So this morning a miracle happened. My G.P. , in common with many of his colleagues, has many ways of getting an appointment in a month but only one way of getting an appointment on the day- the 8.30 phone lottery.
This is cunningly timed to coincide with the school run. Normally you spend 20 minutes on redial then get told there is none left.
Today I had my hands free on and told foal to dial. We got through first time. Yay team Inky.
The GP was his normal harried self. 40 minutes overrun by 9.40 the poor bastard. He listened. He even had some follow up questions on things he had actually listened to on the last visit.
He referred me to the CMHT.
OK so thats how its supposed to go I think. But it is easy to see how pitifully little that is.
At the moment my life is coming apart at the seams. I either have lost or am losing everything that matters to me. I have literally nothing left that I can count on. What I have is melting like a chocolate butt plug.
I am sick of people thinking that they know what is good for me and deciding it for me. That is not a comment on the readership here- you have been right about me needing to get help. My reluctance is due to my firm belief that help is not really possible. Help for this kind of thing is dependent on the idea that people change, and that the relationship between patient and therapist is built on trust and honesty. Well to quote a character that was based on me, people do not change, and everybody lies.
But in other areas of my life people decide based on their own views what is good for me, or what would help me. They never ever get it right. And the actions they take based on those assumptions are killing me.
After the GP, and th curry cake, it was a sofa day.
And now it is an anxiety evening. Foal is abed. Mrsinky out at a work do. I am restless. Typing this is all I can do. My stomach is turning over and over. My joints ache. I cant concentrate even on Buffy.
I dont know how much more of this I can take.
There was some good news for mrsinky today. perhaps she can be happy.
RantingScienceZebra The rantings of a bitter, twisted, sometimes crippled and rather mad scientist
Inky couple of things - NICE recommends medication AND talking. I don't know what your experience with meds is like - they help some and not others.
ReplyDeleteAnd do not disregard peer group support, in my humble opinion, a powerful potential force for healing the wounds professionals can't touch. As you may remember, my psychotherapy group, all 3 years of it, was one of the best things I ever did. It was not 'led' by a therapist, though a therapist was almost always present.
And I got a lot of my membership of Depression Alliance, particularly the online forum. That's now been reinvented (as Friends in Need), and I chat to my buddies via Facebook instead. But check out the charity at: http://www.depressionalliance.org/.
I hope you find some measure of improvement. I don't really fuss about a cure or recovery any more, just a better quality of life.
Cathy xxx
With meds I have mixed experience. Last time round I had little response from SSRIs of any kind...just the sweats. SNRIs better, venlafaxine was good but back then it was twice daily. Dothiepine helped me sleep but did not much for the depression.
ReplyDeleteBrowsing the BNF suggests mirtazapine may be the sweetie du jour. But the problem is getting CMHT to recognise that I know a good deal about this and not to just dish out the seroxat (one of the worst tolerated and yet most rpescribed drugs on the NHS. everyone I knew in real life on this me-too muck had a horrendous time and simply stopped taking it without telling their team)
I hear what you say about a peer group. And as soon as I find a peer I will suggest forming one...
Seriously I only trust people under threat of Mutually Assured Destruction. My GP is aware of this. I did group therapy for an intensive year and speent the whole time playing chess with the other inmates against the therapists. It was like the episodes of House where he is disrupting the psych ward he was sent to...except in my case I won. or lost.
Even if i were to identify a group I trusted ( likely to be badgers not humans) I would shy away from inflicting my presence on them because it would be harmful for all of us.
It is possible that i could engage with a quack, sorry, therapist but only if i was certain that any breach of trust would result in similar professional damage against them as would be suffered by a doctor. I cannot trust anyone unless I have a gun to their head.
If you see a psychiatrist for prescribing, you should be on firm ground. I am on venlafaxine, originally in combination with mirtazapine, all prescribed by a consultant. Now just on the venlafaxine (mirtazapine leads to notorious 'munchies' and weight gain). Good experience also with a very old fashioned AD - clomipramine. Citalopram (an SSRI) is the first line treatment I think (dredging up memories of the NICE guideline here), and good too in my experience. There's no reason at all why Seroxat should be pushed at you. If you wish to be the truly expert patient (!) NICE has published a guideline right up your street. https://www.nice.org.uk/guidance/cg91. Depression in adults with a chronic physical health problem: Treatment and management. That's your gold standard, right there!
ReplyDeleteMy sister cannot trust as a result of childhood trauma. Therefore she has never been able to engage with therapy, so I can understand that it's a complex process to establish an effective therapeutic alliance (love that jargon!!!!). Therapists as you know are not regulated like doctors (OH used to help the GMC strike off doctors). So they are not under the same control/sanctions regime as doctors are subject to. I feel safer in the NHS/voluntary sector myself. Never seen anyone outside the NHS infact. I've been lucky to have been offered many types of therapy all NHS funded - CBT, Transactional Analysis, systemic family therapy, been there, done that got many t-shirts. And still crazy of course!
My suggestion of an online peer-group still stands. I made some real good buddies from DA's former self-help forum. But you do need to look at the rules/moderation very carefully.
Hope this helps. Not trying to be patronising. A moderator once suggested to me that my tone was 'school-marmish'!!!!! *Indignant*
Best love, Cathy xxxxx
Time keeps moving on
ReplyDeleteFriends they move away
I'm sorry.
ReplyDelete