I sometimes think Kafka was a total optimist

So yesterday was a crisis.  Or rather yesterday the crisis I have been in since February came to the surface. I am an unusual psych patient.  Well I am an internet horse for a start. But beyond that...
I have spent my entire life subsuming emotion.  I operate two parallel processing systems, one emotional and one rational.  the rational one floats on the surface and that is the one you talk to.  i say rational not logical because Spock, as I call him, does get passionate about some things, and stubborn.  But in a reasoned, strategic way.  You come to me with a crisis and Spock will sort it out.  No blame, no emotion, just sort.
The emotional person, Emo, is doing all the feeling but like any juvenile drooling idiot is not allowed near the controls unless Spock is incapacitated.  Emo is like Dana's personality after possession.  There is no Emo, only Spock.
But Emo has been in trouble for a long time.  Spock doesn't enjoy things, that's not his role.  Emo hasn't enjoyed much of anything since 1980.  At the moment Emo is  covered in napalm and burning.
Yesterday Emo came through a lot.
Of course Spock comes to the surface at times when i interact with people.  When the police came to my house for safeguarding Spock offered them a cup of tea because that's what you do to guests.  The paramedic and I chatted on the way to A and E (no way could I drive) because that's what you do. (incidentally Suffolk police and paramedics v rugged.  Recommend).  So for long periods I appeared normal.If that's a word.
And the assessment team...they asked questions, so Spock answered.  Lucidly.  And all the time i was burning, burning.
I am burning still.
Because of course politics got in the way.
After yesterdays meeting I walked out and sat on a bench outside for 2 hrs.  I called PALS who were livid but powerless.  Eventually I called MrsInky, who was kind.  She rang off, called my GP to raise the alarm, rang back, talked to me to find out where I was.  I drove home at 20mph curb hugging, washed up, made a cup of tea and ran out of distraction.
I have been distracting myself since February.  When I ring out of hours line they tell me to distract myself.  The only treatment I have is distraction and sleeping pills.
Gentle reader how long could you distract yourself, so that you never have time just to sit.  Are never alone with your thoughts?  I have been doing it since February.
Spock is exhausted.  He will respond to provocation but it has to be quite strong.  Beyond that he is done. Hawkeye in the flu epidemic style done.
So yesterday I get taken to A and E by a rugged paramedic.  And they give me some tea, and put me in a waiting room, explaining they need to get a crisis team, but ask if I need help pro tem.  So I sit and origam for a while.  Then they come back and say someone from the IDT needs to come up for the assessment.  I say unless the IDT agree that Dr Snidearse is not in the loop I do not want them there, and pass that on to save a journey.
So when the assessment happens Clarice is there, I say to him "Snidearse is out of loop?"
"I cannot give that undertaking"
"Well then I want you to leave.  And tell Snideearse personally that I withdraw all permission for her to treat me."
This last because then I know she knows, for later unethical behaviour proceedings.
So Clarice leaves.  I give my version of events to the crisis team.  Or Spock does.
And then the problem.  Because I am under the 'care' of the IDT they have to be involved in formulating a plan.  They knock off at 5. So the conflab cannot happen until today.  They weren't going to admit me, which would have been my favoured option, that and some horse sedatives.  They couldn't medicate me.  They had nothing else and couldn't do a care plan without the IDT because politics.
It isn't like the IDT were treating me anyway.  Clarice is a social worker and is just about organising life changes. If my head doesn't change I have no life to change.  I have no psych intervention (I know they are a placebo but even homoeopathy would be welcome at this point.  Hell I am in the gym.  I will wait till some sane people are swimming, hit the pool with a bible then drink some) I have no meds beyond sleeping pills. And Smirnoff.
Everything seems predicated on the idea things will get better.  they won't.  Everything from here is worse.