Translate

Tuesday 27 October 2015

I'm living in a powder keg and throwing off sparks..

.S So anyway life goes on . It seems we cannot stop it.
this la st week has been a bugger by any Standard and I for onewant it to stop. Observnrt readers will know that Mrslnky Moved out on Saturday thereby putting an end to the horrid infighting. But as you in the real world know this means a lot of expense and a lot of emotion.
To be honest I an not feeling this yetbecause there is so much to do. Spock is having a great time working out the logical place to put paprika and where George would look best. George has been iIl so l hope the change will do him good. God knows what will happen when I run out of jobs to do.
Anyway that was the end of the week,  started with me at a conference and shaking like a leaf because Boss was there. In the end he literally ran from the room to avoid me. l was so upset by this it did not let  me enjoy  the rest of the conference. So then I got train and taxi home. Next day I was meant to be doing my Bike Theory test. No wallet.. No licence. Arg!
The test people would not let me do it without so that Was money downthe drain. I have rebooked for the 12th.
So then 1 start cancelling cards. When the taxi driver turns up with my wallet.
Big sigh of relief.
then I had food poisoning for a 2 day vomit fest.
Anyway the process of moving Mrslnky out has been trying on many levels. Only now does she realise the cost of this process. What I and she had lost.
So roll on surgery

Friday 16 October 2015

Leaves are brown, and the sky...

It has been a bad few days.
Last week I had a meeting with my IDT where we agreed that there was nothing they could do but play with the meds.  The shrrink was also a bit blunt about the fact that my Aspergers is not remediable. Or almost certainly not.
The shrink and I then plotted what our next move would be , med-wise, which looks like thyroxine.  So he asked for a thyroid test.  I was going to the GP anyway because of my knee so added in a flu jab, an alteration to the med scheds and asked for a thyroid test.  GP pointed out my thyroid function was being tested regularly, i had been boringly normal for 3 years and that had the shrink logged in properly he could see that.
So ho hum.
Anyway the reason for the search is that I am not stable.  I hesitate to say i am bipolar.  I think I am unipolar but brittle.  The Bupropion has helped a bit at higher dose, i think.  But I am getting lots of panic and depression at very short notice.  Walking down a street the other day I was fine at the top, shaking and crying at the bottom.  The shaking thing is an issue.  I am getting marked tremor that comes on at times.  I mentioned this to the shrink and he kindly suggested that as I had been having a gin and tonc at night as a hypnotic it was probably the D.T.s.
Cunt.
So I did a dry week, absolutely no difference except the normal, which is that sleep without hypnotics gives me nightmares.  All night.
So a week of early waking for naught, although I did find out what the shakes were.  They are an exaggerated form of fatigue tremor.  They come on after I have used muscles for a bit.  I think this may be a bupropion side effect.
Mrsinky has found a house to move to.  Given that we had a blazing row, largely because my low mood coincided with her being cross, but my mood went so low I do not know how I stayed alive.  Rang the emergency line for the first time in ages.
well we got through, and now she is moving out.  this makes me very sad because i love her, but also relieved because we were making each other ill.
well it had to happen.
On the plus side I have managed to gym a couple of times.  I started on some leg exercises and got back into doing deadlifts.  I now remember why all the men I Know who are into deadlifts have such wonderful taut arses.  God it works your glutes.
I also have done more bike lessons and continue to improve.  I still need practice but its better.  Today went out in the rain and got the coldest bollocks I have ever had.  Jesus. Took me ages to thaw them out.  Must get better protective clothing.
I am still stuck with the untreatable Aspergers thing.  I went on a couple of dates that were so bad people bailed early.  Was such a blow.  I know I am Asperging them but cannot help it.
Arg.

Exodus 10:14

Cona Glen

15/09/2015


I woke to the sound of gentle rain at 8am.  Well ok to recount how the night went, after having a cup of Swiss tea (In Switzerland I found it hard to keep fresh milk at my digs- I never used enough and so it was always either accumulating or going off.  So I got used, in extremis, to making a strong pot of tea then squeezing in condensed milk from a tube.  This makes a good cup of builders tea.  They have started doing these tubes in the UK so I took some along-invaluable.) with midge croutons, and settling down to read my kindle (I reasoned its low battery usage would make it last- I was right.  Kindle Paperwhite FTW) and to have a few hits on the half bottle of scotch in my pack.  That extra weight was worth every drop.  Soon sleepy due to hard work and the distillers art I settled down properly to sleep.  Sadly the designers of "mummy"type sleeping bags have a very strange idea of anatomy.  Eventually managed to get everything in the bag but it was a struggle.
So I slept, fairly well, with my clothing drysack and inflatopillow under my head.  The groundsheet was resting on a layer of sphagnum moss which was an excellent mattress.
I actually first woke at 4am with a bulging bladder and went outside for a slash.  After gifting a tree with nitrogen I then went back for another 4 hrs.
Incidentally those with Ehlers Danlos will know that 4 hrs sleep is essentially 2 lots of 2 hrs at best as you have to wake up to put your shoulder back in it's socket every couple of hours.
But 8 am I woke, as I say, to the sound of rain.  Except it wasn't was it?  It was the midges hitting the tent in their insane bloodlust.  I had to DEET up and net up before I even cracked the door to get the water boiling.  The strainer built in to the saucepan came in usefull to get the midges mainly out of the tea.  I also made one of the Mountain House dehydrated meals- raspberry oatmeal.  Surprisingly yummy.
Packing up took me far longer than it should.  Partly because i hadn't practiced it and also because of the beauty of where I was.  So there I was wasting half the day again.
Anyway I started out on the road again, to get a light shower, but it soon passed and back came the sun.
My pace was pretty good, despite the pack shifting a bit due to changed weight distribution.  However I developed a blister on the ball of my big toe and stopped to treat with Compeed.  I cracked on to an Estate bothy at Corrlarach which was locked but had a hard stand outside I used to boil up lunch, another dehydrated meal this time Sweet and Sour Chicken.  This was surprisingly good.  I know, I also was surprised.
The Cona brook has many, many waterfalls along it.  I urge you to go and see.  be carefull of the enormous Highland cattle though.  the bulls definitely give you evils.



That is typical Cona Glen scenery.  Wild, waterfally and free.  The loneliness...well actually I was not lonely.  and for the first time in a long time the horrible roar of every one elses emotions was not there.
About 8 km in to the walk, on a fairly flat bit of track, my left knee gave way.  I couldn't straighten it, I couldn't bend it.  I used my stick to hop to a boulder and sat for 5 mins rubbing it.  Got up, seemed ok.  Then after 15 yards it went again.
Clearly not good.  I was so far up the glen that the nearest help was over the pass at the end.  But there was no way I was doing that tonight.So I started to look for a campsite.
Of course at this point Cona Glen consists of one giant Sphagnum bog.  everything was sodden.  In the end i found a small hill on top of which red sphagnum was growing.  Red Sphagnum grows on soil not slush, so it was the best I was going to do.  I pitched my tent and then hopped down to the river for water.
The groundsheet kept me dry but you could feel water oozing out when you lay on it.
This time the wind was up enough to keep the midges off so I used my dry ingredients to cook a morrocan soup/stew and a damper with fruit and suet.  I only had chopsticks and a fork to turn it but it was yummy.
I necked some tramadol and helped it along with some whisky.  this soon had me soothed to sleep.

Wednesday 14 October 2015

It may be time we talked about this

As you may be aware I have Aspergers, or at least that is my preliminary diagnosis. There is a lot written about Aspergers and I am not about to rehash it here. But there is something that is often overlooked.
This is mostly about adults with Aspergers, particularly those who were not diagnosed as children, a situation that often comes with depression as a comorbidity .
Half of us, this grouping, will struggle with suicidal thoughts.
Nearly a third will attempt suicide.
A third.
That is ten times the rate in Neurotypical adults. To put it in perspective that is the same kill rate as the Black Death.
Why?
You cannot come up with a single answer that fits everyone. But I suspect it is the normal Aspie tension. We cannot tolerate social interaction but we are desperately lonely. It's like being a drug addict allergic to drugs.
I have no answer as to what to do. I have had a week where my PSW and I parted company as we both agreed he could not help me, and my psychiatrist said much the same. I just have to live with it, apparently. It is up to others to adjust to me, apparently.
Yep. That works.

Thursday 8 October 2015

At first I was afraid...

Second day instalment of the hiking  journal...

14/09/2015
Fort William-Cona Glen

I woke up at 4.30 am to the rocking of the train and tried to convince myself to go back to sleep.  I tried a drink of water, a brief read, counting sheep, a stealthy wank (even though Pete had moved out leaving me alone in the cabin the walls are paper thin) but nothing worked.  In the end I gave up and just lay there reading.  This is one of the bad things about depression, it totally messes with sleep at a time when the roborant of morpheus is something you direly need.
Eventually the stealthy noise of people waking started and I took the opportunity to sneak out for a dump before the rush started.  Back to the cabin, a wash in the sink and dressed, then lounged at my ease till breakfast arrived.
This turned up in a cardboard container that looked like two disposable hospital bedpans welded together but contained a passable mini fry up.  The tea arrived in kit form however.  How hard is it to put the teabag in? Eh?
We rolled into Fort William at 9.55 a.m. which was very civilised.  I was a little disoriented as to where the ferry left from to cross the loch, so I ended up missing the 10.20, which I could have got.



 This meant there was a 2 hr delay, so I nipped to Mountain Warehouse for some karabiners and a large dry-sack.  Then to Costa for a coffee and a stealthy charge of the electronics.  Due to Amazon fucking up I had only a kindle copy of the guide and was worried re charge.  I have an emergency recharge block though.


I eventually caught the 12.20.  It was just me and the ferryman, who looked like an 18 year old Tom Hardy.  Crossing Loch Shiel you get  good views of Ben Nevis.  On the other side there s a bus stop and two houses and a small, single track road.  Officially this is an A road.  Not much uses it.  The guide says follow this road until you hit the base of Cona Glen then hang a right.

The road reminds me of the ones in Cornwall in my youth.  Lined with mossy stones.  In fact the edge of the Loch is lined with typical western temperate rain forest, broadleaf trees, moss, ferns.  Anyone visiting Scotland hass to rememberit has an impresiive amount of water falling on it during the year.  Most of the traffic using this road is holiday related, such as cyclists or minibuses loaded up with rucksacks.

Speaking of which it took me a while to adjust my rucksack so that it was even vaguely comfortable.  Too many controls!  In the end I got it to sit up properly and adjust to my weird spine.  The road here was long and the tarmac hard, but the occasional stream crossing the road made up for it.  A few cyclists passed me, some several times.
I got into a rythmn quite well and pounded on, pausing every time i crossed a stream to check where I was.  Eventually I reached the base of Cona Glen, where you get this view over the loch...
 You hang a right up an uninspiring looking rough gravel track.  As you keep going it gets less and less developed and eventually feels rural again.  A cart track really.
Here two things asserted themselves.  One was a HUGE highland bull who stared evilly at me until I was out of sight.  the other was the midges.  They are voracious.  As soon as the breeze drops, or you walk slow enough they attack and they pack a punch.  Head net and DEET.  But DEET just stops them biting ( cannot blame them it tastes foul) they still crawl all over you.  worse still are the Keds.  I did not know what these were at first and so named them Brown Bitey Scuttlebastards. Lipoptena cervi in Latin.  But they have a fascinating life cycle.  They land on you, then shed their wings and scuttle into the nearest hairy bit.  most often the back of the neck.  They are very resistant to swatting, you have to roll them off to break their legs.
Anyway after a lovely stroll up the Glen it started westering and so I looked for a place to camp. In a riparian wood I found this.  I shall let the pictures speak.









Sunday 4 October 2015

Anyway, I can't believe you want to turn the page.

This is the first section of my holiday journal from the recent, slightly abortive, trek.  Whenever I go walking I keep a diary.  Here I am trying to match it up with the pictures.
13/09/15
Ipswich-Fort William

I always find it tricky packing.  I have a tendency to overpack.  I also had very little time without people present.  I cannot concentrate on anything is someone talks to me and that was all MrsInky and Foal wanted to do.  So the planning I needed to put into it was not there.
I used the guidelines in the Cicerone guide to pack equipment.  Tent, sleeping bag, self inflating mat, clothes, waterproofs, gaiters, gloves, bothy shoes, stove, mug, cutlery, multitool, emergency kit, first aid kit, poo trowel, head torch.  All with as many dry sacks as I could find.
Of course I also had to pack food.  I had a mix of dry ingredients, peperami, spices etc.  Also several of the Mountain House dehydrated meals.  The problem is that on this trail you have to carry food because there is not much en route.  4 days at any 1 time.
My rucksack, though large, had to have lots strapped on the outside.  It is very very heavy.  I know this is a mistake but can do nothing at this stage.
I have a small bottle of whiskey along, and this journal and my kindle and origami paper.  Thats my entertainment.
I got a taxi at 13.30 with a rather strange driver.  He was a Kurdish immigrant who used to ive in the mountains.  he was a concert pianist, violinist and violator (or whatever a viola player is called).  Very friendly guy.
I caught the 14.47 down and then round the tube to Euston.  This meant a long wait for the sleeper but I would rather be early than late.  And anyway I can be alone and peaceful there.  Of course Euston had decided to close its internal  eateries so I was sitting outside and frankly the air temperature was not warm.
I am trying to master an origami unicorn but it is very very hard.  I am smoking too much e-cig.  This is mainly stress related.  I am very very very stressed out.
I ate a chilli in Ed's American Diner which was pretty reasonable.
I boarded the sleeper about 19.30, to find my bunkmate, Pete, already in.  I only just got my rucksack in the space, then went down to the cafe.  I had forgotten how small the standard bunks are.
Down at the cafe Pete and his friend Meg were sat down and i joined them as it was the only free seat.  I didnt need more food but had a Bowmore which was rather nice.  We chatted, and then by chance Meg's bunk mate failed to turn up so Pete was moved into her cab, leaving me alone in the space.  While they were arranging this I rang Foal at 9pm to say good luck- she was off on adventure camp the next week, with rucksack etc.
We talked a while in the cafe and I showed them a few origami standards, then I went to bed.
I am very conflicted about MrsInky.  She cried when we said goodbye and said how much she would miss me.  But if that is the case why is she leaving?  At times people drive me insane. Why not just say what you mean?
The motion of the sleeper is not wonderful for my joints, so my sleep is rather disturbed.

Friday 2 October 2015

I'm a boy, I'm a boy but my Ma won't admit it

Male zebras are relatively rare.

Well the condition seems to affect more women than men.  Certainly the chatrooms and support organisations are pretty much sausage free zones.  You do find some online though.
And that is good because male zebras do get some problems unique to the type.
This post is going to involve a variety of EDS symptoms/things some of which are male specific and others of which are a bit more general.
First I can start with something that seems to be true on informal data gathering and may be one of the few bonus cards you get with this disease.
Male zebras are hung.
They tend to be growers not showers but the elastic nature of the tissue means that we are essentially blessed with an extra, retractable, leg.  No I am not posting pictures.  Look me up on Grindr.
So far so good.
Now you knew there was a downside, yes?
A few weeks ago I developed ...well cracks on my cock.  Specifically on the foreskin. Very painful on peeing and retracting.  And no no pictures of that either.  These cracks would scar, but the scar would make it difficult to retract, and then it would split and...just ouch.
Being a responsible chap I went to my GP.  He has an absolute horror of anything in my pants.  Seriously the guy diagnosed me with sclerosed external haemorrhoids on the basis of my description of what I could feel.  So he said Clap Clinic.  I was going anyway, as responsible adults sshould every so often.  They did various embarrassing tests then got a doc to stare at it for a while.  He said he didn't think it was herpes but gave me a course of acyclovir anyway while the tests went off.
Anyway acyclovir comes and goes, it gets no better.  Tests come back all clear.
So I was chatting to a male zebra online and the subject of sore cocks came up and he said yes, very common, it is due to skin fragility and having a big dick. Steroid cream for the scarring, he said.  So I procured some Canesten HC (which is a weak steroid as well as an antifungal), smeared it on, and within 2 days all was normal in cocksville
Now I am not recommending self diagnosis here but on investigation this is common for male zebras.  But it is word of mouth.  I have done a LOT of pubmed searches around this disease, and have excellent journal access.  Not a...ahem...sausage.
So the reason for sticking this here is to spread the word that male zebras have enormous but fragile cocks.

Now this gentle reader is cigarette paper scarring.  I had 2 small spots on my leg and this scar tissue developed where they were.  This is another well documented zebra skin thing.  Pretty isn't it?  No?

Now you know I went hiking recently?  I looked after my feet, did everything you are meant to do, wore good, well broke in boots, proper socks, everything.
Below is the state of my feet.  I am certainly going to lose 2 toenails and the skin on the rest is looking dodgy.  This goes a little beyond the normal hiking foot damage.
Basically at the moment my skin is falling apart.  Oh what fun