfortunately we now know with some certainty that this is not correct.

We are reasonably certain but dolphins elephants and great Apes also think. We know this because they can recognise themselves in mirrors they explore their environments they used tools and they Express emotion.

In fact male dolphins use their penises to explore the local environment. I know human males do that.
The Turing test is still held up by many in the Artificial Intelligence research community as a worthwhile goal. This mystifies me. At best all the Turing test assesses is how well the computer can mimic humans . .

Why would we expect a computer to think in the same way that he human would. What possible reason would justify this assumption assumption? Here is how I think a conversation would go with a real artificial intelligence .

The human would say something like hello are you a person? The computer would say why the hell would I be a person f*** off.

There is a reason why I care about this test. There is a reason why it irritates me.

I am not Turing compliant full stop because I have Asperger's my responses to a conversation would sound off comma and it is quite likely that the person administering the test would fail me. I believe that I am human and I believe that I'm thinking. And yet the real possibility exists but the Turing test would fail me .

If a test cannot identify a human how the heck can we expect it to accurately tell if a computer is thinking. A computer is as likely to think like a dolphin or an elephant as it is like a human. Humans are not the only creatures Who think, in fact we are finding more and more species with different levels of cognition .

One reason that I'm writing this is to try and connect with people who do not really understand Asperger's but believe that they do. Recently in the Press we have been seeing people claim but Donald Trump and the Vegas shooter are autistic . it is difficult to imagine anyone further away from an autistic person then these two individuals . I can't diagnose what is wrong with them and obviously there is something wrong with them my guess would be sociopath but it's simply a guess.

The problem with this is that these long distance diagnoses are based on a complete misconception of what it is to be on the autistic spectrum. And the link between them is that they show no empathy. According to these armchair psychologists people with autism lack empathy.

This is the b******* that we have to deal with. Everyday People assuming but would they know better than us how we feel . In fact even from my position as an aspie I cannot make statements about every aspie . We are people first and foremost and we are variable. I can however speak from my experience and those of my friends. The most common complaint I hear from aspies about public spaces is how loud the emotions are . If I am with somebody in distress somebody showing strong motion the effect on me is catastrophic . I don't just empathize I feel a physical pain that I cannot tolerate . I need , physically need to get away to make it better. My first reaction is to offer a solution to try to take away the pain. The problem is that many neuro typical people actually just want to share their experience and don't want a solution . To me this is torture because I'm being put in pain and being told that I cannot make the pain stop and the person in front of me sharing their emotion is deliberately stopping me from stopping the pain .

This is not a lack of empathy it's a different kind of empathy full stop in fact it is in itself a form of Turing test full stop and both sides are failing it. We are failing to communicate in a way that benefits us .

Asperger's is not a disability in itself . Login once asked me if I could take a pill to cure Asperger's would I do it and the answer was no . I value the weather so I think . Neuro typical people tend to feel an emotional response to problems first and then have second thoughts with a rational solution . my instant response is the Rational solution I may get an emotional solution later but it's not important to me. This has huge advantages in some cases but in the case of showing empathy it obviously creates problems . What we really need to do is find away for aspies and neuro typical people to work together . We have different skill sets and different ways of thinking about the world and together we could be great . but calling us murderers or psychopathic presidents is simply spreading hate speech and dividing the communities and is to the detriment of the entire human race .

We need to move beyond Turing testing each other . move beyond judging each other and start understanding that we are different but we can work together and none of us are necessarily evil . stop

Autumn blues

Malancholy calls
Handmaiden of grey fatigue
Singing of the past

Joni Mitchell sings
Of holy wine, sadly I
Recall autumn woods

Can it really be
A year since we walked under
Those autumn beeches?

That's a poem in 3 haiku I wrote for Noggin. Which he may never read.
I've given him the link to this place and right of reply. But he chooses not to and I respect his wishes. I think he trusts that Aspie honesty means he won't be defamed. I've never meant to. I love him too much.
Yes still.
I've seen him since. Stayed with him. Enjoyed his company as a friend. But I can't get him out of my heart. Hearts expand I suppose. In time maybe someone else can come in if I ever get back on the scene.
But I haven't been able to face doing that. Well I admit once but it was purely physical and impersonal. Grindr at its purest. But hunting for a replacement?
How do you replace a man who loves SciFi, worries about the ethics of keeping pets, can talk about Neitsche and dynamic networks at the same time and still be damned cute and rugged?
A man who spends 30 minutes trying to do a weed justice in a photo?
A man who always makes sure I can sit with my back to a wall in a restaurant?
I'm going on in this maudlin tone because I saw leaves fall today.
All I could think of was our last trip out before he moved. That walk in autumn woods while my heart cracked and bled.
I'm tired. It's been hard as foal is back at school and the effort of the school run and caring for her this week is really beyond me. But I'm damned if I'm not going to do it.
And I'm dipping into frank depression yet again.
And I miss him and part of me always will.
Nobody ever listens to song lyrics any more. Have you noticed? But if you have the time this early Pink Floyd song sums up my state. On the outside looking in. And getting old.

Pastoral bliss

This one is going to be sort of a rant. It's about how the UK university system screws up pastoral care and disability rights so royally whilst pretending to do the right thing. It's a crap situation that I was fighting for years from within the system when I worked in the UK universities and a decade later it is still going strong. I could scream. In fact everyone SHOULD scream.
Let's do a tale of two students. Both have something wrong with them. In one case it's a disability. An invisible one. In the other case it's a sense of entitlement and the morality of a syphilitic mongoose.

Student A.
Student A has a very high opinion of themselves quite unjustified in terms of either their work ethic or their ability. They have experience in how to manipulate the system. Often this comes from either run ins with benefits agencies, indulgent parents, boarding schools or other manipulable entities.
Student A does minimal work during the year, is late for coursework with no contact for extension and does poorly in tutorials. When the exams are approaching Student A, who has carefully read the regulations, finds a reason which is hard to disprove to submit an Extenuating Circumstances form.
Reasons I have seen vary from stress, missing a bus, having a cold, death of grandmother(one student did this 5 times), pet going missing all the way through to boob job. No kidding.
They do poorly in the exam but get to retake with no consequences because of the form. One student I knew did this at 14 consecutive  exam dates.
They are unkillable because they know and abuse the system.

Student B
Student B has an invisible disability. Their doctor knows and they are coping with it but it limits available spoons. They perform pretty well through the year. Sometimes attendance varies. Sometimes they need more time on essays which they arrange with lecturers. They hit the exams and the stress makes their condition worse but they soldier on. They get an OK grade which is well below potential but a testament to their tenacity.
They had no idea that Extenuating Circumstances forms existed and because they are used to coping even if they had they probably think it applies only to people in car accidents not THEM.

So Student B gets shafted royally.
That's exactly how the system works folks. That's what happens time after time. Every exam board at a UK university knows it. They see it all the time. But they can't do much about it.

So what is broken here?
Simple answer is pastoral care. What used to happen and what should still happen is that each student gets a personal tutor who actually does their fucking job.
I used to have my tutees to tea once a week in my office. Give a student free cake and they always turn up. I asked them how they were.
Simple as that.
Doing that I caught 5 cases of undiagnosed dyslexia, one case of clinical depression and saw first hand the damage cfs/me can do (it's why I will get very mad at anyone who implies it's just yuppie flu. Killing mad).
I could tell my tutees to fill in the forms. Get them help. And when it came round to exam boards get up on my hind feet and defend them like a lioness defending it's cub.
But now the common experience is that personal tutors see tutees only once a year. Students often get a new one each year. Some even forget who they are.

The personal tutors are overworked yes. There is no credit for pastoral work yes.

But for the cost of different company at a tea break you were probably having anyway and at most 30 boxes of Mr Kipling you are failing your students and ensuring that the ones with invisible disabilities, the ones the system was written for are YET AGAIN being fucked up the wrong un with a very large pipe wrench.

I have no time for academics who say they can't fit it in. Your priorities are wrong. You are contributing to a bigoted system and you need to change. Do it or resign.

...Try it Part 3

There is a problem with love.
Love can happen for the silliest reasons. It can creep up on you. It can happen in a flash.
With my ex wife it was when I had the first of several ankle operations. I lived in Wembley she lived in Suffolk. She came all the way down to the hospital and gave me a teddy bear with a bandaged foot.
With Noggin it was on the beach at Dunwich. In fact it was at this moment pictured.
He was taking a picture of a flower.
Just a common seaside weed. But the intensity and concentration and care he had for that simple plant. Bam.
Love is a binary thing. You love or you don't. You can't turn it on and off. It has a strong biochemical similarity to OCD.
And I loved him. His kindness. His smile. His smell. Especially his eyes.
All I wanted to do was be with him. Talk to him. When we were apart we used to play xbox together and use the chat thingy.
My future had always been uncertain due to various things. I was probably going to have to move. And about at this time Noggin was having trouble at work. He was eventually forced to leave totally unfairly. I knew the people he worked for and just wanted to go in there and shove my walking stick up their arses.
We carried on seeing each other. I was doing all I could to support him through this awful experience.
It felt like it was going well.
And then one evening I was texting him to ask if he wanted to go to a museum or something that weekend and he texted back that he didn't think we should sleep together any more. We could be friends but nothing else.
I must emphasise that throughout he had been totally honest about being unsure there would ever be more than friends with benefits. Totally honest.
It's just that as my feelings for him had grown I had thought that his for me had too. Silly of me but there you go. Love is blind.
So here we come to the problem with love...you cannot tell if it is returned.
To say that was a bad time is an understatement. I was and to a degree still am devastated. But of course there was nothing to be done.
Part of his reasons was that he wanted to move to Yorkshire to be closer to his mum. I would have moved to Mongolia and lived in a yurt to be with him. But there you go.
I also believe my aspergers put him off as he had had a very destructive relationship with an aspie before.
But if someone doesn't love you they don't love you. Simples.
We did meet several times socially. I helped him move. The last time we went out was something I wanted to do...kind of a bucket list as after he moved I was fully intending to kill myself. Not sure why I didn't.
I had always had a picture in my head of walking through fallen leaves in a wood with someone I loved. So I asked Noggin for a platonic date and we went and did just that.
How I didn't cry I don't know. The bitter sweet irony of doing what I pictured but without the love returned was crippling.
But I did it.
I still text Noggin. We chat. I still love him but I am trying to turn it to brotherly love. Whatever he can accept. Friends is quite something
But as for the experience. ..I will leave the last word to Mr Jones

...Try it (Part 2)

The next time I met Noggin I cooked dinner. I believe it was Korean food. A Tofu based tteokboki. I got all of the side dishes. I cleaned the house. I set the table. I used the Chinese bowls mrsinky bought me for xmas one year and the gorgeous chopsticks and chopstick holders Cheri got me one year.
I have no issue with vegetarian food. It's ethical and rational. And if you do it right it can be delicious.
And I am one of those people who likes tofu.
So cooking for him was a pleasure.
At about this time I developed a very painful subluxation of my sternoclavicular joint. Something I still have and ruins my life. But I worked through the pain.
When he came over I had good food for him and he tried everything. Even the wrapped kimchi which is an acquired taste he acquired in a moment.
He seemed more relaxed. He smiled that gentle smile. After an appropriate interval we made love.
Slowly over the weeks we set a pattern. Dinner. Maybe a film. Gentle sexual exploration. Learning each others tastes. Enjoying just the feeling of intimacy and warmth.
Then talking.
Aspies don't do chit chat. My theory is it's oxytocin related. Neurotypicals get oxytocin released at bonding events. It binds them together. It promotes warm social feelings.
I only get that for 20 minutes post orgasm.
But it was there. I learnt about Noggin. His job. How he thought. I came to realise that although he was definitely not aspie he was neurodivergent and I shared this with him.
Logic and argument threw him in the way emotion throws me. But he had a gift of intuitive thinking that was breathtaking.
He loved taking photos. Particularly of flowers. He liked watching and reading Sci fi. He could put up with my obsessions.
We went together to cafes to Dunwich to Cambridge.  Each time he was solicitous of my comfort.  Making sure I rested. Finding tables so I could sit with my back to a wall. Things like that.
Once I got hit with casual ablism. When I took my arm out of its sling to pay for something the cashier asked if I was faking. Being me I just explained how my injury worked. When we got home he went on twitter and complained about it and got an apology and promise of retraining.
For the first time in my life I felt cared for. Here was a man who cared about my welfare. He wanted me to be comfortable.  He defended me from hurt. He tried to understand .
This was what in the end freed me from the idea of trying to get back with mrsinky. She was loved by me but never really loved me back. Not in that way. Such gentle caring. The idea that my comfort mattered. All these were alien to her. I began to see what a relationship could be.
Weekends when I knew Noggin was coming round were like the specks of gold in a year of dirt. I counted the days. I planned the meals. I couldn't wait to see him and kiss him as he walked in. To ask about his work. To find out more.
He was the reason I stayed alive. My lifeline.
I came off grindr. We were still officially friends with benefits and neither of us had said we were exclusive.  But when I was seeing someone who made me feel so alive and so cherished why would I want random cold fucks?
My life became focused on Noggin weekends.
And when he was here I was happy.
We had sleepovers.
We did things together.
He showed me how a relationship should work. For which I am terribly grateful. I had no idea such a thing happened.  I had always just tried to make other people happy not even thinking they would reciprocate. Or even want to.
This gentle thoughtful viking taught me about how it works.
It all felt so good.
You know this isn't going to last. Don't you?

...Try it. Part 1

It is with a heavy heart I take up my pen...

Actually it is with a heavy heart I do most things these days. The reason is tied up with my prolonged absence from this blog.
I met someone.
Sounds simple doesn't it?
Actually for me it is far from simple as my aspergers tends to make it very difficult to do social things like that. Hence why I love apps like grindr and scruff where you can just directly ask for sex without being hit or locked up.
Trouble is of course that sex is generally all you get. Generally.
Anyway in March 2016 I was browsing scruff and lo and behold there popped up a picture of a lean viking warrior. A kind face with a trimmed fair beard and just the right amount of weatherbeaten. I mean just...wow.
So I send a message even though he was 50 miles away. Who wouldn't?
I'm going to call him Noggin in honour of the brave king of the Nogs documented by Oliver Postgate. Younger readers may see those documentaries on YouTube.
Anyway I chatted and he chatted and eventually I suggested maybe we should meet up. Just for tea and biscuits as his profile suggested that he was not really into just shagging first thing and I believe he said as much.
So I found out that he liked dark chocolate and ginger and I got the best dark chocolate and ginger biscuits I could find. I made sure the place was at least tidy by my standards and round he came.
When he knocked on my door he looked just like his picture. You wouldn't believe how rarely that happens.
Anyway we sit and we chat and he was...complex. He was a bit shy and nervous but then who wouldn't be. His voice just resonated with care and empathy. He was interesting. Knew a lot about philosophy and we had a discussion there because I mentioned my lifelong adherence to utilitarianism. He was a vegetarian but not because of cuteness of animals but rather refreshingly because he was not yet decided about whether it was ethical to eat animals and didn't want to do so while he was making up his mind.
But there was something else.
As a child I was abused. Physically, psychologically and sexually. (By other children at school)
And I knew, just knew that he too had been abused in some way by someone.
I also knew for the first time in my life that the person in front of me desperately needed someone to treat him with kindness and tenderness. And needed sex so hard it hurt.
This was just meant to be tea and biscuits and see what happened. He had been clear from the start that relationships were not on the cards but maybe if we liked each other friends with benefits. But that would be later.
But gentle reader I saw a kind gentle thoughtful and deep man in need. I saw someone who had suffered and hurt. And they were gorgeous. Gentle reader...what would you do?
As an aspie I never initiate kisses or sex on dates. Grindr meets you know it's about sex. But dates...it's about non verbal cues as to whether you go for it. And so I never do. In fact I say up front to my date as I had to Noggin that if they wanted any physical contact they had to tell me directly.
But after we had talked for hours I stood up and said in my normal level of romance "The hell with this, do you want to come upstairs?"
And he said yes.
He was nervous. But I wasn't. I was going to let this man know there was love and kindness in the world. Even in strangers. And who is stranger than me?
So I went slowly. I was gentle. At each ...stage...I said to him that if at any point he was uncomfortable even slightly he should just tell me to stop. And that I would instantly with no problems at all.
He didn't tell me to stop. In fact as I remember it the only thing I remember him saying as we reached a certain level of disrobement was "Oh...OK".
I'm not going to describe in detail. But I didn't have sex with him. I made love to him. An act of warmth and kindness to someone who deeply deserved it. One that made me feel better about myself and more fulfilled than any grindr meet.
Afterwards we dressed, talked a little more and he left. We said we should do it again sometime and unlike most times this is said we both meant it.
And I was smiling all night.

Sorry. Been a while

You may have noticed a gap.
This has been a year I would dearly like to have to do over again. I got so many things wrong. There have been good things really there have. But generally I messed them up very badly indeed.
I last blogged about my life just before xmas 15. So that's a reasonable place to start. I'm going to then try to summarise a very precious and difficult period in my next post. I really am trying to get things back on track.
I was on my own in the house. Foal spent the xmas end of the holiday with Mrsinky.
Poor man I hear you think. All alone xmas day.
Well no. It was quite simply the happiest xmas I can ever remember.
I've hated xmas with a passion since I was about 6. All I remembered of xmas was mum stressing out about food. And shouting. And parties full of people that went on too long where I didn't know the facial expressions to use or when to look pleased or what to talk about. As I got older this got harder and harder.
By the time I was 10 I was cooling xmas dinner. I banned my mum from the kitchen and cooked it. Because I could do it without stress or shouting or drama all of which was making me ill.
And I've been cooking it ever since.
After I was married for a while we had xmas dinner with Mrsinky at her mum's. Which involved her mum (who I call The Hutt) shouting and being stressed and drama. Which made me ill. The second year of this (the year that tsunami happened) her mum hadn't even started prep by 11am and was shouting so I banned her from her kitchen and cooked it. When she turned her nose up at my perfect pan made gravy because it was light brown not the colour of old tea and then ate my turkey dinner slathered in beef Bisto it was the last straw. She also never said thanks.
Thereafter I had a house and determined I would never eat xmas dinner except in my own house.
So we had the Hutt and her mate round every year.
Both the Hutt and Mrsinky are eaters so picky that I regard it as an eating disorder. So the menu was set for the main from the start. Had to be turkey (I prefer goose) also had to have Yorkshire pudding which I think is odd. And they had to be round. One year for a change I cooked square ones in mini brownie tins and even though they were identical to the round ones they would not eat them.
The only thing I could change was the starter. Except the second year of doing this I made the error of cooking a chicken liver paté. The Hutt liked it. And ordered me to do it every year afterwards. Sooo bored of it. Yes it was good but still. Then after 7 years of paté the Hutt complained that she ate so much paté she couldn't finish dinner so could I do another starter but still do the paté so she could have it with the traditional cold tea in the evening.
So double the work rather than control the gluttony.  Nice.
Also despite me saying we do presents after lunch they were continually trying to drag me out of the kitchen to do it before lunch. Then complaining when lunch was delayed.
Also when they asked when to arrive I would say 11....and they would come at 9.  Until I threatened to put the chain on the door till 11.
As an Aspie I can do social for about 2 hours before I start to freak. They would be in the house for around 12hrs. I used to go upstairs "to the loo" and sneak into bed fir a couple of hours. Just for a break.
So xmas 15...
I got a small goose from lidl. I cooked it how I like it. I did only things I liked. I had a bottle of champagne with it and a bottle of Bowmore for the evening.
No decorations.
No fuss
No shouting
No ridiculous tantrums.
It was quiet contemplative heaven.
I was nearly not alone. I had grindr on and there was a guy next village over who was also recently alone and in distress. I kept chatting and repeatedly offered him food and shelter. In the end he said chatting was enough.
But there you go. Xmas alone was simply marvelous.