A balloon and a bottle of whiskey

So today is my birthday.
It's also the birthday of the Princess Royal, Napoleon, Lawrence of Arabia and it's the official death day of the Virgin Mary. Honest. Catholic feast of the Assumption.
I'm still feeling shitty. Had counselling earlier which stirred up a lot of stuff. Then went over to spend time with foal. Which made me realise the gaping wound in my heart when she isn't there. Sparrow I'm the mead hall again.
But anyway today I tried to do a Thing.
My parents gave me some Birthday Money. Instead of using it to buy essentials like say a good Islay single malt ( anyone willing to send me a bottle of Bowmore or Caol Isla please get in touch  😊) I thought maybe Sparkly would lure me from the couch nest.
So using the power of Amazon I ordered Sparkly.
Behold.

This particular Sparkly is an automated pressure cooker/ rice cooker / slow cooker that you just plug in.
He is now called Duke Nukem.

So I cooked with him because Sparkly must be tested. It's the law.

So the following is my recipe for Cajun Style Lamb Shank.
Yes I know it should probably be alligator.  But I live in Suffolk. Very few alligators and there's not enough meat on a common sand lizard.

Ingredients

2 lamb shanks
One onion (chopped)
12 mushrooms (sliced)
12 baby corn cobs (snapped to bite size
1 cup of black beans (dried or canned. If canned wash off the goo. If dried I soak by pouring boiling water on from the kettle then leaving it for 20 min.  You can use them without soaking but I think it's a better texture if soaked)
1oz dried wild mushrooms ( yes ounce. Come to peace with it.)
1 cup Arborio rice
5 tbs Black Treacle ( molasses to our American cousins in the colonies)
3 inches of fresh ginger (yes inches. Live with it)
2 cloves of garlic.
I tsp celery seed
2 tsp black peppercorns
2tsp coriander seed
2 tbs smoked paprika
3 tbs sweet paprika
1 star of star anise
1 tsp salt
1 cup tomato juice
3 tbs tomato puree
500ml vegetable stock.
A little olive oil to fry.

Method

Grind all the dry spices and salt to a file powder then clean out mortar and set aside. Peel ginger using a teaspoon handle (trust mu the skin is very easy to scrape of) and peel garlic by crushing with a knife edge (again trust me. Push down till you hear a pop. The skin just slides off.). Grind garlic and ginger together to form a paste. If it's taking too long add a little sugar it draws out the liquid.
OK here we go.
Heat a pan and add olive oil. When it's hot brown the shanks all round then put on a plate. When cool is rub all over with dry spice mix then set aside.
Add onion to the hot pan. When onion is translucent add fresh mushrooms and cook down to get all the liquid out of it. Then add the garlic and ginger. Cook for 2 minutes then stir in the dry spice mix and remove from heat. Tip this into your pressure cooker. (If using a casserole dish you need an oven at 140°C and the cooking time is 4 hrs. Keep an eye on the liquid.)
Transfer the lamb shanks onto the onion bed. Add the rice and beans and dried mushrooms and corn to the pressure cooker.(If you can find some you can add some okra too. It adds a lot to the sauce.)
Heat the pan you fried things in up and tip in the stock. Make sure you scrape the bottom to get all the flavour off. Stir in the treacle and the tomato puree and tomato juice. Mix well.
Tip into the pressure cooker.
Heat it up and cook under pressure for 45 minutes.
It's really yummy. Look.

So yes Sparkly got me off the sofa briefly.
Duke is lovely
Doubt it will last.
You never know.
Anhedonia and isolation and apathy are crippling.
Oh and I fainted and injured my left glenohumeral the other day. I'm strongly suspecting it's an unreduced subluxation. It feels funny.
Dysautonomia caused it.
Idiopathic bradycardia when I'm sleepy. Not enough blood to run brain.
But it should feel better by now. I've got limited usage still.
Time will tell.

Try the lamb. It's really yummy.

this space intentionally blank

I know I have only written hike posts recently.
Simply put so much has been going on in my life, and I have been so far down, that talking about current events is beyond me.
So I will put a skeleton here.
Mrs Inky moved out
I had an operation to repair a previous error, during which they accidentally dislocated my shoulder
I found out you can never go home
Mrs Inky fired the first shot in a custody war, something I thought we would not do to each other.
I started counselling
Thats all she wrote.
With luck now I have written those down i will be able to come back and flesh them out.

I'm living in a powder keg and throwing off sparks..

.S So anyway life goes on . It seems we cannot stop it.
this la st week has been a bugger by any Standard and I for onewant it to stop. Observnrt readers will know that Mrslnky Moved out on Saturday thereby putting an end to the horrid infighting. But as you in the real world know this means a lot of expense and a lot of emotion.
To be honest I an not feeling this yetbecause there is so much to do. Spock is having a great time working out the logical place to put paprika and where George would look best. George has been iIl so l hope the change will do him good. God knows what will happen when I run out of jobs to do.
Anyway that was the end of the week,  started with me at a conference and shaking like a leaf because Boss was there. In the end he literally ran from the room to avoid me. l was so upset by this it did not let  me enjoy  the rest of the conference. So then I got train and taxi home. Next day I was meant to be doing my Bike Theory test. No wallet.. No licence. Arg!
The test people would not let me do it without so that Was money downthe drain. I have rebooked for the 12th.
So then 1 start cancelling cards. When the taxi driver turns up with my wallet.
Big sigh of relief.
then I had food poisoning for a 2 day vomit fest.
Anyway the process of moving Mrslnky out has been trying on many levels. Only now does she realise the cost of this process. What I and she had lost.
So roll on surgery

Leaves are brown, and the sky...

It has been a bad few days.
Last week I had a meeting with my IDT where we agreed that there was nothing they could do but play with the meds.  The shrrink was also a bit blunt about the fact that my Aspergers is not remediable. Or almost certainly not.
The shrink and I then plotted what our next move would be , med-wise, which looks like thyroxine.  So he asked for a thyroid test.  I was going to the GP anyway because of my knee so added in a flu jab, an alteration to the med scheds and asked for a thyroid test.  GP pointed out my thyroid function was being tested regularly, i had been boringly normal for 3 years and that had the shrink logged in properly he could see that.
So ho hum.
Anyway the reason for the search is that I am not stable.  I hesitate to say i am bipolar.  I think I am unipolar but brittle.  The Bupropion has helped a bit at higher dose, i think.  But I am getting lots of panic and depression at very short notice.  Walking down a street the other day I was fine at the top, shaking and crying at the bottom.  The shaking thing is an issue.  I am getting marked tremor that comes on at times.  I mentioned this to the shrink and he kindly suggested that as I had been having a gin and tonc at night as a hypnotic it was probably the D.T.s.
Cunt.
So I did a dry week, absolutely no difference except the normal, which is that sleep without hypnotics gives me nightmares.  All night.
So a week of early waking for naught, although I did find out what the shakes were.  They are an exaggerated form of fatigue tremor.  They come on after I have used muscles for a bit.  I think this may be a bupropion side effect.
Mrsinky has found a house to move to.  Given that we had a blazing row, largely because my low mood coincided with her being cross, but my mood went so low I do not know how I stayed alive.  Rang the emergency line for the first time in ages.
well we got through, and now she is moving out.  this makes me very sad because i love her, but also relieved because we were making each other ill.
well it had to happen.
On the plus side I have managed to gym a couple of times.  I started on some leg exercises and got back into doing deadlifts.  I now remember why all the men I Know who are into deadlifts have such wonderful taut arses.  God it works your glutes.
I also have done more bike lessons and continue to improve.  I still need practice but its better.  Today went out in the rain and got the coldest bollocks I have ever had.  Jesus. Took me ages to thaw them out.  Must get better protective clothing.
I am still stuck with the untreatable Aspergers thing.  I went on a couple of dates that were so bad people bailed early.  Was such a blow.  I know I am Asperging them but cannot help it.
Arg.

The road goes ever, ever on

Much has happened since I last filled in one of these.  And in fact my last post abut chutney should have given a clue about my emotional state. When I am upset I cook.
So I suppose I should fill in a bit more background not just dangle that in front of you.  But since we last spoke I have made not just the runner bean chutney

but also plum jam

greengage and cherry jam

and another chutney that we decided to call roger.  Roger is a red tomato and ginger chutney that is so popular it disappears almost instantly.  I may post the recipe for Roger at some point but as with all Inky cooking its a bit  chuck it in and see.

The holiday with Foal was a massive strain.  I hope she enjoyed it, but it really was tough to get through.  After I came back...well stress stress stress.

A lot of this is caused by my Apsergers tendencies.  I still haven't had a full diagnosis yet but the more I read about it and the more Aspies I talk to, the more it fits. So I am almost certainly on the spectrum somewhere , though it may be PDD NOS.  Which means Murmur was right.  Murmur is a sometime commenter on here who comes from another e-place.  I always think of him as a badger in an old fashioned nurses uniform.  For some reason this upsets him.

Mrsinky and I had argued before I went because I chose the wrong time to have a conversation.  To my Aspie brain it went: this is a conversation we must have, this is the last time we can have it before holidays so we should have it.

The fact it was her first day in a new job, she had toothache and whiplash and a bunch of other stuff going on didn't enter my brain as relevant because that was just emotional stuff. This blog post says quite well how my brain works.  I automatically suppress emotions, and regard any emotional decision as suspect if not de facto wrong.  I respond to people in distress by trying to help them rather than comfort them. See here for why.  This isn't a choice, I genuinely do not know what people want if not help.

It is worse than that of course.  I find expressions of emotions in other people at best troubling.  I literally do not speak that language.  So when  friend tells me that they love me (platonic) I have no idea what to do.  I have the same problem with my parents and siblings.  Their expressions of affection have puzzled and bothered me for a long time.  I have just about worked out what to do when being hugged ( I have a strong dislike of invasions of personal space of any kind, and hate anyone touching me unless we are shagging.  I am hypersensitive to some touches and textures.  Get me to furnish a house and it would be chrome, marble, gloss paint and glass) but find the myriad verbal expressions of emotion...well what are you supposed to say?  How are you supposed to act?  You end up running down a horrible decision tree of responses trying to work out which one will not hurt their feelings or sound weird or whatever.  And that is positive emotion.

Negative emotion is worse.  I had a primary school headmaster whose facial expression, to me, looked like a smile when he was angry.  This led to me being slippered at least once because I misread it.  When someone shouts at me I sit there and take it silently, unless I really need to defend a position.  I respond that way to challenge. I do not enter into competition...in planning meetings or research I give my opinion.  If someone disagrees with it I leave it up to them.  When they find out they are wrong they will be back.  But I won't fight for it.  It is there, take it or leave it.

On the whole I dislike many TV dramas etc. because they insist on focussing on peoples relationships and feelings rather than the plot.  Once you fast forward past these the program becomes quite short.  It is easier if it is well written or funny, so I could watch Buffy in full, as the writing was good.  Except for the bits where she was moping or Angel was brooding, because who cares.  Similarly I think Lois and Clark ruined superman because it became about them having a relationship rather than anything interesting.  But brooding drama...it has to be really really good before I can stand it.

Musicals used to frighten me as a child.  You would have people talking and acting normal then all of a sudden they would start singing and dancing.  It was like they had caught a disease or something.

I could never watch Eastender's or many other soaps.  To me they are all about shouting and anger, and they make me uncomfortable and anxious.  Anger and sadness in others is the worst.  this actually hurts.  It is a mental pain that will not stop until the source of distress is dealt with.  And it is not just one hammer blow it is a constant mounting pain.  The longer I spend with someone showing negative emotion without being able to help them, the more it hurts.  This is why my response to a crying MrsInky is always an offer to help sort out the problem.  What she actually wants tends to be sympathy, but as in the link above I don't know how to do that.  She finds me trying to sort out the problem irritating.  But the thing then is that I have a person in front of me who seems to want to torture me.  They are causing me real distress by radiating negative emotion, and refusing to let me help it stop, which is the only relief from pain I can get.  To my brain telling someone abut a problem without letting them help is cruel.  You are making them miserable as well.

Aspies are known for meltdowns, and yes I show this too.  Negative emotional stimuli like the above are cumulative.  So stress builds.  You can relieve it by doing something, work or a workout or whatever.  But it builds up.  If you then go into an argument or an emotional situation this can overspill.  You meltdown.  This can take many forms.  With me the first thing is a desire to run.  I have to get out of the situation, away from the stimulus.  I go into a room and shut the door away from whoever it is I am talking to,  Of course this sometimes makes them want to follow you to continue the conversation/argument/interaction.  I have been known to end up sitting in a room with my back against the door with other people shouting through it. Sometimes all they are trying to do s see if I am OK but my brain cannot process this and just needs them to stop emoting at me.

Seriously people your emotions are deafening.  Please turn down the volume.

If the stimulus keeps up I will end up self harming in a non premeditated way.  This might be trying to break my hand bones by punching a wall, hitting myself on the head with a rock, trying to stab myself.  Whatever. It is always, always directed inwards at me.  I want the pain, or indeed death to make the emotions stop.

If you know an aspie of course you may want to help them in a meltdown, but seriously what they almost certainly need is an absence of human stimulus.  person dependent, of course.  Ask them.  But I am betting that's what they need.

Now at the moment I have got so much stress on my plate that a meltdown is always about a minute away.  And because I am depressed that takes a different form, like hysterical weeping or suicidal ideation so loud I have to turn  up the ipod to max to drown it out.  The only thing that helps is getting Spock to find something to do.  Do jobs.  Focus focus focus.  Repress.  That is fine until someone asks me how I am, for example.  Or there is a trigger like the final scene in When Harry Met Sally (one of my favourite films.  I think I can never watch it again).  

Anyhoo, am still taking Bupropion.  Annoying Psych doubled the dose because no effect.  I am not sure now what it is doing.  the dose is split morning and evening and frankly I think it is stopping me from sleeping.  I certainly need chemical assistance to do so.  As for effect I am having crisis after crisis.  I am arranging jobs.

On Tuesday I attempt my CBT for motorbike which I am hoping I will pass.  Brrrm.

I am also planning an attempt on the Cape Wrath Trail.  I decided on this pretty recently, and I have therefore imposed on MrsInky by leaving the childcare etc. to her for 3 weeks.  I feel bad about this.

I do not know if I will be able to do it all.  I am in remission at the moment but my joints are susceptible to damage.  And I am wrong in the head.  And that trail is ROUGH.

But it has things I need.  A challenge to make me feel like a man (horse) again.  I have had all the trappings of manhood stripped from me.  It has space and mountains, which I miss very much.  It has a lack of people, which I feel I need right now.  And it has mortification of the flesh, which might sort out my head.  And given the vagaries of my EDS carpe diem, it may be my last shot.

As I say I may drop out early.  I know many people do and there is no shame.  But lets see.

they sit at the bar and put bread in my jar

More boredom I suppose.
well not all dull.  I am following the Hunter crash with sorrow and interest.  I understand the ban on vintage aerobatics but it saddens me.  Some of those planes are simply lovely, and the Hunter was arguably one of the most beautiful of the lot.  Only the Lightning came close.
Similarly this caught my eye.  One of my main things has always been a trick memory.  This is suffering now due to mental illness and meds, but it grabs hold of things and holds on.  Amongst these things was the fact that Romans would commit suicide or even execute people by going into a sealed room with a charcoal stove.  It was well known.  Not any more.
One salmon of doubt though is the cool to the touch thing.
I don't want to doubt the dude but the C-->CO reaction is very exothermic, in fact drives blast furnaces.  So it must still have been smouldering, though perhaps in the middle of the coals so invisibly.  Heres a tip guys, put water on it.
Now on to me.
I have been on the couch.
Not as in psychiatrist, I mean I have been on the couch since Saturday evening.  Fear of people. Fear of me. Depression. Substance abuse.  My libido has turned off.  For me that is unheard of.
The nights have been drugged sleep (yay zopiclone) and not very restful.
Foal has been off with mrsinky.  Until this afternoon I hadn't seen a human at all.
This afternoon I was supposed to get a 24 hr ecg fitted.  I went to the appointment.  It was hell.
I sat in the waiting room, which had people in it.  I was in a corner and the noise of the people kept getting louder and louder and closer and closer.  and harsher.  It was mush harsher.  Like the noise made by gannets.
I curled down into my seat.  Normally I would do origami to distract myself but my hands were shaking too much.  I couldnt read my knidle because my hands were shaking too much.  So I sat there, curled into a small fetal pose, in the corner crying.  for 40 minutes of waiting time until the ecg fitting nurse called me.
I know what I looked like because I could see myself in the mirror.  White as a sheet, black circles round eyes, tears and snot running down face, stumbling, eyes down.
Nurse didn't comment and just asked cheerily if I could verify my name and was it an ecg.
I stammered out that I didn't think it was worth it, because the state I was in they wouldn't get a normal baseline.  I said I was a MH patient and was having a crisis.  I broke down into hysterical weeping.
She said did I want it or not.
Then she sid should she ask my GP?
I sort of nodded.
She left for 10 mins, then came back.  Said the GP had said reschedule.  And thanks, and goodbye.
That was it.
So, still in crisis, weeping uncontrollably, I shuffled out to my car.
I sent a text to mrsinky expressing my love for her and foal, then worked out that the seatbelt on my car could be extended through the top of the door enough to get a loop around my neck.  a simple loop, then just sit down.  Easy.
I was still waiting for a quiet time in the car park with nobody around when mrsinky called me.  I cried a bit at her.  She told me to go home, get food and reminded me that Sheldon needed cat crunchies.
So unable to let a cat go hungry because of self immolation I went to the convenience shop.
Moral....IAMS saves lives.  Temporarily.

Just think something witty into this space.

I wish that I could write about more interesting things.
For instance a man died today in a Hawker Hunter, a plane my father flew, doing a stunt my dad used to do.  Tragically he also killed others in this appalling accident.  I wish I could write about that or how it made me feel.
I wish I could write of my pride in my friend Percy, who passed his CBT today.
I wish I could write of my indignation at Middle East conflict being held up as good for air pollution.
I wish I could write good interesting things like those.
But I cannot.  Because today has been a rollercoaster up and down.  But mainly down.  I am sitting here crying and wishing I would just die.  Literature is full of people who just pine away.  Why not me?
Mrsinky and foal are out tonight, at her boyfriends.  I shouldn't care.  Of course I do.
It has been rough going all day, but I have crashed spectacularly just recently.  I honestly do not know what to do with myself.

When I was younger so much younger than today

Tough one this.
I am in the town which was the closest to my house growing up. It is a tourist dive but it always was.  I am nursing a coffee and thinking.
My life here was an unmitigated nightmare. The sort of thing you write books about. I am still looking over my shoulder for the people who bullied me here.
But the place is familiar and is better than what awaits me at home.
I am depressed and anxious and really do not want to go back.
This holiday has exhausted me. Acting normal so much for so long is such a strain. I can cry in the shower but that's it.
Ah well. So it goes...

This space intentionally gloomy

I have not posted in a while because I have had a lot of distractions. It has been my time to take Foal on Holiday.  As ever this was a cobbled together thing from the start.  I have been too ill to contemplate booking something and so have ended up at my parents place in Somerset.
There are lots of things to do here.  We have visited Glastonbury, and Bath (the Roman baths), had a day on Lilstock beach and spent a night camping under the stars.

And indeed during this time I have had some lovely times with Foal. She has had her moments of grim, to be sure.  She is on the edge of adolescence and that's tricky for everyone.  But there have been some bits that are lovely.  So this impromptu holiday is working out ok.
So on the whole I should be relaxing and enjoying life.
But... you knew there was a but, right?
I have now been taking Bupropion for rather a longish time, nearly 4 weeks.  To be fair it hasn't had any noticeable side effects.  But it hasn't actually had any other effects either.  I have been depressed.
 Well that is a bit of an understatement.  Day 3 here was Lilstock.  Went with my brothers family, (SIL, Nephew, Niece, Nieces BF, brother), had beach BBQ.  Went exploring the old ruins at Lilstock.

Even sunbathed a bit. SIL being shocked at Oliver the Dragon Tattoo, and tactfully asking if it was a drunken bet. (means nothing by it.  raised by wolves)
My brother was there with his family.  His happy, normal family.  His complete, happy, normal family.
I wanted to die.
I am so convinced that this is the last time I will see foal in this way.  I am also not over the loss of my dream.  My dream was sitting by the fire in a family home, with my wife and children around me.  It was a small dream, but it was mine.  And it is dead.
And so am I.
Dead inside, just waiting for this to stop.
Day before yesterday my shoulder came out in a fairly decisive way.  I cannot support the weight of my arm on it for long.  I am walking around with a sling to rest it a bit. But of course this is putting  strain on my back.  The pain in various places is very strong.
Last night I slept in a tent with Foal, because she wanted to.  It was on her list for this holiday.  Of course that did my joints no good at all.  But actually it was the dreams.  I dreamt that I was losing my job.  I was in the bosses office pleading to keep it, arguing about what I did for him.  But then he sacked me.
It was a nightmare.  I woke drenched in sweat, panting.
But unlike most nightmares it didn't stop.  It was the truth of course.
Today I have been very depressed indeed.  Took Foal to Forbidden Planet, bought some comic books. All the way there I wanted to die.  Not kill myself just die.  The words "...and then he killed himself" kept coming into my head and they felt so welcome and right.  All day I have been walking around, and every time there was a pleasure trigger (muscly bloke, pert young lady, smiley barista) I got a mental voice telling me that no, I cannot have anything like that because I am going to die.
I am holding myself together with spit and sellotape to try and be normal for Foal and the parents.  Trying to get through to the end of this holiday.
Some of my friends have been trying to contact me, but I  cannot speak to them.  I feel hounded by them.  I have no strength to give them, and cannot accept strength from them.  I went for dinner at Cherie's place and that was nice, and chatty etc.  But that was Fake Inky.  I was playing my "I can socialise, look I am normal" role.  I am happy Cherie is in a stable relationship now.  I envy her bloke of course.  But I can see she gets a good deal there.  But in a way Cherie is a reminder of all the wrong turns I have taken in my life, to end up here.
I am planning  a backpacking trip.  Just me, what I can carry and the wilderness.  I will go into the desert.
Who knows, I may even come out.

Hot air for a cool breeze

So yesterday and today were different brands of shit. Depression and anxiety very high and debilitating. I have been forcing myself to go to the gym and do jobs etc. But its hellish. Anxiety attacks in asda that kind of thing. I really am not coping wellwith this. I am on bupropion day 5 and i cant really tell any difference yet, though its early days.
I had a game of backgammon and dinner last night and true to form Spock came through and was charmkng and interactive and had a nice evening. Driving home I was silently crying and fearful, not of anything, just fearful.
Ive identified the flies from the other day. They are eye floaters. My brain is noticing them more and assigning meaning to them.
Last night Sheldon workedout that the gap between the cuddlepillow and me was an excellent catvalley.  My subcomscious recognised this and kept me immobile all night.  Result is a subluxed left shoulder which is very troublesome.  Ho hum.

It was a Chelsea morning, and the first thing that I saw...

Mornings are such fragile things.
Real mornings that is. Not the bit where you drowsily hit snooze on the phone. The bit where you open your eyes and take proper steps towards consciousness. Those with a chronic illness or Mental Health problem may know whats coming next...
Mornings are a time of hope. And I am beginning to think that hope is something that the chronically ill should not have. You open your eyes, and for a moment, before the brain body connection has fully clicked in, you are normal. Doing a normal thing. Normally.
And then IT hits you. Whatever IT is for you. For EDSers its often a subluxation of the hip or shoulderor some joint pushed beyond tolerancd by long tension.
It may be that rolling over ready to get up reminds you that your mobility is fucked. It might be the tremor in your hand as you put your watch on. It might simply be the cloud of despair that is depression hitting you in the brain.
Whatever IT is, when IT hits another piece of your capacity for joy and life is rubbed off. Sanded down and salted. It hurts.
That was my morning.
I opened my eyes hugging something soft and yielding, my morning erection pressing hard into it.
It turned out that it was the pregnancy pillow I hug at night to stop hip and shoulder problems. But that wasnt the issue.
What hit me next was depression. My mind suddenly remembered it was mad.
This mad is quite disturbing. It comes along with anxiety and tremor and...well I think I am seeing flies. But they could be real. Everytime i grab the fly spray they arent there. Who knows.
I am doubting my ability to tell what is real. Except for my loss. That stays real.
I am trying to stay out late at the moment. This is mrsinkys part of the hokiday with foal and i do not want to interrupt them. Even though they are precious to me. They have rejected me. I have to live with that.
Soon it will be my foaltime. Probkem is dven tho mrsinky diesnt want me in her time I do want her in mine.
So it goes...

Every now and then I fall apart

So another bad few days.  After an argument with Mrsinky left me numb on Sunday I have relly struggled to go out.  At the same time a post came up at a v good Uni I used to work at so I had to apply.  The application ended up being 12 pages of close type.  I have a cat in hells chance of getting it but had to try.  Worst part was the equal opps form....they had a tick sheet for types of disability and i basically got bingo on it.
But the effort was exhausting.  In the middle of it I had to stop and go to see the new psychiatrist, who gave me  bupropion, which I am now on day 2 of.  he was a gentle voiced beardy of the 'you believe it and thats what matters' school of cuntery.  Still at least its a different thing to try.
All this has eft me exhausted and weepy.  Ive had a lot of agoraphobic type incidents.  Today am stuck in middle of the couch with the shakes.
my brain is not working well at all.  every time i see mrsinky i just fall apart more.
nothing I do makes it better.
In other news I have a new cuddlepillow to support me during sleep and it is very good, but my neck hates it.  not sure how to support that.

Letsdo the time warp again

Ok so 5 years or so back i was having a discussion with my GP. I wanted an antidepressant that didnt have sexual side effects and wouldnt make me gain weight. I knew bupropion had this profile and was widely used in the us.  The gp looked it up ans said he couldnt prescribe it except for quitting smoking.
This is the widest prescribed AD in the states, effective as an adjunct to ssris, combats comfort eating, actually reverses ssri sexual disfunction...but the nhs will only give it for quitting smoking.
I bring this up becauseyesterday I sawdr snidearses boss and he wrote a scrip for it straightaway.
Aside from that I suppose the meeting went well. My agoraphobia has been worsening but I keep going out in a limited way. Dr endoflevelbaddy wasone of those quiet voiced psychsyouwant to thump. So I ended up goading him with psych intervention evidence quality.  Normal stuffreally.
Meanwhile still want tk die.

I sometimes think Kafka was a total optimist

So yesterday was a crisis.  Or rather yesterday the crisis I have been in since February came to the surface. I am an unusual psych patient.  Well I am an internet horse for a start. But beyond that...
I have spent my entire life subsuming emotion.  I operate two parallel processing systems, one emotional and one rational.  the rational one floats on the surface and that is the one you talk to.  i say rational not logical because Spock, as I call him, does get passionate about some things, and stubborn.  But in a reasoned, strategic way.  You come to me with a crisis and Spock will sort it out.  No blame, no emotion, just sort.
The emotional person, Emo, is doing all the feeling but like any juvenile drooling idiot is not allowed near the controls unless Spock is incapacitated.  Emo is like Dana's personality after possession.  There is no Emo, only Spock.
But Emo has been in trouble for a long time.  Spock doesn't enjoy things, that's not his role.  Emo hasn't enjoyed much of anything since 1980.  At the moment Emo is  covered in napalm and burning.
Yesterday Emo came through a lot.
Of course Spock comes to the surface at times when i interact with people.  When the police came to my house for safeguarding Spock offered them a cup of tea because that's what you do to guests.  The paramedic and I chatted on the way to A and E (no way could I drive) because that's what you do. (incidentally Suffolk police and paramedics v rugged.  Recommend).  So for long periods I appeared normal.If that's a word.
And the assessment team...they asked questions, so Spock answered.  Lucidly.  And all the time i was burning, burning.
I am burning still.
Because of course politics got in the way.
After yesterdays meeting I walked out and sat on a bench outside for 2 hrs.  I called PALS who were livid but powerless.  Eventually I called MrsInky, who was kind.  She rang off, called my GP to raise the alarm, rang back, talked to me to find out where I was.  I drove home at 20mph curb hugging, washed up, made a cup of tea and ran out of distraction.
I have been distracting myself since February.  When I ring out of hours line they tell me to distract myself.  The only treatment I have is distraction and sleeping pills.
Gentle reader how long could you distract yourself, so that you never have time just to sit.  Are never alone with your thoughts?  I have been doing it since February.
Spock is exhausted.  He will respond to provocation but it has to be quite strong.  Beyond that he is done. Hawkeye in the flu epidemic style done.
So yesterday I get taken to A and E by a rugged paramedic.  And they give me some tea, and put me in a waiting room, explaining they need to get a crisis team, but ask if I need help pro tem.  So I sit and origam for a while.  Then they come back and say someone from the IDT needs to come up for the assessment.  I say unless the IDT agree that Dr Snidearse is not in the loop I do not want them there, and pass that on to save a journey.
So when the assessment happens Clarice is there, I say to him "Snidearse is out of loop?"
"I cannot give that undertaking"
"Well then I want you to leave.  And tell Snideearse personally that I withdraw all permission for her to treat me."
This last because then I know she knows, for later unethical behaviour proceedings.
So Clarice leaves.  I give my version of events to the crisis team.  Or Spock does.
And then the problem.  Because I am under the 'care' of the IDT they have to be involved in formulating a plan.  They knock off at 5. So the conflab cannot happen until today.  They weren't going to admit me, which would have been my favoured option, that and some horse sedatives.  They couldn't medicate me.  They had nothing else and couldn't do a care plan without the IDT because politics.
It isn't like the IDT were treating me anyway.  Clarice is a social worker and is just about organising life changes. If my head doesn't change I have no life to change.  I have no psych intervention (I know they are a placebo but even homoeopathy would be welcome at this point.  Hell I am in the gym.  I will wait till some sane people are swimming, hit the pool with a bible then drink some) I have no meds beyond sleeping pills. And Smirnoff.
Everything seems predicated on the idea things will get better.  they won't.  Everything from here is worse.

Time keeps moving on, friends they turn away

Its been a while and there is a reason.  I am functioning in a barely functioning way at the moment.
You may remember I talked about a split in my brain, where Spock is the unemotional problem solver and Emo does the emotional responses.
This developed way before I was officially a scientist but it certainly helps.  Working in science the temptation to run off with the first positive data going yippeee I've found Inky's law is very strong, and very human.  In fact in my field (Microfluidics) a very large number of papers consist of this behaviour which is why I get a bad rep at conference for pointing this out.  Stepping back, turning off the joy and going yebbut do this yebbut do that is  vital for real  science.
Spock has been far more in charge than normal.  I have been getting up, dropping Foal off, going to sofa, carefully doing nothing, then getting foal and doing bedtime stuff.  Nothing else.  Ive had the odd evening out at the cinema or playing backgammon but....hard to explain.  Cinema i do it, but I am alone and when the movie ends I drop like a stone.  start crying and cant stop.  All the films have family as a core and I have lost mine.  Even horror films the dad saves the little girl.  It is almost unbearable.
With backgammon, or grindr dates, or whatever while i am there i am sociable (as much as i can fake it) and turned on but when I leave I turn off.  Spock again.  things to do.
I cannot motivate myself to work, or write, or do models or anything much.  I have no spare motivation.  All I can see in the future is black.
The shrink battle is better.  Remember the practice manager over 4 weeks was saying that Dr Snidearse could not be excluded from my case because admin.  I got in touch with PALS, and the formal complaints people and they both got the IDT to admit this was bollocks so now have assurance that this will happen.  But lets look at the timeline:
Complaint (9th june) despite complaints procedure demand written complaint (18th june)
Date on complaints committee document as start of complaint 2nd July.
I rang the complaints staff and said why does it take nearly a month for a complaint to reach you?  they said dunno.  they agreed with me that there was no barrier to Snidearsectomy.  Have added addendum to complaint saying why not process verbal complaint and why does it take you a month?
Another thing is the physio.  Am in a shoulder class which started yesterday.  Walk in and its warmup time.  they just have exercise bikes.  I cannot use these because the weight of my legs tend to dislocate my hips.  must remember to try and deal with that. The woman checking people in was a total cow.  when I said can I have an alternated warmup she said "if you are too ill to get on a bie you shouldd not be here".  Would not listen to me that alternate equipment would work.  In the end i got a treadmill (something else i cant use because it wears my hips out) and put it up to full incline to mimic a x trainer.  and got shouted at for difficulty.  No, luv, if its flat I cannot do it.
Several exercises were dangerous for me.  One involved step up, raise arm, step back.  Now stepping back is dangerous because i have bad proprioception.  I have to look.  As I was explaining this during demo i raise my arms and my two lowest ribs sublux outwards, hitting the physio in the wrist.
Now this physio has heard of eds, but he (this isn't warmup bitch) really wasnt the best communicator.  Mind you with his looks he doesn't have to be. He did adapt some exercises.  He had to.  another one involved balancing on a wobble board and throwing a ball.  Told him flat out that would put me in a and e.  He did adapt it.
But his smug assurance that he knew about eds....I doubt it.  Really I do.
AAnyhoo, on and on.

Too late to fix another drink, the lights are going out

So it has been a ridiculously awful few days. Ihave been feeling vile. Sunshine always makes me feel ill in a sort of flulike way and this has been bad. But on top of this my mood has been grim.
The old blackness returned on Thursday after a meeting with the Central IDT, my MH team, where they again refused to exckude Dr Snidearse from my case. This now makes 4 weeks of no support because I cannot discuss things with them if i cannot trust them, and i cannit trust them if she us involved.
That led to a grim night. Then a grim day.
Then Friday night I Was due out. Mrsinky rang and asked if I minded if she and Foal stayed at her boyfriends. Answer yes I minded. But I said ask Foal. And apparently foal said yes.
I kept myself busy as long as I could. Watched Terminator Genisys (do not bother) and then went home.
Alone.
I started crying as I left the cinema. I didnt stop.
They were off being a family. I was completely useless, replaced, rejected.
I have a box of trazodone at home. 2pills of that made me feel like death. I was willing to bet the box would do the trick.
Dr snidearse has left me with no support, no prn meds, nothing.
I rang the emergency line for MH patients and talked to a nurse there. She tried, bless her. She obviously isnt used to dealing with people like me. Kept saying we have a duty to care for ourselves and being stumped when I asked why.
But i talked to her for a few hours. Then a choice of a and e or 2 codeine and a pint of vodka. Guess.
Next day was Foals school fete. Got through it, then collapsed all pm. Then we did film n mezze. Hobbit on sky.
I really really want to die. Really.

I have to turn away until....things subside

Anyway back to where I was before twitter intervened.
predictable slump I think.
Remember I have no treatment regime and a home life that is utterly stressful.  Yesterday was a day signifying no motion at all on the treatment/diagnosis front.  Still the same bureaucratic bollocks no movement.  Home is wors, not because of anything new but because it is failing to go right.
Pain is bad (not quite so bad right now but thats the tail end of last nights gin n codeine).
All this has left me...well Spock is still carrying on organising.  but Emo is properly depressed.
I havent felt the need to masturbate in about a week.  No interest in sex at all.  No interest in going out.  No interest, in short, in anything.
Overwhelming suicidal thoughts.  Have identified the trazodone on my shelf as the best means available.
I do not want this life.

I see the (well lets face it, everything) go by, dressed in their summer clothes

OK so the content of this one has changed in the last 10 minutes due to a frankly bizarre exchange on Twitter.
First you need to understand my relationship with Twitter is rather like Waldorf and Stadtlers relationship with the muppets.  I sit in my balcony and make smartalec remarks.  Because.  Sometimes I drop the odd thing in there to indicate my mood.  But being me I am not going to come out and say it.
So this morning I put up a post saying this:

Very very very dark grey

— Inky Thehorse (@inky_r) July 3, 2015

and this prompted a question from an entity known as Jenny G (@IwontEverWakeUp) as to if I was a bot.
So I said:

@IwontEverWakeUp problem: were I a bot would be programmed to respond no to are you a bot. So how can you tell? Take that turing.

— Inky Thehorse (@inky_r) July 3, 2015

and then it went downhill.  Jenny demanded to know why I had no avatar.  Not relevant to bothood if you ask me as all the bots I have seen have avatars..

@IwontEverWakeUp 1) clear batman reference. 2) what would you like me to replace the icon with? I do not put pictures of self on line...

— Inky Thehorse (@inky_r) July 3, 2015

@IwontEverWakeUp why would I make myself identifiable so readily? what would I gain from sharing that information? I maintain a..

— Inky Thehorse (@inky_r) July 3, 2015

@IwontEverWakeUp ...facebook account simply to take pictures and references to me down from facebook. Have never had author photo etc. etc.

— Inky Thehorse (@inky_r) July 3, 2015

@IwontEverWakeUp but to get back to this...what is more important, whether I am a bot or your insane desire to see my face? not worth it btw

— Inky Thehorse (@inky_r) July 3, 2015

@IwontEverWakeUp then what is the problem?

— Inky Thehorse (@inky_r) July 3, 2015

@IwontEverWakeUp oh deary me

— Inky Thehorse (@inky_r) July 3, 2015

Yep. Assume Jenny was a bot trying to get me to add a photo for skynet reasons. have reported her https://t.co/emSnQxbyRU

— Inky Thehorse (@inky_r) July 3, 2015

hoping the embed thing works....

Anyway a bit nonplussed.  easy explanation is that Jenny was a bot working for skynets facial recognition software.

but this is not the first time people have asked for an avatar picture, or for a picture of my face.  Why is this?  I really struggle.  I mean we all know that  he pictures on avatars are mainly not of the people involved, or are idealised a tad.  they give, in short, no useful information.  I had assumed the avatar was there to allow illiterate people to identify the tweeter, but as the tweets i give are mainly text that wouldnt help.
In short why do people want pictures there?  What does it add?  I for one would vote to have the avatars removed from twitter completely as the useless spam they are.

Des reflets changeants Sous la pluie

OK so the bright spot today was being very cheeky to Dawkins and Colquhoun and suggesting they get shipped out to Bangkok.
But on top of that is a layer of shite.  I spent the morning doing the mrsinkyhelping I agreed to yesterday, whilst at the same time hating myself.
Throat infection still bad, and joints ridiculous. bad subluxes both shoulders and hips really complaining. will try and force through and do some movement.

Last night I had to take some codeine but even so was a bad night.  And this morning the pain unbelievable.  Could be because codeine tunred it off and then i was plunged back in.  frog in a pan of water theorem.  ho hum.

Over futile odds, and laughed at by the gods

Today has been rough.  I did manage to do some work on a chapter this morning but that used up everything I had.  Couldn't even go to the gym.  The afternoon was dedicated to sleep.
I have a nasty sore throat going on and a lot of joint pain.  I don't know if this is coincidental or flu.  thing with EDS is that it feels like you have flu most days even when you don't.
My mood is...troubling.  My old twin brain system is working well I suppose.  Spock is running things.  Did a lot of child wrangling over the weekend.  Even had a grown up night out on Saturday.
But to say my heart is not in it is an understatement.  My mood underneath is blackest midnight.  I am a zombie, carrying on the motions wearing the meat of a living person.  My hands make capering motions.  That is all.
Mrsinky was away, at a concert, with company all weekend.
I couldn't cope.
Now she is back and needs my help.  And I give it.  Because part of me thinks if I just help her hard enough she will come back and I can live again.