you don't know where you met me, you don't know why...

Well today was something of a bust.

First of all the psychologist rang and arranged to see me in a couple of weeks, not today.  He asked if there was anything he should know first...so I said read the blog.

So Hello Clarice.  Do you seek to dissect me with this blunt little tool....

Lord knows whether Clarice will bother to read the blog or not. My expectations are not great.  Pace Cathy but psychologists are the homeopaths of mental health.  they weave their elaborate placebos whilst nature takes its course.  And that is just the good ones.  The bad ones do a lot of harm.  The last one I encountered, at Luton, was a spiteful witch frankly. Tried to slap a BPD diagnosis on me because I objected to her using my first name without an introduction.  The one before that was wet as a herrings bathing costume.  And before that....well a team of them.  Inlcuding the stereotypical art therapist with pencils stuck in loose bun of hair and tie-dyed smock, the earth mother type complete with nursing babe and the one who thought he ran the place.  As Edmund once said, as effective as a catflap in an elephant house.

So why do I bother accessing these folk?  deadly combination of hope and nothing else available.  Same thing that makes people watch Jeremy Kyle.

Aside from that...I had plans this evening, which went tits up due to force majeure so i ended up going to the cinema on my own.  saw age of ultron, which was remarkably grown up though The Vision was borrowing so heavily from Dr Manhattan he nearly turned blue.

But after I left...the old sadness set in.  Rough.  All the things I am doing- they are just distractions.  Spock has been busy setting up stuff to do.  Emo is still rocking.

Something else that had me rocking was the physio this morning.  I mean ok, attractive etc.  but at one point the diagnostic tantric moves he had me doing triggered a bout of no 10 pain from shoulder.  He was flapping around saying do you want to sit down whilst i was just seing flashing lights and trying to remember how breathing went.  I didnt swear at the poor lad.

Later i went to the gym and worked out because I needed something to feel.  gym went well but then i swam...
My favourite stroke is a towing sidestroke- i used to do lifesaving back in the day.  Well as I was doing this...understand how it works, you use the lower arm to pull forawrds, the upper arm is the towing arm.  seeing as I was on my own it was floating.  Weeelll my body contracts as I stroke, a motion that would look like a side to side wave...as the left side contracted my floating ribs decided to pop the wrong side of my iliac crest.  Because I have a hypermobile lower spine and vertebrocostal joints. instant searing pain.  Then the muscles in my side spasm, wrenching my pec and shoulder, which rotates my shoulder and subluxes my elbow.  So now I am spasmed into a sideways curl, left arm not working, cant use left foot, cant lift head out of water.  floated vaguely to side and hung on.  slowly by degrees spasm eased but my god I was close to unconscious in the water.

Oh and my jaw hurts.

fckit