dont it always seem to go

it turns out that the scapulothoracic joint or scapulocostal joint is one of those things you dont know what you got till its gone.  Joni mitchell bit me in the back tonight.  I was making more garibaldis (nom) and experimenting again towards rich tea (ack.  so near but so far) after a day of activity.
To be honest my day health wise has been a warning of sorts.  i havee had neurasthenial episodes and also a lot of trouble with my temporomandibular muscle group in exhaustion.  And visual distortions and disautonomia.  Ive been worried this heralds a downturn.  or given migraine the other day something worse.
mrsinky is out tonight and i am on sole foal duty.  so we did pasties aerlier to go with soup (cheese, onion, potato and thyme flower in one, pear sage and stilton in the other) which nommed.  as soon a foal hit bed I started biscuiting.
Anyway i bend down to get them out of the oven and the scapulocostal on the right pops upwards and sticks.  I hit the floor, still holding hot biscuit tray.
did you know you move your shoulder to stand upright.  i now walk like a lower case r.  it is...awkward.
fuck this disease in the arse

a pocketful of mumbles, such are promises

So as is increasingly the case I am in Costa. Again with the cafe hotties though one is the manager so I cannot easily add a snap.  However enough to look at.
Yesterday my mood was not good.  I had significant small muscle tremor by 5pm, which may have been somatic or not ( I am increasingly worried by neurological symptoms but know that depression can give them too) and was weeping in a chair for a couple of hours.  In the end i went out on a chocolate buying run just to have thingtodo, bought some gin and downed 1/3 bottle with a garnish of bitter lemon and a zopiclone.  So adieu consciousness.
Today I am not hung over as such though lots of things are taking longer than they should and i feel neurologically dodgy...but then this is less worrying than yesterday as I have a proximal cause.
I am very keen on trying to sort out at least one paper and the rest of the trashy novel I have been inflicting on perce every so often.  Or at least I am keen upp till the point of doing something about it then I fail.
Yesterday I had made up my mind to dump Date. Simply to minimise the damage I did to him.  i cannot form a mental picture that involves me being alive in a years time and he deserves more than that.
I went into town to pick up new contacts.  glasses drive me insane but lenses do too.  the free trial of 5 pairs is not enough for me to try and get used to the horrific feeling of eyefulness from the lenses so have orderd 30 pairs to give it a fair go.  If this fails will try to have eyes lasered.  Problem is the acuity I am used to is very very high.  so I am asking them to give me back above normal vision.  true to my neurology my brain cannot process multifocals, or glasses or any other vision trick as anything other than a nausea inducing obstacle to sight.  as we speak I am trying to look round the edges of the obstacle in front of my eyes (glasses) as my brain is telling me over and over it is in the way.  Maddening.
yesterdays physio, who told me that training me was like training a stroke victim because of proprioceptive lack, has kinda stuck in my head.  there is an asimov story where a kid with CP is hooked up to a virtual link to a rover on mars and can suddenly run and play because he is on the right planet at last.  I am waiting to find out what fucking planet I was supposed to be on.  I suspect it was that one from Stargate SG-1 which was falling into a black hole.
Zoodlewurdle.
Tonight foal and I will be doing experimental pasties.  but to go with it Inkys Patented really easy leek and potato soup, which I think I have posted before... but here goes.
You need:
Leeks,
Potato
ready meal mash
stock
butter or oil.

remove green tops from leeks.  make up the stock hot and allow leek tops to add their distinctiveness to it.  Cut the leekwhites into rings, sweat on VERY low heat in the butter until soft but NOT BROWN, OH GOD HELP YOU IF THE LEEKS BROWN.
cube the potatos about 1cm on a side, add to the pan and toss in the fat.  grind in black pepper.  also season with herbs of choice.  dill is excellent here, as, oddly is lavender.  lovage too.  or sage.  i shall be saging it.
as soon as the flavour of the herbs have infused out ( you will smell it) add the stock to take the level up...i suggest normally about2-3 times the volume of solids.  heat it up.
simmer for 10 mins till the cubes are soft, then thicken by stirring in the ready meal mash.
a pot of sour cream is a nice finish but you do not have to.
garnishes such as thin sliced kabanos, bacon cubes, chives, dill, small trained swimming sheep, bread dumplings, etc are optional.
eat with a spoon and a slurp.

Out of reach, so far,...

So this week underlined a few things.
The trip to Denmark was interesting, and shows how much of my work could be applied to food science etc.  except I now have no way of applying it.  Also the strain of the trip was huge.
My freinds keep coming up with ideas of what I should do next and each one fills me with more horror and despair than the last.  I cannot cope with the notion.  I dont want another career.  I dont want to go into industry because i know I would have no aptitude for it at all.  been there, tried that.  i do not care about making money.  Just do not care.
My brother kept saying "do something you enjoy".  I was.
I havent enjoyed anything else apart from sex for a long time, and I wouldnt make much as a hooker,
My dad is pointing out we need to sort out switzerland and move my stuff out.  I know this.  but it gives me panic attacks just thinking about it.  Because then it is real.
All the way back home from somerset I was daydreaming wee would get back, have a nice tea with mrsinky, then it would be so nice and friendly she would change her mind and it wouldnt be real.
From the minute i walked in teh door she was fucking livid with me for taking up space in the house, for making noise (we had kfc, involving rattly packets.  she finishes hers first, then stares at me and sighs for being rattly), for supporting her when foal threw a tantrum, for not supporting her when she and foal had a run in this morning....she clearly despises me.
I don't want to live.  Really just don't.  I am having to go to a "family" do tonight for the inlaws to celebrate foalmas.  after that ...well my intention is just to stop eating.  Normally I only last a few days on that before i give in.  but lets see how it goes.
Date has been texting.  he was confused by migraine delay. but I dont want to inflict myself on him in this state.  God knows how I am going to get through tonight.  Ive asked if mrsinky wants me there but she says foal does.
Physio...well movement in shoulder is better so have been given more exercises.  The physio, who is extremely beddable, kept struggling with my lack of proprioception.  I kept saying increase the load because i can feel tired, i cannot feel position.  His demos are entertaining.  One exercise he showed me- the starting position is essentially the classic "come and shag me doggy style" position from gay porn.  And very good he looked too. he showed me the easy one, then was nonplussed when i said that the complex one gave me too many things to think about.  for him motion is automatic.  for me it is all deliberate.  so kneeling on all fours then lifting two limbs is enough to think about.  moving as well makes me fall over.
He said, in a nice way, that it was like training a stroke victim.  I said very much, except stroke victims have no badd habits to overwright.  ALL of my movement patterns are bad habits, as I never had the feedback.

Betty davies eyes...

Monday we went walking at Priddy. I am a bit shocked at how late some plants are. There were still bluebells out ffs and this should be nearly orchid time. Still we walked around through the mineries, then up through the two barrow cemeteries. Not hot day but enough to give oliver his first taste of suntan. Saw a dead sloworm and much frog action.
So Monday night asI said I was round at Cheries with her and Mr Cherie. She served a lovely meatball tagine and we played Cards Against Humanity. We talked long and late. Cherie may be going through jobchange too but is in rather a better position. She was always tougher than me.
It was very good to see her, and to see her happy. She and MrCherie seem to have an accord.
So then yesterday I woke with a slight headache and thought i would sleep it off.
OMG.
I think this was my first migraine in 25 years. Photophobic, head bursting, vomiting. Well retching because i can no longer vomit due to lack of stomach.
Gentle reader have you ever vomited without a stomach?
Dont
Poor old foal. We were meant to be driving back so that she could be home for her birthday. I couldnt move all day. So foal had  a small party here with more to come.
So happy birthday to foal.

i don't know why I call him Gerald

So today the joints could move but much pain. Despite this I managed to do a few things. Mainly managed to feel very depressed. Really just wanting to die. Being here means I can turn off, no responsibilities etc. But at the same time that means mr brain, who hates me summons emo. And emo wants to die.
It doesnt help my sleeping pills are still in suffolk. So have been using theakstons.
Anyway today I rang Cherie. Cherie and I have been friends since I was 4. Had we gone to a sensible school that didnt traumatise me we would have married. She has a similar brain to mine, cooks as well but with more attention to presentation and has enormous tits.
However we were both fucked over by the same school. By the time I recovered enough to want to try relationship she was gone. We kept meeting up. There was sex. We did everything wrong. But one of us will bury the other.
Cherie has generally not done much relating, but she is in a relationship now with a really nice guy. So I am not ringing up for rebound sex. More to let her know whats going on. Mrsinky let everyone BUT her know you see.
Mrsinky has always been jealous of  her. Fair dos she was my first love. Broke my heart. When she and I meet we talk like...well very old friends. In a way perce, who gets a load of my artistic witter, has met her and she is impressive. But I never gave mrsinky cause to fear. All meetings she was present, for that reason. Mrsinky reckons Cherie will be on me like flies on shit.
It wont happen. Cheries bloke treats her well and she hasnt had much of that. He is good for her.
Do I love her? Hell yes. But in a different heartspace to Mrsinky.
Anyway, I am going round for tea tomorrow. With both of them. It feels like I am just letting her know why. In case she wonders, later.
Anyway today cooked tea. Involved baalamb. In heaven there is a baalamb that is happily telling its friends how it tasted.
To make it you need leg of baalamb rosemary, lovage, marjoram, onion, mushrooms, apple jelly, dijon mustard.
Oven to 180c
Stab leg deeply all over inserting rosemary into stabs. Slice an onion and 3 mushrooms into a roasting tin, then put the rack on top. Line the centre of the rack with onion, then lovage and marjoram sprigs then lay leg on top. Make a paste of dijon mustard and apple jelly, and some nutmeg. apply thickly to leg. Allow to dry, using hairdryer if in a rush. Cook for 1.5 to 2 hrs. Rest meat and deglaze pan for traditional gravy. Simmer with lumpy bits for best flavour.
Pudding was a pear pie. Sjortcrust top and bottom. Filling equal weights fresh pears and sultanas, teaspoon ginger, sprinkle brown sugar, lemon zest, lemon juice. Play with proportions. This too shall nom.
In other news foal learnt to ride a bike and a scooter today. Woot. You lot can throw all your children away now cos mine wins.

Want to believe the goddamned singer wrote the song

So today ws an exercise in misery. Crippled with pain all day. Foal had good time but i cant hold phone for long. Pain level ridiculous joints tender to touch.
I managed to distract self by tidying mums fridge and kitchen, cooking derby scones and garibaldis and also maple cooked gammon with parsley sauce.

Garibaldis slight variance...
Oven 200c
Sr Flour 100g
Butter 25g
Salt 1 pinch
Sugar 25g
Malt extract 1tsp
Egg
50g currants soaked in hot water 20 mins.
Rub in fat to flour n salt. Add sugar, then egg yolk, malt extract and enough milk to bring into v stiff paste. Work on a slab for 2 mins.
Roll out to 2mm, scatter half thickly with currants. Fold over, then roll diwn to 2mm again. Trim to rectangle then cut into biscuit shapes.
Brush with egg white then dredge with caster sugar.
Bake till golden n crisp.
Nom.

Turn cartwheels cross the floor

So last night i drove down. Bh traffic meant 7 hours in the car and it was hell on the joints. My back and hips and shoulders are very sore today. Shoulders very very tender in fact.
My brother keeps trying to persuade me to change career. Its getting very irritating. I dont care enough about anything to do it.
Stuck on sofa. But foal is happy outside. Getting v wet.

She wakes up, she makes up

So, I was going to get a title from Nobodys Diarybut this one is playing in Costa so here we go.
I have been in Scandiwegia for a day or two so it has been a no blog zone.  This was a talk that my friend whom we shall call Brent and I had arranged early in the year whenI still had a life. I kept him apprised of all the developements and he said go ahead anyway so I did.
Well I say apprised, I hadnt come out to him yet, though I did this weekend. Just because so many now mnow I am bisexual that it was better than he find out otherwise. Hjs reaction was basically "you were bi but totalky faithfull, why should Mrsinky care" and also " I dont give a fuck, is that whiskey you are holding?"
Remember he is under the scandiwegian booze blockade...
Anyhoo he and i go back 20 years or so. He was a junior in the lab where I did my Ph.D. and was bullied after I left (noone gets bullied where I can see it) but had a very very successful industry career.  Has now been brought in to academia to industrify the research.
So these guys are food science, and thats an open goal.  Microfluidics has not been applied to food science at all. So anything you do is publishable.
My big problem was concealing my current difficulties.
Anyhoo lots of lovely discussions. Nice blue sky thinking. Vague possibility of a job though thats very low likelihood. Lots of reminiscing.
Brent has gone slightly conspiracy theory wingnut but its entertaining.  Much beer. Also Oban whisky and good meals in Malmo, where I havent been for a decade.
Before I went date, whom I shall have to speudonymise soon, introduced me to his lovely dog. Dog is a boxer, very characterful, lovely friendly thing. But i managed to bork a shoulder in meeting him.  Still not sure Dates exepctations andmine coincide.
Flight over was ok but flight back was hell. Queueing system at copenhagen is awful. Next time im taking a chair.
Tonjght foal and i repair to Somerzet.
Yesterday was a sofa day.  But also....mrsinky rang and was talkkng about foals birthday next week. She was talking about getting separate presents. And it brought it back. I am living in denial. Im doing nkthing pretending its all ok. When i get a reminder of what my situation actually is...I fold. I cannot process it.
If it continues as is...well I have sick pay till Feb 2017. Then I will kill myself. Looking at it rationally I think thats the best solutoon all round.

Ps photo includes todays cafe hotty. This guys back sings s he moves.

she wakes up, she makes up...

So this morning was rushed getting foal ready for her amdram. They are dojng a junior show which I have to witness this evening. It will be excruciating. Part of it is ripoed off from the mechanical lkayers in midsummer niggts dream...foal is the wall who stands between the lovers etc.
Msinky had work to do so i was going to get some modelling tweezers and go to the gym. Only she needed help gangjng stuff up. And like a mug i went.
We worked so well together. Got the job done. Like ateam. Her eyes are so blue. And her tits are magnificent.
Afterwards we sat and had a coffee.
And she was making plans to go out with someone else.
My heart is broken.
My joints are unstable and very painful. Nearly fell off the ladder a few times.
Wish i had

Come into the garden, maude

Still fucked today but having to finish presentation because Denmark.  but in meantime...pictures of inkyroses.
I am so sad that i will have to sell this house.  my roses at the front are...well they are just right now.


aaaand now my music player played mr brightside.  Now i feel just lovely, given mrsinky is out.

on back wall l to r, climbing alecs red, etoile d'hollande, Albertine (round window)

In bed l to r ruby wedding annivrsary, fastaff, ice cream

Lavender munstead hedge

You can't shake it (or break it) with your Motown You can't melt it down in the rain

So yesterday and today were what you might call busts. After my gym session yesterday i felt ok. But after being home for a couple of hours alone my joints...well my shoulders were usrless. My ribs are floating around and so are my scapulae. Total agony.
My jaw is coming off and my wrists and fingers hurt too.
On top of tgt date cancelled because of work trip so i was going through a whole neediness spiral of are they dumping me etc etc. So texted them.
They rang me back with a variety of versions of dont be a twat. Apparently am nice sexy horse and a catch of some kind.
Date is clearly deranged.
However am now too aware i have expised too much of my cup of crazy too soon.
Also have several mysterious bruises that came up overnight with no trauma.
Okapi action suspectEd.

Serpent of the Nile, relieve me for a while....

So today I started work on a presentation for Copenhagen next week.  I havent done much but at least it is a start and I know what I want to say.
My brain is pretty much of the opinion that I shouldn't do it though.  Will not let me concentrate at all.
This is partly a reaction to a very bad day with Foal yesterday.
So I went to the gym.  I did a pretty good workout but my joints are now really fucked. shoulders are totally disfunctional. cannot raise arms above 30 degrees.  everything hurts. I think both properly subluxed.  my ribs are also out i think and lower spine not faring well.  hips flaring in sympathy.

Very very tempted to hit the opiate button.
Mrsinky and foal are out.  I took foal down to meet mrsinky so they could do nandos and cinema.  Mrsinky is going with two workmates.  She asked me to join them but I couldnt cope.  I couldnt turn up and be there with her and not with her.  I couldnt go along as if we were a family.  I couldnt go along and pretend it was normal.  this isnt normal.  this is wrong.  I chickened out, and drove bacck.. I cried all the way home.
Ive been texting my unfortunate date quite a lot.  Due to meet them tomorrow but have been being very needy tonight.  This seems not to have put them off.    I am due to see them tomorrow night.
maybe I should cancel and run.  for their sake.

Stop press. Date has to go to southamton instead. Sad lonely horse is sad and lonely.

So many dead ends, I’m at the edge of the lake Sometimes I wonder what it’s gonna take

Not all at Inky Towers continues well.
This is, of course, an understatement.  Mrsinky is hella stressed at work and has an injury to boot which is leaving her...well shall we say short tempered.   This has made living with her more than ususally hurtful and stressful.
Foal is picking up on this and reacting by being extra awful.  She really was unbelievable this morning.
Im stuck in the middle.  last night i was sat there trying desperately to hang on.  wanted to go out but had nowhere to go.  wanted to get blind drunk just to make it stop.  In the end went to bed, zopiclone plus triple vodka tonic made the world go away.
but this is total shit.

sailing hardships through broken harbours

So today was a nothing day. Yesterday was packed with drama and shite. Some nice bits.
Managed to gym a bit. Am getting to the point where i can actually chin up without the assist on which is nice.
Situation at home is crap. Am being shouted at for no reason. I really dont know whats going on and its making me very sad and anxious.
Todays bakes are biscuits. The first one is garibaldis based on this delia recipe.
Then we have two variations on rubbed biscuits.
Oven 180c
7oz sr flour
4oz butter
4oz caster sugar
3oz brown sugar
Pinch salt
1 egg yolk
1tbs malt extract
A little milk if you need it.
Combine dry ingredients. Rub butter in to make crumbs. Bring it together into a stiff dough using malt extract and yolk. And a little milk if you need it.

Plain sheldon biscuits...roll out and cut using sheldon cutter.

Fruit biscuits...knead handfulls of raisins and apricot cubes into the dough. Roll into a sausage then slice into discs.

For both cook until golden brown and firm.

So..the date went well. They are nice. We talked and had coffee. There was kissage.

This was date no 2. I worry that they may be hurt. Getting involved with me is not a good idea and i think they are looking longer term. I am just thinking a day at a time.

Ps a free virtual coatimundi to the first person who knows the song...

stumble to the kitchen, pour myself a cup of ambition...

So last night mrsinky tells me the plumbers are coming this morning at 8.  So I rush around and clean and tidy the whole house because basically ick.  This involves some serious toilet cleanage because two of the people living in our house think the toilet is cleaned by magical pixies from Narnia.  The toilet has been leaking water form the inlet pipe for weeks and my previous attempts at fix have not worked.
So two scrummy plumbers turn up, tighten a nut, and leave.  Seriously.  Problem is I know damned well its not that simple- the fitting cannot cope with the movement ahem induced when people sit down.  no flexibility.  It will leak again.  but ho hum.
Anyhoo another early morning.  mrsinky had to leave early for work.  Foal and I managed to get ready in good time.  Off we drive.
No events really so far- explained the plot of Macbeth to foal on way in.  Sitting here trying to get up will to actually do work of some kind.
Tonight I am supposed to be out on a date.  massive mixed feelings.  mrsinky also I think.  I mean she is saying yes thats fine but also being very off.  You know me and interpersonal skills- could be anything.  But a big part of me is hoping that she actually has feelings for me and wants to give me my life back, in some way.  Being there, looking after foal...it is so hard to think she wants this broken.

people think I'm insane because I am frowning all the time.

So today was a day.  still is in many ways.
first was chasing around to get new contacts to try and also pick up cheap Harry Palmer glasses for enhanced driveseeing. That went ok.  I keep trying new contacts because i hate glasses but wearing contacts so far is like tipping sand in my eyes.  Horrible feeling. new ones frankly only slightly better.  2 hrs in and i want to inssert an icepick.  am using comfort drops at vast rate.
So after that I went to the psychiatrist.  Her role seems to be as a central clearing house for admin and platitudes. I tell her my issue is that I am just keeping moving with no real purpose and when i stop the emotions are unbearable.  She says tht often what people need is to keep moving till things sort themselves out.  I point out its been 45 years shouldnt something have sorted itself out by now?
I still lack motivation for anything.
I am biologically redundant, evolutionarily redundant, societally redundant.  What am I for?  Anyone posting a comment about the intrinsic beauty and worth of life will receive a parcel of irate mustelids by post
Speaking of which saw 2 weasels crossing my path this morning after the school run.  They were very quick, you could miss them quite weasily.
In life news Spock is arranging dates and stuff.  Its very strange.

My empire of dirt

So again the chores. Spent a long time mowing today. The shoulders hate me but i had to. So i am fucked.
Swam with foal after.
Just fixating on what an ugly failure I am.
Life purposeless set of jobs.

****hums "come to me, my melancholy baby"

So  yesterday was almost a write-off.  Spent most of it on the sofa with shoulderbadness and deep depression.  Mrsinky was out watching the football and Foal was round at a friends after Band Camp.
I went to pick them up.
The kid is a lovely little lad, big eyes, worships foal.  parents loaded, she has my permission to marry him.  But I was green with jealousy of the father.  3 handsome sons, money, loving wife, good looking.  Not his fault but it  is like the universe rubbing my nose in my inadequacy.
i managed to mow the front lawn just about but only by locking shoulders.  back lawn- wll lets give it a day...
I made bread last night using a sourdough starter i kept over the last few days.  it was ok but the starter is clearly not good.  nasty aftertaste.  certainly not worth the effort.
Then i tried to make some biscuits.  Real problems there- recipe called for 1 tbs baking powder.  i thin it meant 1tsp.  tasted like drain cleaner.
And so to bed with cat, zopiclone and gin and tonic.
ths morning argued with foal who has inherited her mothers hatred of b and w films.  However now settling down to watch.  I mean Some Like It Hot is entry level.

you don't know where you met me, you don't know why...

Well today was something of a bust.

First of all the psychologist rang and arranged to see me in a couple of weeks, not today.  He asked if there was anything he should know first...so I said read the blog.

So Hello Clarice.  Do you seek to dissect me with this blunt little tool....

Lord knows whether Clarice will bother to read the blog or not. My expectations are not great.  Pace Cathy but psychologists are the homeopaths of mental health.  they weave their elaborate placebos whilst nature takes its course.  And that is just the good ones.  The bad ones do a lot of harm.  The last one I encountered, at Luton, was a spiteful witch frankly. Tried to slap a BPD diagnosis on me because I objected to her using my first name without an introduction.  The one before that was wet as a herrings bathing costume.  And before that....well a team of them.  Inlcuding the stereotypical art therapist with pencils stuck in loose bun of hair and tie-dyed smock, the earth mother type complete with nursing babe and the one who thought he ran the place.  As Edmund once said, as effective as a catflap in an elephant house.

So why do I bother accessing these folk?  deadly combination of hope and nothing else available.  Same thing that makes people watch Jeremy Kyle.

Aside from that...I had plans this evening, which went tits up due to force majeure so i ended up going to the cinema on my own.  saw age of ultron, which was remarkably grown up though The Vision was borrowing so heavily from Dr Manhattan he nearly turned blue.

But after I left...the old sadness set in.  Rough.  All the things I am doing- they are just distractions.  Spock has been busy setting up stuff to do.  Emo is still rocking.

Something else that had me rocking was the physio this morning.  I mean ok, attractive etc.  but at one point the diagnostic tantric moves he had me doing triggered a bout of no 10 pain from shoulder.  He was flapping around saying do you want to sit down whilst i was just seing flashing lights and trying to remember how breathing went.  I didnt swear at the poor lad.

Later i went to the gym and worked out because I needed something to feel.  gym went well but then i swam...
My favourite stroke is a towing sidestroke- i used to do lifesaving back in the day.  Well as I was doing this...understand how it works, you use the lower arm to pull forawrds, the upper arm is the towing arm.  seeing as I was on my own it was floating.  Weeelll my body contracts as I stroke, a motion that would look like a side to side wave...as the left side contracted my floating ribs decided to pop the wrong side of my iliac crest.  Because I have a hypermobile lower spine and vertebrocostal joints. instant searing pain.  Then the muscles in my side spasm, wrenching my pec and shoulder, which rotates my shoulder and subluxes my elbow.  So now I am spasmed into a sideways curl, left arm not working, cant use left foot, cant lift head out of water.  floated vaguely to side and hung on.  slowly by degrees spasm eased but my god I was close to unconscious in the water.

Oh and my jaw hurts.

fckit

Physical, physical, i wanna get physical...

So today am was physio.
As ever attractive young fit person. Spent a long time explaining eds and letting him write it down. Took ages to tell me my shoulder unstable between the anterior and medial deltoids. Which was what I told reception 2 weeks ago.  We then did the beighton warp of course. 5/5on old criteria.
I have been given some exercises but it took a while to get acoss that proprioceptive deficit means i cannot feel when the exercise is right. Without a mirror or a marker I am fucked. So I had to get him to demonstrate a few times to analyse it. Bonus being feeling up toned young thing while they exercised.
Thoracic spine is stiff, probably spasm. They diagnosed this by having me lie face down then bouncing on top of me.
Hve been given more therabands. The physio latex fetish continues unabated. Anyone slept with a physio? Is it as rubbery as I suspect?
Anyway next stop is psychologist this afternoon. Psychologists and i have a stormy relationship. They think I am awkward. I think they are quacks who flunked med school and took up snake oil. Not hopeful of good outcome. Hopefully this evening will be better.

Have you ever seen the rain coming down a sunny day?

So this morning I got up and voted, taking foal down to the station to show her what it was about.  My parents had always mystified this process so I thought get her involved.  Have you ever seen a representation of complete apathy and resignation?  That is what the democratic process looks like in foal land.
I am currently engaged in a sort of background battle on the subject of Eddington.  Eddington is currently a virtual Labrador.  I am hoping soon to find the correct eigenvalues to make Eddington an actual Labrador.  Mrsinky is not happy at the prospect andd Foal is indignantly demanding hat SHE gets a dog.  The point though would be that Eddington was my dog.  My friend.  Who can see me through 4am.  We shall see.  Unfortunately Labradors do not grow on trees round here.  they grow in other Labradors.  Which makes it harder to find them.
I also spent a considerable amount of time queueing.  This means that my hips are aflame.  Ipswich post office queue was 45 minutes.  I went in on a beautiful summers day.  I came out to a rainstorm that made ipswich look like minas morgul.  Well more like it anyway.
paterfamilii still abound.

Cookies!!!!

So today was busy. First to opticians to try and sort contacts. Bloody things feel like wearing grit. Sadly I cannot easily tolerate glasses. It seems my brain sees them as an obstacle to look around not through.
Then much chasing around music lessons etc.
But Wednesdays are cooking days. Today I did coq au vin, a blackberry and apple cobbler and oatmeal raisin and apricot cookies.

Coq au vin

You need a coq
Bottle of red wine
Good streaky bacon I got mine from the Rose Yard Butchery . It came from a hairy pig. Yum.
An onion
A bouquet garni
Butter
Flour.

Chop the onion and matchstick the bacon. Fry in butter until the onion colours. Fry the quartered chicken lightly then arrange legs at the bittom, breast on top. Tip the wine over, add the herbs and simmer on a low heat for 2.5 hrs. Thicken with beurre manie. Adjust seasoning. It probably wont need much.

Cobbler...

You need 2 bramley apples, 8oz caster sugar, 2 big handfulls blackberries, 3oz butter, 8oz sr flour, milk
Peelcore and chop apples. Put in an ovenproof dish with the blackberries and 5oz sugar. Bake 180c for 20 mins while you make the cobbles.
Rub the butter into the flour. Add remaining sugar. Bring together into a loose dough with milk. Roll or pat out on a floured surface, to about 1.5 cm depth. Cut shapes out and drop onto the fruit mix. Cook for another 20 mins till obviously nummy.

Coookiiiieees

100g butter
150g caster sugar
1 egg
140 plain flour
0.5 tsp bicarbonate of soda
Breath of cinnamon
Vanilla essence
300g oats
100g raisins
100g chopped dried apricots

Oven 180c
Just cover fruit with boiling water. Leave to soak.
Cream fat and sugar,then beat in the egg. Add cinnamon and vanilla,  then flour. Then the oats. Add enough of the raisin water to make it a dough. Then add in the fruit. Put teaspoons on baking parchment and cook till golden

R

The storms are raging on the rollin’ sea And on the highway of regret

A morning spent alternating between caring for mrsinky and crying.

She cant understand how abhorrent to me her image of our future life is.  I hear eher talk about free access and lots of visits but that to me is...Well I know it is the norm for many many peoplle.  but to me it is a failure and a reproach.  It is not a family life it is a vile mockery of one.  Better nothing.

In other news I am due out tonight to have coffee with a human.  I am being a bit coy because I havent told them I blog yet.

This is SPock arranging things.
Emo spent the morning on the floor in the kitchen rocking in foetal curl.

I am thinking of indulging in mindless sexathon with any and all.  just something to numb the pain.  Its destrcutive behaviour.  But hell what is left to destroy?

...sharing a drink they call loneliness cos its better than drinking alone

I love that song. Time was I would busk it on the guitar. But its one of the ones like passengers let her go and phil collins against all odds that I find inexpressibly painful at the moment.
The problem is that everything is painful. I watched the end of LOTR and sam goes home to his family. But it seems I am Frodo. I put in all that work then get stuck on a ship with a bunch of ancient hippies and pushed off yhe edge of yhe world because I have outlived my usefulnesz.
Everywhere there are families. Fathers with young children. Babies. Lovers.
The ache inside me to be a father again is so deep. I feel I failed to be there for Foal or Mrsinky. Failed through trying to keep them happy. Failure is the only word I can see right now.
Just recently saw Monsters: The Dark Continent. I can recommend it though it is harrowing. Thr monsters are incidental. So many themes of family and the joy of fatherhood and tribe.
I have been dipping into lgbt chat sites to try and get a social life. Even a meetup for coffee would be good.
If you want dark dip in . ince you get rid of the idiots with cock on their mind the loneliness and loss is so awfull.
I see why I was closetted to everyone for so long. I should have held the door tighter closed. The freedom to be yourself is a weapon that cuts the user worse than any damage it does to others you gain a little peace and lose everything. If I was a dolphin i would just vlose my blowhole. Breathing is voluntary for them.

and another bit shatters

So today was rough.  Mrsinky away and so I was on foal duty again.  Foal was in a stroppy mood and it was rough.
But worse still was going to Band Camp.  It was full of Dads with multi kids, being all rugge and dependable andd part of a family.  I tried watching films on my tablet, I tried doing origami.  But my heart broke every time I looked up and comtemplated the depth of my failure.  I really am flapping around loose.  No anchor.
We went into town afterwards.  Bought a comic book each ( Guardians of the Galaxy omnibus for me.) I got a cookery book about bread.  Then on the way home got stuff for tea.
Mrsinky rang and I broke down in tears. I really am very depressed.  All the coping stuff is autopilot.
tried cooking therapy...

Homemade:
Crackling pork
Boston baked beans
(2 tins of cannelini beans, a knuckle of ham, one star anise, 4 cloves, 6 cracked coriander seeds, i tbs mustard, 4 tbs molasses.  cook 160 c 3 hrs.)
Butter toffee popcorn.(do popcorn.  heat 4 oz caster sugar in pan until it is golden brown liquid.  take off heat and stir in 2oz butter.  it foams like hell, keep it stirrred till it dies down a bt, then tip into popcorn.  stir.  tip popcorn out onto non stick paper, separate, cool.  nom)

Not Homemade: torturillas.  red cabbage sour cream dip.

Also bikkit:

heart shaped digestives
(3oz wholemeal flour, i oz plain flour, 1tsp baking soda, 1 oz oatmeal pinch of salt, 1tbs dark brown sugar 2oz butter, a little milk  oven 180c)
mix dry stuff, rub in the fat, add milk to bring together. knead on floured worktop.  roll out to 3 mm thick, cut into shape, bake on sheet 15mins till golden.

Chocolate chip splodges
(3oz plain flour, 1/2 tsp salt, 1/2 tsp baking powder, 4oz butter, 2oz caster sugar, 2oz brown sugar, 1 egg, 1/2tsp vanilla essence, 3 oz choc chips, oven 180c)
creeam butter and sugar, beat in egg and essence.  add rdy ingredientts and mix.  splodge teaspoons onto a tray, cook 10 mins till golden.  but they spread like b;ue buggery so space em out.

That was all fuel for a Lord of the Rings marathon.  Foal is loving it so far.  Am trying to explain it is the story of smeagol.  Or of Sam.  Frodo is just incidental.

It helps ease the pain for a while.  till I stop.  then it comes back.  and it hurts so badly.  I feel I am bleeding to death from the sorrow.  Is there Balm in Gilead?

Also today my joints were so bad I used a wheelchair in Tesco. I have been in so much pain.

Why can't you make decisions Can't make up your mind

I really do not understand what's going on.
MrsInky and I still live together, though officially separated.  I still see her everywhere, smell her, feel her round me.  But we are not "together".  Apparently.
But I am still doing all the support I used to.  She drove back the other night with no petrol, having forgotten her bank card.  So i went to the garage in my pyjamas to get a jerry-can (is that racist) and put it in her car, while she warmed up and watched Hollyoaks.
When she has a rough day I hug her (if she wants it- I have to ask and that alone is killing me) and make her something to eat.
Last night she asked me to help choose clothes for her work things this weekend.
She is trying to treat me like her gay room mate.  but I am not gay..  I am Bi.  She thinks I am gay, has never believed the Bi thing.  But I am not.
So seeing her half clad trying on clothes drives me insane with lust.  Then she packs it away.

I have other, more direct evidence that she still finds me attractive, that her body at least wouldnt mind a bit of Inky.

I just dont understand.  She values my sartorial opinions, values my support, finds me attractive...What the fuck is going on.

I am getting the strong urge to indulge in some very very self-destructive behaviour.  just mindless stuff to make this go away.

Be Aware, Be very aware...

So this morning sees the dawn of EDS awareness month when the zebras come out of the dappled shade and show off their stripes.
For those few readers who do not understand, a zebra is slang for a person with Ehlers Danlos Syndrome.  And if you do not know what that is...well nor do most doctors.  have a look at the link.
Also I see from my Big Brother panel that I have readers in India and Russia.  Hello!  Please feel free to pop a comment in just to say Hi.  I am really not sure what interests you here but thanks. Please note the name-that-dragon competition is still open.
Now looking for readers in Antarctica to complete the set.
Today my EDS decided to make itself aware.  I have fallen over twice due to left hip shennanigans.
I should say right out that as far as EDS goes I am dipping my feet in the shallow end.  I get subluxes but so far no frank dislocations, my subluxes often reduce spontaneously or at least easily...most of the true horror such as felt by my friend Percy (waves) is spared me so far...That said the condition is generally degenerative and there is no cure.  Consequently all I am doing is sticking my elbows out to slow my slide down the Helter Skelter.
So what does the light end of EDS feel like?
Well it hurts for a start.  Lets kick off at midnight- I will normally be asleep, having taken some form of meds to assist.  My shoulder will sublux around 1 am.  So I will be forced to roll over gently to stop the screaming pain, then turn onto the other shoulder.  Give that 3 hrs  and the same thing happens.  So I get a nights sleep in episodes of pain.
The alarm goes off and I need to get Foal to school.  I roll upright and concentrate on my legs.  My shoulders will normally pop back in once I am upright but the hips and knees- I use muscle tension to stand then walk like Herr Flick of the Gestapo, not using hips or knees, and wake foal.  Then I do a set of tensioning moves whilst holding the bannister to get hips tense enough to work.  Then I get dressed.  I used to have a shower at this point but it took too long and hurt too much so I now do it later at the gym.
Getting downstairs is scary.  I do it every day but it terrifies me and I never do it with Foal in front of me.  You see EDS means my knees and hips can and do give way randomly.  It feels like your leg is suddenly not there, the same feeling as when you walk up a staircase to the top then try to step on one stair too many, one that doesn't exist.  The body-shock that gives is the same.  If this happens I end up on the floor.
Downstairs I pootle around getting stuff ready.  Holding anything is very hard because grip pressure triggers pain in my finger joints.  Imagine everything you gripped being very hot.  You know, you can pick up hot things for a short time just fine, but then the pain builds up...?  that sort of thing.
Walking at this point is also tricky.  the muscles arent tense enough yet.  this is when I fell over this morning.
So once I have my cappucino and yoghurt sorted I sit and take my pills.  At the moment Indomethacin and Pregabalin.  The first was something of a revelation.  before taking it I was in a wheelchair.  Now, some days I look normal.  Pregabalin is a wierd one, which for me turns pain into itching or tickling.  any port in a storm.
Like many chronic pain patients if you asked me where it hurt I would think for a bit.  EDS comes with two levels of pain, the chronic and accute.  Accute is when a joint gives way and screams at you.  Think stubbing your toe x6, or being kicked very hard in the balls.  Chronic is there all the time.  At the moment my chronic pain joints are: left wrist, right elbow, right fingers, left ankle right knee, both hips both shoulders, thoracic spine.  They all hurt.  But I am adept at blocking them so it is only when I think about it that I notice.  Of course my body knows, and is exhausted by it.  That is why opiates are soooo goood.  When you take them you get immersed in a fluffy bath of  nopain.  I am currently opiate free, after years of being on them.  it was for complex reasons, including I thought it would save my marriage.  Ah well.  I am not averse to taking them again but I want to see how long I can exist without.
Throughout my day my phone goes off to remind me to take my drugs as they are not SR.  My phone is my pusher.
It takes around 30 mins for the drugs to kick in, so I have to cope with the pain al the way to Foals school.
My days vary.  I can do lots of things.  Some things hurt.  typing, for example is very painful to arm joints and spine.  But mainly it is transitions that hurt.  When i stop doing one thing and move.  This is because my joints have relaxed and moved into a position to accomodate one thing, when I ask them to change they realise they are not in their proper places...Never startle a zebra because if they cannot plan their motions they fall apart.
Just think about that for a minute.  Imagine that you MUST, MUST plan every movement.  No spontaneous moves, on pain of, well, pain.  How many times a day do you catch a falling object on reflex, or flinch, or duck, or sneeze, or come?  All of those can put you in hospital
At the end of the day I am exhausted from having to pay attention the whole time.  but the attention I have to pay keeps me awake.  So I start to relax...and then cannot get up because hip/shoulder etc.  Eventually I lever myself into bed.
Rinse
Repeat.
Now that is a good day.
Today is not good.  I have a very bad spine, hips unstable, elbows on fire, TM joint hurts.  It is all a bit shit frankly.
never mind.
Happy EDS awareness month.  Please tell people about it.  Maybe buy a cuddly Zebra.  Or offer sexual congress to one you may meet.