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Wednesday 24 May 2017

...Try it Part 3

There is a problem with love.
Love can happen for the silliest reasons. It can creep up on you. It can happen in a flash.
With my ex wife it was when I had the first of several ankle operations. I lived in Wembley she lived in Suffolk. She came all the way down to the hospital and gave me a teddy bear with a bandaged foot.
With Noggin it was on the beach at Dunwich. In fact it was at this moment pictured.
He was taking a picture of a flower.
Just a common seaside weed. But the intensity and concentration and care he had for that simple plant. Bam.
Love is a binary thing. You love or you don't. You can't turn it on and off. It has a strong biochemical similarity to OCD.
And I loved him. His kindness. His smile. His smell. Especially his eyes.
All I wanted to do was be with him. Talk to him. When we were apart we used to play xbox together and use the chat thingy.
My future had always been uncertain due to various things. I was probably going to have to move. And about at this time Noggin was having trouble at work. He was eventually forced to leave totally unfairly. I knew the people he worked for and just wanted to go in there and shove my walking stick up their arses.
We carried on seeing each other. I was doing all I could to support him through this awful experience.
It felt like it was going well.
And then one evening I was texting him to ask if he wanted to go to a museum or something that weekend and he texted back that he didn't think we should sleep together any more. We could be friends but nothing else.
I must emphasise that throughout he had been totally honest about being unsure there would ever be more than friends with benefits. Totally honest.
It's just that as my feelings for him had grown I had thought that his for me had too. Silly of me but there you go. Love is blind.
So here we come to the problem with love...you cannot tell if it is returned.
To say that was a bad time is an understatement. I was and to a degree still am devastated. But of course there was nothing to be done.
Part of his reasons was that he wanted to move to Yorkshire to be closer to his mum. I would have moved to Mongolia and lived in a yurt to be with him. But there you go.
I also believe my aspergers put him off as he had had a very destructive relationship with an aspie before.
But if someone doesn't love you they don't love you. Simples.
We did meet several times socially. I helped him move. The last time we went out was something I wanted to do...kind of a bucket list as after he moved I was fully intending to kill myself. Not sure why I didn't.
I had always had a picture in my head of walking through fallen leaves in a wood with someone I loved. So I asked Noggin for a platonic date and we went and did just that.
How I didn't cry I don't know. The bitter sweet irony of doing what I pictured but without the love returned was crippling.
But I did it.
I still text Noggin. We chat. I still love him but I am trying to turn it to brotherly love. Whatever he can accept. Friends is quite something
But as for the experience. ..I will leave the last word to Mr Jones

1 comment:

  1. Inky, that is so sad (I might have a speck of dust in my eye, yes, dust, that's it...).

    Usual offer of virtual coffee, manly pat on shoulder, glass of wine or whatever.

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