I know I have only written hike posts recently.
Simply put so much has been going on in my life, and I have been so far down, that talking about current events is beyond me.
So I will put a skeleton here.
Mrs Inky moved out
I had an operation to repair a previous error, during which they accidentally dislocated my shoulder
I found out you can never go home
Mrs Inky fired the first shot in a custody war, something I thought we would not do to each other.
I started counselling
Thats all she wrote.
With luck now I have written those down i will be able to come back and flesh them out.
RantingScienceZebra The rantings of a bitter, twisted, sometimes crippled and rather mad scientist
Showing posts with label Aspergers. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Aspergers. Show all posts
Wednesday, 11 November 2015
Friday, 16 October 2015
Leaves are brown, and the sky...
It has been a bad few days.
Last week I had a meeting with my IDT where we agreed that there was nothing they could do but play with the meds. The shrrink was also a bit blunt about the fact that my Aspergers is not remediable. Or almost certainly not.
The shrink and I then plotted what our next move would be , med-wise, which looks like thyroxine. So he asked for a thyroid test. I was going to the GP anyway because of my knee so added in a flu jab, an alteration to the med scheds and asked for a thyroid test. GP pointed out my thyroid function was being tested regularly, i had been boringly normal for 3 years and that had the shrink logged in properly he could see that.
So ho hum.
Anyway the reason for the search is that I am not stable. I hesitate to say i am bipolar. I think I am unipolar but brittle. The Bupropion has helped a bit at higher dose, i think. But I am getting lots of panic and depression at very short notice. Walking down a street the other day I was fine at the top, shaking and crying at the bottom. The shaking thing is an issue. I am getting marked tremor that comes on at times. I mentioned this to the shrink and he kindly suggested that as I had been having a gin and tonc at night as a hypnotic it was probably the D.T.s.
Cunt.
So I did a dry week, absolutely no difference except the normal, which is that sleep without hypnotics gives me nightmares. All night.
So a week of early waking for naught, although I did find out what the shakes were. They are an exaggerated form of fatigue tremor. They come on after I have used muscles for a bit. I think this may be a bupropion side effect.
Mrsinky has found a house to move to. Given that we had a blazing row, largely because my low mood coincided with her being cross, but my mood went so low I do not know how I stayed alive. Rang the emergency line for the first time in ages.
well we got through, and now she is moving out. this makes me very sad because i love her, but also relieved because we were making each other ill.
well it had to happen.
On the plus side I have managed to gym a couple of times. I started on some leg exercises and got back into doing deadlifts. I now remember why all the men I Know who are into deadlifts have such wonderful taut arses. God it works your glutes.
I also have done more bike lessons and continue to improve. I still need practice but its better. Today went out in the rain and got the coldest bollocks I have ever had. Jesus. Took me ages to thaw them out. Must get better protective clothing.
I am still stuck with the untreatable Aspergers thing. I went on a couple of dates that were so bad people bailed early. Was such a blow. I know I am Asperging them but cannot help it.
Arg.
Last week I had a meeting with my IDT where we agreed that there was nothing they could do but play with the meds. The shrrink was also a bit blunt about the fact that my Aspergers is not remediable. Or almost certainly not.
The shrink and I then plotted what our next move would be , med-wise, which looks like thyroxine. So he asked for a thyroid test. I was going to the GP anyway because of my knee so added in a flu jab, an alteration to the med scheds and asked for a thyroid test. GP pointed out my thyroid function was being tested regularly, i had been boringly normal for 3 years and that had the shrink logged in properly he could see that.
So ho hum.
Anyway the reason for the search is that I am not stable. I hesitate to say i am bipolar. I think I am unipolar but brittle. The Bupropion has helped a bit at higher dose, i think. But I am getting lots of panic and depression at very short notice. Walking down a street the other day I was fine at the top, shaking and crying at the bottom. The shaking thing is an issue. I am getting marked tremor that comes on at times. I mentioned this to the shrink and he kindly suggested that as I had been having a gin and tonc at night as a hypnotic it was probably the D.T.s.
Cunt.
So I did a dry week, absolutely no difference except the normal, which is that sleep without hypnotics gives me nightmares. All night.
So a week of early waking for naught, although I did find out what the shakes were. They are an exaggerated form of fatigue tremor. They come on after I have used muscles for a bit. I think this may be a bupropion side effect.
Mrsinky has found a house to move to. Given that we had a blazing row, largely because my low mood coincided with her being cross, but my mood went so low I do not know how I stayed alive. Rang the emergency line for the first time in ages.
well we got through, and now she is moving out. this makes me very sad because i love her, but also relieved because we were making each other ill.
well it had to happen.
On the plus side I have managed to gym a couple of times. I started on some leg exercises and got back into doing deadlifts. I now remember why all the men I Know who are into deadlifts have such wonderful taut arses. God it works your glutes.
I also have done more bike lessons and continue to improve. I still need practice but its better. Today went out in the rain and got the coldest bollocks I have ever had. Jesus. Took me ages to thaw them out. Must get better protective clothing.
I am still stuck with the untreatable Aspergers thing. I went on a couple of dates that were so bad people bailed early. Was such a blow. I know I am Asperging them but cannot help it.
Arg.
Wednesday, 14 October 2015
It may be time we talked about this
As you may be aware I have Aspergers, or at least that is my preliminary diagnosis. There is a lot written about Aspergers and I am not about to rehash it here. But there is something that is often overlooked.
This is mostly about adults with Aspergers, particularly those who were not diagnosed as children, a situation that often comes with depression as a comorbidity .
Half of us, this grouping, will struggle with suicidal thoughts.
Nearly a third will attempt suicide.
A third.
That is ten times the rate in Neurotypical adults. To put it in perspective that is the same kill rate as the Black Death.
Why?
You cannot come up with a single answer that fits everyone. But I suspect it is the normal Aspie tension. We cannot tolerate social interaction but we are desperately lonely. It's like being a drug addict allergic to drugs.
I have no answer as to what to do. I have had a week where my PSW and I parted company as we both agreed he could not help me, and my psychiatrist said much the same. I just have to live with it, apparently. It is up to others to adjust to me, apparently.
Yep. That works.
Friday, 3 July 2015
I see the (well lets face it, everything) go by, dressed in their summer clothes
OK so the content of this one has changed in the last 10 minutes due to a frankly bizarre exchange on Twitter.
First you need to understand my relationship with Twitter is rather like Waldorf and Stadtlers relationship with the muppets. I sit in my balcony and make smartalec remarks. Because. Sometimes I drop the odd thing in there to indicate my mood. But being me I am not going to come out and say it.
So this morning I put up a post saying this:
and this prompted a question from an entity known as Jenny G (@IwontEverWakeUp) as to if I was a bot.
So I said:
and then it went downhill. Jenny demanded to know why I had no avatar. Not relevant to bothood if you ask me as all the bots I have seen have avatars..
hoping the embed thing works....
Anyway a bit nonplussed. easy explanation is that Jenny was a bot working for skynets facial recognition software.
but this is not the first time people have asked for an avatar picture, or for a picture of my face. Why is this? I really struggle. I mean we all know that he pictures on avatars are mainly not of the people involved, or are idealised a tad. they give, in short, no useful information. I had assumed the avatar was there to allow illiterate people to identify the tweeter, but as the tweets i give are mainly text that wouldnt help.
In short why do people want pictures there? What does it add? I for one would vote to have the avatars removed from twitter completely as the useless spam they are.
First you need to understand my relationship with Twitter is rather like Waldorf and Stadtlers relationship with the muppets. I sit in my balcony and make smartalec remarks. Because. Sometimes I drop the odd thing in there to indicate my mood. But being me I am not going to come out and say it.
So this morning I put up a post saying this:
Very very very dark grey
— Inky Thehorse (@inky_r) July 3, 2015
and this prompted a question from an entity known as Jenny G (@IwontEverWakeUp) as to if I was a bot.
So I said:
@IwontEverWakeUp problem: were I a bot would be programmed to respond no to are you a bot. So how can you tell? Take that turing.
— Inky Thehorse (@inky_r) July 3, 2015
and then it went downhill. Jenny demanded to know why I had no avatar. Not relevant to bothood if you ask me as all the bots I have seen have avatars..
@IwontEverWakeUp 1) clear batman reference. 2) what would you like me to replace the icon with? I do not put pictures of self on line...
— Inky Thehorse (@inky_r) July 3, 2015
@IwontEverWakeUp why would I make myself identifiable so readily? what would I gain from sharing that information? I maintain a..
— Inky Thehorse (@inky_r) July 3, 2015
@IwontEverWakeUp ...facebook account simply to take pictures and references to me down from facebook. Have never had author photo etc. etc.
— Inky Thehorse (@inky_r) July 3, 2015
@IwontEverWakeUp but to get back to this...what is more important, whether I am a bot or your insane desire to see my face? not worth it btw
— Inky Thehorse (@inky_r) July 3, 2015
@IwontEverWakeUp then what is the problem?
— Inky Thehorse (@inky_r) July 3, 2015
@IwontEverWakeUp oh deary me
— Inky Thehorse (@inky_r) July 3, 2015
Yep. Assume Jenny was a bot trying to get me to add a photo for skynet reasons. have reported her https://t.co/emSnQxbyRU
— Inky Thehorse (@inky_r) July 3, 2015
hoping the embed thing works....
Anyway a bit nonplussed. easy explanation is that Jenny was a bot working for skynets facial recognition software.
but this is not the first time people have asked for an avatar picture, or for a picture of my face. Why is this? I really struggle. I mean we all know that he pictures on avatars are mainly not of the people involved, or are idealised a tad. they give, in short, no useful information. I had assumed the avatar was there to allow illiterate people to identify the tweeter, but as the tweets i give are mainly text that wouldnt help.
In short why do people want pictures there? What does it add? I for one would vote to have the avatars removed from twitter completely as the useless spam they are.
Monday, 29 June 2015
It's a beautiful warm summer's day...
Not a song lyric this time. Its from Sapphire and Steel, the one with the railway station. One of my favourites and one of the best TV drama series ever. IMHO. Also Lumley.
I am still stuck in a bit of a quagmire but trying to push my way through piece by piece. I have a nasty throat infection going on, and cannot get through to the doctors. Speaking of which here is a vignette which gives an idea of my current situation wrt MH services here.
So at the moment I have a preliminary diagnosis of Asperger's-like syndrome with PD. The psychiatrist, who from the start acted more like the scarecrow from the wizard of oz ( you could go this way, or you could go that way....) said she wasnt going to diagnose it, i needed a psychologist. She then gave me a list of psychologists she had heard of and suggested I contact them.
I tried, but most of them were not taking patients, and certainly not that way. So i asked her for additional help. Not much occurred there so after trying again I asked my GP what to do. he said he could refer direct to Adult Services (not as fun as it sounds) and so he did. But because I am on the books at the MH team the request bounced straight back to them, and they said I should sort it myself because paperwork and it takes too long.
So even a diagnosis is denied me by Dr Fuckwit and her stooges.
If I wasn't suicidal before I went, I am now, The lesson here is that there is no help. This is as good as I will ever feel. I just have to decide if I can put up with that. I suspect the answer is no.
I am still stuck in a bit of a quagmire but trying to push my way through piece by piece. I have a nasty throat infection going on, and cannot get through to the doctors. Speaking of which here is a vignette which gives an idea of my current situation wrt MH services here.
So at the moment I have a preliminary diagnosis of Asperger's-like syndrome with PD. The psychiatrist, who from the start acted more like the scarecrow from the wizard of oz ( you could go this way, or you could go that way....) said she wasnt going to diagnose it, i needed a psychologist. She then gave me a list of psychologists she had heard of and suggested I contact them.
I tried, but most of them were not taking patients, and certainly not that way. So i asked her for additional help. Not much occurred there so after trying again I asked my GP what to do. he said he could refer direct to Adult Services (not as fun as it sounds) and so he did. But because I am on the books at the MH team the request bounced straight back to them, and they said I should sort it myself because paperwork and it takes too long.
So even a diagnosis is denied me by Dr Fuckwit and her stooges.
If I wasn't suicidal before I went, I am now, The lesson here is that there is no help. This is as good as I will ever feel. I just have to decide if I can put up with that. I suspect the answer is no.
Sunday, 28 June 2015
Tight as a tourniquet, dry as a funeral drum
I am aware I haven't posted very much recently. That is because I have been having a bad few days.
There is an episode of MASH where Hawkeye is the only surgeon left who hasn't got flu. he carries on alone just long enough for the others to recover. Then he keels over.
It has felt a bit like that. It isn't an exact parallel because of course everyone has carried on around me as normal. But in real life I have been feeling more and more distant and withdrawn from everyone around. I haven't been able to answer the phone for several days. I can call out on my own terms. But incoming callers are traumatic. Today I managed a couple but I knew who they were.
The situation with my psychiatrist is as before. I have had an appointment come through to talk to the practice manager again. But that is it. As it was the managers refusal to grant my request that my former psychiatrist be excluded from my case left me totally without support before fathers day, when I needed it most. I could not talk to them under those circumstances.
I have no care, no medication, no counselling, no nothing. Just conflict.
My mood has been very very bad. I have been functioning, mainly. But carrying a level of deep deep despair. I spent 3 days last week totally on the couch.
Date has been unreachable and I suspect is not a goer. Though that may be a solution not a problem.
The trauma reached its zenith on Friday which was Foal's sports day. Foal is not sporty, and is traumatised by this. They have been training them to do a long distance run for weeks and Foal was begging me to let her go off sick to avoid it. I rang the school to find it was a fun run, not compulsory. 3 weeks of pointless trauma. I stand by my opinion tht competitive sport is utterly corrosive and has no place in PE lessons. After school if you must. PE should teach fitness, not conflict.
Because to me, possibly because of Aspieness, there is no difference between competitiveness and conflict.
I remember sports days. oh yes, Given I was abused by my Primary School headmaster (psychologically) because I was not 'trying' to catch a ball or run, then was forced to be humiliated in front of everyone I knew and their parents whilst he commented on a loudhailer....yes I remember them. Should be banned.
So I was in trauma before it started. I sat crying in the car for 40 mins before I could go in. Then I got there, and saw that foals lot started an hour in. So I took a seat, hunched my shoulders in, got out my Kindle, put sunglasses on and read. Short of barbed wire I could not have signalled my unwillingness to engage socially more obviously. And yet 3 people tried to chat to me. I may have been rude. Not Fawlty rude but unresponsive apart from grunts. One was offended I think but, really, I think it was fair enough.
So I am sitting there surrounded by baying wolves. the parents shouting at their kids to win win win...it was utterly horrible. Like finding out everyone around you is a murderer. I withdraw from competition completely. I cannott do it. Either people are happy with what I say or they arent. So this environment was completely harrowing and toxic. I never want to see anything like it again.
Foal did her best. Its all I can say. Next year I will ensure she wont be attending. Ritualised child abuse.
Foal also had a band camp concert on saturday so that was more torment. Not foals bit, the conversation of the non-vaccinating, alkaline diet, woo worshipping thickshit mummies and daddies waiting outside.
Anyway, highpoints? Saw Minions. it has very good bits.
There is an episode of MASH where Hawkeye is the only surgeon left who hasn't got flu. he carries on alone just long enough for the others to recover. Then he keels over.
It has felt a bit like that. It isn't an exact parallel because of course everyone has carried on around me as normal. But in real life I have been feeling more and more distant and withdrawn from everyone around. I haven't been able to answer the phone for several days. I can call out on my own terms. But incoming callers are traumatic. Today I managed a couple but I knew who they were.
The situation with my psychiatrist is as before. I have had an appointment come through to talk to the practice manager again. But that is it. As it was the managers refusal to grant my request that my former psychiatrist be excluded from my case left me totally without support before fathers day, when I needed it most. I could not talk to them under those circumstances.
I have no care, no medication, no counselling, no nothing. Just conflict.
My mood has been very very bad. I have been functioning, mainly. But carrying a level of deep deep despair. I spent 3 days last week totally on the couch.
Date has been unreachable and I suspect is not a goer. Though that may be a solution not a problem.
The trauma reached its zenith on Friday which was Foal's sports day. Foal is not sporty, and is traumatised by this. They have been training them to do a long distance run for weeks and Foal was begging me to let her go off sick to avoid it. I rang the school to find it was a fun run, not compulsory. 3 weeks of pointless trauma. I stand by my opinion tht competitive sport is utterly corrosive and has no place in PE lessons. After school if you must. PE should teach fitness, not conflict.
Because to me, possibly because of Aspieness, there is no difference between competitiveness and conflict.
I remember sports days. oh yes, Given I was abused by my Primary School headmaster (psychologically) because I was not 'trying' to catch a ball or run, then was forced to be humiliated in front of everyone I knew and their parents whilst he commented on a loudhailer....yes I remember them. Should be banned.
So I was in trauma before it started. I sat crying in the car for 40 mins before I could go in. Then I got there, and saw that foals lot started an hour in. So I took a seat, hunched my shoulders in, got out my Kindle, put sunglasses on and read. Short of barbed wire I could not have signalled my unwillingness to engage socially more obviously. And yet 3 people tried to chat to me. I may have been rude. Not Fawlty rude but unresponsive apart from grunts. One was offended I think but, really, I think it was fair enough.
So I am sitting there surrounded by baying wolves. the parents shouting at their kids to win win win...it was utterly horrible. Like finding out everyone around you is a murderer. I withdraw from competition completely. I cannott do it. Either people are happy with what I say or they arent. So this environment was completely harrowing and toxic. I never want to see anything like it again.
Foal did her best. Its all I can say. Next year I will ensure she wont be attending. Ritualised child abuse.
Foal also had a band camp concert on saturday so that was more torment. Not foals bit, the conversation of the non-vaccinating, alkaline diet, woo worshipping thickshit mummies and daddies waiting outside.
Anyway, highpoints? Saw Minions. it has very good bits.
Monday, 22 June 2015
I win the gene pool lottery
So today I was tweeting with Carl Zimmer about imagination. This brought up something of a shock for me. You know when people talk about picturing things in their heads? The minds eye?
Turns out they actually see the pictures.
I had assumed all my life that this was a metaphor. I have never been able to conjure images in my head. I have an excellent relational memory but not a visual one. If i need to picture something I draw it. I am famous for my whiteboard use.
Seems this is a condition known as aphantasia. And it is relatively uncommon. estimated as 2%.
So OK lets review the Inky lottery. The following are estimates of the occurence frequencies of what I have. the Ehlers Danlos one is actually a high estimate. many references state it as 5 to 10 times less common.
Aphantasia ~2%
Ehlers Danlos 0.1%
Aspergers 0.29%
now I am not captain probability but i think to get the likelihood of having all those, assuming they are independent, you multiply them. That means a probability of 1 in 17 000 000 000 or so.
Winning Lotto is around 1000 times more likely at 1 in 14 000 000
the odds of being killed by a meteorite strike is 1 in 700 000
given there are around 6 000 000 000 people on the planet and at least one of them has had sex with Joanna Lumley I was more likely to get me some Purdey than all of this shit.
this is seriously looking like a personal grudge not random chance.
Turns out they actually see the pictures.
I had assumed all my life that this was a metaphor. I have never been able to conjure images in my head. I have an excellent relational memory but not a visual one. If i need to picture something I draw it. I am famous for my whiteboard use.
Seems this is a condition known as aphantasia. And it is relatively uncommon. estimated as 2%.
So OK lets review the Inky lottery. The following are estimates of the occurence frequencies of what I have. the Ehlers Danlos one is actually a high estimate. many references state it as 5 to 10 times less common.
Aphantasia ~2%
Ehlers Danlos 0.1%
Aspergers 0.29%
now I am not captain probability but i think to get the likelihood of having all those, assuming they are independent, you multiply them. That means a probability of 1 in 17 000 000 000 or so.
Winning Lotto is around 1000 times more likely at 1 in 14 000 000
the odds of being killed by a meteorite strike is 1 in 700 000
given there are around 6 000 000 000 people on the planet and at least one of them has had sex with Joanna Lumley I was more likely to get me some Purdey than all of this shit.
this is seriously looking like a personal grudge not random chance.
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