The road goes ever, ever on

Much has happened since I last filled in one of these.  And in fact my last post abut chutney should have given a clue about my emotional state. When I am upset I cook.
So I suppose I should fill in a bit more background not just dangle that in front of you.  But since we last spoke I have made not just the runner bean chutney

but also plum jam

greengage and cherry jam

and another chutney that we decided to call roger.  Roger is a red tomato and ginger chutney that is so popular it disappears almost instantly.  I may post the recipe for Roger at some point but as with all Inky cooking its a bit  chuck it in and see.

The holiday with Foal was a massive strain.  I hope she enjoyed it, but it really was tough to get through.  After I came back...well stress stress stress.

A lot of this is caused by my Apsergers tendencies.  I still haven't had a full diagnosis yet but the more I read about it and the more Aspies I talk to, the more it fits. So I am almost certainly on the spectrum somewhere , though it may be PDD NOS.  Which means Murmur was right.  Murmur is a sometime commenter on here who comes from another e-place.  I always think of him as a badger in an old fashioned nurses uniform.  For some reason this upsets him.

Mrsinky and I had argued before I went because I chose the wrong time to have a conversation.  To my Aspie brain it went: this is a conversation we must have, this is the last time we can have it before holidays so we should have it.

The fact it was her first day in a new job, she had toothache and whiplash and a bunch of other stuff going on didn't enter my brain as relevant because that was just emotional stuff. This blog post says quite well how my brain works.  I automatically suppress emotions, and regard any emotional decision as suspect if not de facto wrong.  I respond to people in distress by trying to help them rather than comfort them. See here for why.  This isn't a choice, I genuinely do not know what people want if not help.

It is worse than that of course.  I find expressions of emotions in other people at best troubling.  I literally do not speak that language.  So when  friend tells me that they love me (platonic) I have no idea what to do.  I have the same problem with my parents and siblings.  Their expressions of affection have puzzled and bothered me for a long time.  I have just about worked out what to do when being hugged ( I have a strong dislike of invasions of personal space of any kind, and hate anyone touching me unless we are shagging.  I am hypersensitive to some touches and textures.  Get me to furnish a house and it would be chrome, marble, gloss paint and glass) but find the myriad verbal expressions of emotion...well what are you supposed to say?  How are you supposed to act?  You end up running down a horrible decision tree of responses trying to work out which one will not hurt their feelings or sound weird or whatever.  And that is positive emotion.

Negative emotion is worse.  I had a primary school headmaster whose facial expression, to me, looked like a smile when he was angry.  This led to me being slippered at least once because I misread it.  When someone shouts at me I sit there and take it silently, unless I really need to defend a position.  I respond that way to challenge. I do not enter into competition...in planning meetings or research I give my opinion.  If someone disagrees with it I leave it up to them.  When they find out they are wrong they will be back.  But I won't fight for it.  It is there, take it or leave it.

On the whole I dislike many TV dramas etc. because they insist on focussing on peoples relationships and feelings rather than the plot.  Once you fast forward past these the program becomes quite short.  It is easier if it is well written or funny, so I could watch Buffy in full, as the writing was good.  Except for the bits where she was moping or Angel was brooding, because who cares.  Similarly I think Lois and Clark ruined superman because it became about them having a relationship rather than anything interesting.  But brooding drama...it has to be really really good before I can stand it.

Musicals used to frighten me as a child.  You would have people talking and acting normal then all of a sudden they would start singing and dancing.  It was like they had caught a disease or something.

I could never watch Eastender's or many other soaps.  To me they are all about shouting and anger, and they make me uncomfortable and anxious.  Anger and sadness in others is the worst.  this actually hurts.  It is a mental pain that will not stop until the source of distress is dealt with.  And it is not just one hammer blow it is a constant mounting pain.  The longer I spend with someone showing negative emotion without being able to help them, the more it hurts.  This is why my response to a crying MrsInky is always an offer to help sort out the problem.  What she actually wants tends to be sympathy, but as in the link above I don't know how to do that.  She finds me trying to sort out the problem irritating.  But the thing then is that I have a person in front of me who seems to want to torture me.  They are causing me real distress by radiating negative emotion, and refusing to let me help it stop, which is the only relief from pain I can get.  To my brain telling someone abut a problem without letting them help is cruel.  You are making them miserable as well.

Aspies are known for meltdowns, and yes I show this too.  Negative emotional stimuli like the above are cumulative.  So stress builds.  You can relieve it by doing something, work or a workout or whatever.  But it builds up.  If you then go into an argument or an emotional situation this can overspill.  You meltdown.  This can take many forms.  With me the first thing is a desire to run.  I have to get out of the situation, away from the stimulus.  I go into a room and shut the door away from whoever it is I am talking to,  Of course this sometimes makes them want to follow you to continue the conversation/argument/interaction.  I have been known to end up sitting in a room with my back against the door with other people shouting through it. Sometimes all they are trying to do s see if I am OK but my brain cannot process this and just needs them to stop emoting at me.

Seriously people your emotions are deafening.  Please turn down the volume.

If the stimulus keeps up I will end up self harming in a non premeditated way.  This might be trying to break my hand bones by punching a wall, hitting myself on the head with a rock, trying to stab myself.  Whatever. It is always, always directed inwards at me.  I want the pain, or indeed death to make the emotions stop.

If you know an aspie of course you may want to help them in a meltdown, but seriously what they almost certainly need is an absence of human stimulus.  person dependent, of course.  Ask them.  But I am betting that's what they need.

Now at the moment I have got so much stress on my plate that a meltdown is always about a minute away.  And because I am depressed that takes a different form, like hysterical weeping or suicidal ideation so loud I have to turn  up the ipod to max to drown it out.  The only thing that helps is getting Spock to find something to do.  Do jobs.  Focus focus focus.  Repress.  That is fine until someone asks me how I am, for example.  Or there is a trigger like the final scene in When Harry Met Sally (one of my favourite films.  I think I can never watch it again).  

Anyhoo, am still taking Bupropion.  Annoying Psych doubled the dose because no effect.  I am not sure now what it is doing.  the dose is split morning and evening and frankly I think it is stopping me from sleeping.  I certainly need chemical assistance to do so.  As for effect I am having crisis after crisis.  I am arranging jobs.

On Tuesday I attempt my CBT for motorbike which I am hoping I will pass.  Brrrm.

I am also planning an attempt on the Cape Wrath Trail.  I decided on this pretty recently, and I have therefore imposed on MrsInky by leaving the childcare etc. to her for 3 weeks.  I feel bad about this.

I do not know if I will be able to do it all.  I am in remission at the moment but my joints are susceptible to damage.  And I am wrong in the head.  And that trail is ROUGH.

But it has things I need.  A challenge to make me feel like a man (horse) again.  I have had all the trappings of manhood stripped from me.  It has space and mountains, which I miss very much.  It has a lack of people, which I feel I need right now.  And it has mortification of the flesh, which might sort out my head.  And given the vagaries of my EDS carpe diem, it may be my last shot.

As I say I may drop out early.  I know many people do and there is no shame.  But lets see.

This space intentionally gloomy

I have not posted in a while because I have had a lot of distractions. It has been my time to take Foal on Holiday.  As ever this was a cobbled together thing from the start.  I have been too ill to contemplate booking something and so have ended up at my parents place in Somerset.
There are lots of things to do here.  We have visited Glastonbury, and Bath (the Roman baths), had a day on Lilstock beach and spent a night camping under the stars.

And indeed during this time I have had some lovely times with Foal. She has had her moments of grim, to be sure.  She is on the edge of adolescence and that's tricky for everyone.  But there have been some bits that are lovely.  So this impromptu holiday is working out ok.
So on the whole I should be relaxing and enjoying life.
But... you knew there was a but, right?
I have now been taking Bupropion for rather a longish time, nearly 4 weeks.  To be fair it hasn't had any noticeable side effects.  But it hasn't actually had any other effects either.  I have been depressed.
 Well that is a bit of an understatement.  Day 3 here was Lilstock.  Went with my brothers family, (SIL, Nephew, Niece, Nieces BF, brother), had beach BBQ.  Went exploring the old ruins at Lilstock.

Even sunbathed a bit. SIL being shocked at Oliver the Dragon Tattoo, and tactfully asking if it was a drunken bet. (means nothing by it.  raised by wolves)
My brother was there with his family.  His happy, normal family.  His complete, happy, normal family.
I wanted to die.
I am so convinced that this is the last time I will see foal in this way.  I am also not over the loss of my dream.  My dream was sitting by the fire in a family home, with my wife and children around me.  It was a small dream, but it was mine.  And it is dead.
And so am I.
Dead inside, just waiting for this to stop.
Day before yesterday my shoulder came out in a fairly decisive way.  I cannot support the weight of my arm on it for long.  I am walking around with a sling to rest it a bit. But of course this is putting  strain on my back.  The pain in various places is very strong.
Last night I slept in a tent with Foal, because she wanted to.  It was on her list for this holiday.  Of course that did my joints no good at all.  But actually it was the dreams.  I dreamt that I was losing my job.  I was in the bosses office pleading to keep it, arguing about what I did for him.  But then he sacked me.
It was a nightmare.  I woke drenched in sweat, panting.
But unlike most nightmares it didn't stop.  It was the truth of course.
Today I have been very depressed indeed.  Took Foal to Forbidden Planet, bought some comic books. All the way there I wanted to die.  Not kill myself just die.  The words "...and then he killed himself" kept coming into my head and they felt so welcome and right.  All day I have been walking around, and every time there was a pleasure trigger (muscly bloke, pert young lady, smiley barista) I got a mental voice telling me that no, I cannot have anything like that because I am going to die.
I am holding myself together with spit and sellotape to try and be normal for Foal and the parents.  Trying to get through to the end of this holiday.
Some of my friends have been trying to contact me, but I  cannot speak to them.  I feel hounded by them.  I have no strength to give them, and cannot accept strength from them.  I went for dinner at Cherie's place and that was nice, and chatty etc.  But that was Fake Inky.  I was playing my "I can socialise, look I am normal" role.  I am happy Cherie is in a stable relationship now.  I envy her bloke of course.  But I can see she gets a good deal there.  But in a way Cherie is a reminder of all the wrong turns I have taken in my life, to end up here.
I am planning  a backpacking trip.  Just me, what I can carry and the wilderness.  I will go into the desert.
Who knows, I may even come out.

i don't know why I call him Gerald

So today the joints could move but much pain. Despite this I managed to do a few things. Mainly managed to feel very depressed. Really just wanting to die. Being here means I can turn off, no responsibilities etc. But at the same time that means mr brain, who hates me summons emo. And emo wants to die.
It doesnt help my sleeping pills are still in suffolk. So have been using theakstons.
Anyway today I rang Cherie. Cherie and I have been friends since I was 4. Had we gone to a sensible school that didnt traumatise me we would have married. She has a similar brain to mine, cooks as well but with more attention to presentation and has enormous tits.
However we were both fucked over by the same school. By the time I recovered enough to want to try relationship she was gone. We kept meeting up. There was sex. We did everything wrong. But one of us will bury the other.
Cherie has generally not done much relating, but she is in a relationship now with a really nice guy. So I am not ringing up for rebound sex. More to let her know whats going on. Mrsinky let everyone BUT her know you see.
Mrsinky has always been jealous of  her. Fair dos she was my first love. Broke my heart. When she and I meet we talk like...well very old friends. In a way perce, who gets a load of my artistic witter, has met her and she is impressive. But I never gave mrsinky cause to fear. All meetings she was present, for that reason. Mrsinky reckons Cherie will be on me like flies on shit.
It wont happen. Cheries bloke treats her well and she hasnt had much of that. He is good for her.
Do I love her? Hell yes. But in a different heartspace to Mrsinky.
Anyway, I am going round for tea tomorrow. With both of them. It feels like I am just letting her know why. In case she wonders, later.
Anyway today cooked tea. Involved baalamb. In heaven there is a baalamb that is happily telling its friends how it tasted.
To make it you need leg of baalamb rosemary, lovage, marjoram, onion, mushrooms, apple jelly, dijon mustard.
Oven to 180c
Stab leg deeply all over inserting rosemary into stabs. Slice an onion and 3 mushrooms into a roasting tin, then put the rack on top. Line the centre of the rack with onion, then lovage and marjoram sprigs then lay leg on top. Make a paste of dijon mustard and apple jelly, and some nutmeg. apply thickly to leg. Allow to dry, using hairdryer if in a rush. Cook for 1.5 to 2 hrs. Rest meat and deglaze pan for traditional gravy. Simmer with lumpy bits for best flavour.
Pudding was a pear pie. Sjortcrust top and bottom. Filling equal weights fresh pears and sultanas, teaspoon ginger, sprinkle brown sugar, lemon zest, lemon juice. Play with proportions. This too shall nom.
In other news foal learnt to ride a bike and a scooter today. Woot. You lot can throw all your children away now cos mine wins.

she wakes up, she makes up...

So this morning was rushed getting foal ready for her amdram. They are dojng a junior show which I have to witness this evening. It will be excruciating. Part of it is ripoed off from the mechanical lkayers in midsummer niggts dream...foal is the wall who stands between the lovers etc.
Msinky had work to do so i was going to get some modelling tweezers and go to the gym. Only she needed help gangjng stuff up. And like a mug i went.
We worked so well together. Got the job done. Like ateam. Her eyes are so blue. And her tits are magnificent.
Afterwards we sat and had a coffee.
And she was making plans to go out with someone else.
My heart is broken.
My joints are unstable and very painful. Nearly fell off the ladder a few times.
Wish i had

So the one legged jockey said..

It has been something of a day. When I woke I thought today had only Foal ferrying, taking Mr Hutt (shall we call him Salacious Crumb? He is actually rather nice) to the gp for a blood test and a bout of physio. Although i say physio what i mean is 2hrs of heavy gym work followed by a swim. This is needed to keep my eds under control. Or its the only weapon I have.
As Percy has pointed out specialists tell us zebrahim that we must be the fittest people we know. The problem is that to my boss and mrsinky and everyone else it looks like I am going to do something pleasant.
Let me address that for a bit. As Yukio Mishima once pointed out weight training is a form of meditation. Of course he was as mad as a benzedrine otter with a stoat up its bum but the point remains. So yes at its best it is...contemplative.
But with eds you have to concentrate soooo hard. Because a slight loss of form can send you to hospital. And of course everything you are doing is painful. Only the degree of pain guides your form.
So every day I am meant to do 2 hrs of painful stuff that is desperately important but which everyone else views as a luxury or a hobby.
After dropping off foal at the learnatorium  I hot a call from Salacious saying he didnt need a lift. Result i thought. I shall buy new trainers at the discount store (pure class me) then go to David Lloyd and meditate.
Painfully.
Then the phone rang. Igor reporting and needing virtual fish heads.
Then the email went. Boss needs two reports today.
Then the skype went...
I spent all day working. Then had to rush to get foal. Luckily today I still havent crashed. If this had been Friday I would have ended in a and e.
So no physio.
This happens a lot. The damage is invisible but I am laying down wages of pain and immobility.

In good news cmht have contacted me. I now have a contact no for emergencies.
And an appointment with a nazgul to get treatment strategies on the 25th.

Tomorrow I have no appointments after foaldrop. Lets see how that one goes..eh?

Whats..Uh, the deal?

So this morning a miracle happened.  My G.P. , in common with many of his colleagues, has many ways of getting an appointment in a month but only one way of getting an appointment on the day- the 8.30 phone lottery.
This is cunningly timed to coincide with the school run.  Normally you spend 20 minutes on redial then get told there is none left.
Today I had my hands free on and told foal to dial.  We got through first time. Yay team Inky.
The GP was his normal harried self.  40 minutes overrun by 9.40 the poor bastard.  He listened.  He even had some follow up questions on things he had actually listened to on the last visit.
He referred me to the CMHT.
OK so thats how its supposed to go I think.  But it is easy to see how pitifully little that is.
At the moment my life is coming apart at the seams.  I either have lost or am losing everything that matters to me.  I have literally nothing left that I can count on.  What I have is melting like a chocolate butt plug.
I am sick of people thinking that they know what is good for me and deciding it for me.  That is not a comment on the readership here- you have been right about me needing to get help.  My reluctance is due to my firm belief that help is not really possible.  Help for this kind of thing is dependent on the idea that people change, and that the relationship between patient and therapist is built on trust and honesty.  Well to quote a character that was based on me, people do not change, and everybody lies.
But in other areas of my life people decide based on their own views what is good for me, or what would help me.  They never ever get it right.  And the actions they take based on those assumptions are killing me.
After the GP, and th curry cake, it was a sofa day.
And now it is an anxiety evening.  Foal is abed.  Mrsinky out at a work do.  I am restless.  Typing this is all I can do.  My stomach is turning over and over.  My joints ache.  I cant concentrate even on Buffy.
I dont know how much more of this I can take.

There was some good news for mrsinky today.  perhaps she can be happy.

Hoo goes there prt 2

I have to recommend Sutton Hoo if you havent been. Despite being pillaged by the British Museum they have a wondrful display.
We paid for a guided tour by the inestimable Nick Wright and I bored everyone else by being me at him. That ship was feckin huge photo 2 has ne at the stwrn and foal at the bow. Huge academofun.

In Foal's words:
It was awesome cause we had a guided tour who told us lots of interesting facts however there was one point when he went on and on but it was a very good day    espcially the tour.

Hoo goes there pt 1

Guess where we are?

Lovely day in suffolk.
Bad day inside inkys body.
But Foal and I got here.
More latr.

This one time, at Band Camp...

This morning dawned.
I suppose it had to. Nobody asks days if they want to dawn. Its all pressure and expectation.
Needless to say no miraculous cure overnight. Mrsinky off for visit with friends leaving me with foal today. Foal has taken up trumpet and is doing v well (cue Mandy Rice Davies but she really is) but I loathe and abominate all brass instruments so this is a new hell for me. The last trumpet player I liked was Satchmo.
This morning was the Suffolk Youthicised musicorama school thing meaning I had to sit for 90 mins waiting whilst juvenile brass players farted down drainpipes.
I woke with a sinhs headache so this was not good. I took work along but could not concentrate. Mass transfer dynamics must wait.
Concentration is something i cannot currently do.
Breathing is another. Lungs are very twitchy. If I dont keep an eye on it airways close and i start accessory breathing which is fine till i walk or talk. Ran out of breath halfway thru an order in Pizza Slut.
I didnt rant about foals Parent Consultation Day. Partly because I am worried about her. Having a sick Dad and a stressed Mum and being cared for by a Tattooine moneylender is affecting her school work.
But I am angry about the process. You are given 15 minute slots. Child present. The teacher reads out the scores from her laptop. The teacher then suggests actions. Then a buzzer sounds and you move on.  Speed dating for edumaphiles.
Needless to say I booked a double slot. Foal absent. I spent 10 mins explaining in detail why this was such a bad idea and exactly where they could put the notion of the child to be present for all consultation frankly listen to the situation was completely ridiculous how on earth you're supposed to have an adult conversation and exchange meaningful ideas in the presence of a vulnerable audience is beyond me the whole thing was a massive pr exercise so they could say that they have consulted as that actually having let us say anything at all it was frankly disgusting. I don't know if this is due to the headmistress of the school or if it is a government initiative or if it is just for straight out of the ass of a pr person, however whatever it is it really really will not do. I think I have made this perfectly plane now I expect the teacher will be regretting for a long time the fact that I was off sick.
I suppose that I should not be mean to them they're trying to do a job badly. However i get very defensive I had an absolutely foul time in all of my schools i really don't want foal to have the same problem.
In other news when do you want to have the familiar in stable feeling that means i have to be very careful about moving around thats one reason why i am dictating this by voice i hope that i'm catching all of the errors .

Living with eds is complex i have little enough energy at the best of times. Having to spend an awful lot more energy simply watching where i put my feet, concentrating that i don't hyperextend my knees, being careful i don't pick something up too far, being careful i don't wave my hands and dislocate my wrist is something i just don't need.
Just imagine gentle reader that each time he went to the toilet you have to concentrate on how you held your c*** so that your hand did not hurt that is the position that i live in.

Good night and good luck.

Night thoughts

I am in a state. Gratuitous Simkn and Garfunkel....

I can hear the resonant warthog like snoring of the girl that I love
As she lies here beside me and farts in her sleep
And her arse in the moonlight glows like a conch shell
Cos shes twisted the covers down under her feet....

But I digress.
Suicide monkey is strong tonight. Ordinarily I would neck gin and tramadol but i have given one of thosd up not without cost. So I am sipping beer in the dark. My gastric surgery means booze hits me hard and fast.
The suicide monkey followed me into the pool at david lloyd today. I was doing some lengths to try and cut down the leukotrienes. Gentle exercise can help asthma a lot.
Stupid monkey was swimming alongside me telling me to inhale water. Sounds silly but its a pain.
Speakjng of pain my no sleep diet has left me very hurty. The hips and shoulders and wrists in particular.
Thumb also hurts.
And vision is deteriorating.
Monkey may have a point.

The soup will go on....

After school foal had a trumpet lesson. So we had to rush home and whilst she was tooting away I had to prepare dinner. Tonight it was soup.
I should state that whilst I support and cherish foal I cannot stand brass instruments. Her choice of trumpet has sorely tried me. As for her teachers choice to get her to play Celine Dions most famous song...you know ...Near..Far...With a cat in your bra...I believe that my arse will grow on....
That was the final straw.
So tonight its Inkys patented 20 min Leek and Potato soup.
You will need 1 oz butter 3 leeks a large spud 2 stock cubes and a pack of ready meal mashed potato. Asda basics is fine. Creme fraiche to finish is optional.
I use a mandoline to slice the leeks but as long as the long oniony bastards end up in rings its fine. Heat the butter in your pan and soften the leeks. Tip on enough water to float them. Add stock cubes. Peel and finely dice mr spud. Throw in. Boil for 15 mins. Add pack of mash and stir in to thicken. Season  with sslt and pepper and add creme fraiche or yoghurt to finish.
I do a lot of soups. My favourite is a morrocan apricot and almond soup which takes 3 days. French onion is next fave at 6hrs. All of them got served with no comments. This one gets yummy noises and asks for seconds every time.
Ffs.