I'm living in a powder keg and throwing off sparks..

.S So anyway life goes on . It seems we cannot stop it.
this la st week has been a bugger by any Standard and I for onewant it to stop. Observnrt readers will know that Mrslnky Moved out on Saturday thereby putting an end to the horrid infighting. But as you in the real world know this means a lot of expense and a lot of emotion.
To be honest I an not feeling this yetbecause there is so much to do. Spock is having a great time working out the logical place to put paprika and where George would look best. George has been iIl so l hope the change will do him good. God knows what will happen when I run out of jobs to do.
Anyway that was the end of the week,  started with me at a conference and shaking like a leaf because Boss was there. In the end he literally ran from the room to avoid me. l was so upset by this it did not let  me enjoy  the rest of the conference. So then I got train and taxi home. Next day I was meant to be doing my Bike Theory test. No wallet.. No licence. Arg!
The test people would not let me do it without so that Was money downthe drain. I have rebooked for the 12th.
So then 1 start cancelling cards. When the taxi driver turns up with my wallet.
Big sigh of relief.
then I had food poisoning for a 2 day vomit fest.
Anyway the process of moving Mrslnky out has been trying on many levels. Only now does she realise the cost of this process. What I and she had lost.
So roll on surgery

The road goes ever, ever on

Much has happened since I last filled in one of these.  And in fact my last post abut chutney should have given a clue about my emotional state. When I am upset I cook.
So I suppose I should fill in a bit more background not just dangle that in front of you.  But since we last spoke I have made not just the runner bean chutney

but also plum jam

greengage and cherry jam

and another chutney that we decided to call roger.  Roger is a red tomato and ginger chutney that is so popular it disappears almost instantly.  I may post the recipe for Roger at some point but as with all Inky cooking its a bit  chuck it in and see.

The holiday with Foal was a massive strain.  I hope she enjoyed it, but it really was tough to get through.  After I came back...well stress stress stress.

A lot of this is caused by my Apsergers tendencies.  I still haven't had a full diagnosis yet but the more I read about it and the more Aspies I talk to, the more it fits. So I am almost certainly on the spectrum somewhere , though it may be PDD NOS.  Which means Murmur was right.  Murmur is a sometime commenter on here who comes from another e-place.  I always think of him as a badger in an old fashioned nurses uniform.  For some reason this upsets him.

Mrsinky and I had argued before I went because I chose the wrong time to have a conversation.  To my Aspie brain it went: this is a conversation we must have, this is the last time we can have it before holidays so we should have it.

The fact it was her first day in a new job, she had toothache and whiplash and a bunch of other stuff going on didn't enter my brain as relevant because that was just emotional stuff. This blog post says quite well how my brain works.  I automatically suppress emotions, and regard any emotional decision as suspect if not de facto wrong.  I respond to people in distress by trying to help them rather than comfort them. See here for why.  This isn't a choice, I genuinely do not know what people want if not help.

It is worse than that of course.  I find expressions of emotions in other people at best troubling.  I literally do not speak that language.  So when  friend tells me that they love me (platonic) I have no idea what to do.  I have the same problem with my parents and siblings.  Their expressions of affection have puzzled and bothered me for a long time.  I have just about worked out what to do when being hugged ( I have a strong dislike of invasions of personal space of any kind, and hate anyone touching me unless we are shagging.  I am hypersensitive to some touches and textures.  Get me to furnish a house and it would be chrome, marble, gloss paint and glass) but find the myriad verbal expressions of emotion...well what are you supposed to say?  How are you supposed to act?  You end up running down a horrible decision tree of responses trying to work out which one will not hurt their feelings or sound weird or whatever.  And that is positive emotion.

Negative emotion is worse.  I had a primary school headmaster whose facial expression, to me, looked like a smile when he was angry.  This led to me being slippered at least once because I misread it.  When someone shouts at me I sit there and take it silently, unless I really need to defend a position.  I respond that way to challenge. I do not enter into competition...in planning meetings or research I give my opinion.  If someone disagrees with it I leave it up to them.  When they find out they are wrong they will be back.  But I won't fight for it.  It is there, take it or leave it.

On the whole I dislike many TV dramas etc. because they insist on focussing on peoples relationships and feelings rather than the plot.  Once you fast forward past these the program becomes quite short.  It is easier if it is well written or funny, so I could watch Buffy in full, as the writing was good.  Except for the bits where she was moping or Angel was brooding, because who cares.  Similarly I think Lois and Clark ruined superman because it became about them having a relationship rather than anything interesting.  But brooding drama...it has to be really really good before I can stand it.

Musicals used to frighten me as a child.  You would have people talking and acting normal then all of a sudden they would start singing and dancing.  It was like they had caught a disease or something.

I could never watch Eastender's or many other soaps.  To me they are all about shouting and anger, and they make me uncomfortable and anxious.  Anger and sadness in others is the worst.  this actually hurts.  It is a mental pain that will not stop until the source of distress is dealt with.  And it is not just one hammer blow it is a constant mounting pain.  The longer I spend with someone showing negative emotion without being able to help them, the more it hurts.  This is why my response to a crying MrsInky is always an offer to help sort out the problem.  What she actually wants tends to be sympathy, but as in the link above I don't know how to do that.  She finds me trying to sort out the problem irritating.  But the thing then is that I have a person in front of me who seems to want to torture me.  They are causing me real distress by radiating negative emotion, and refusing to let me help it stop, which is the only relief from pain I can get.  To my brain telling someone abut a problem without letting them help is cruel.  You are making them miserable as well.

Aspies are known for meltdowns, and yes I show this too.  Negative emotional stimuli like the above are cumulative.  So stress builds.  You can relieve it by doing something, work or a workout or whatever.  But it builds up.  If you then go into an argument or an emotional situation this can overspill.  You meltdown.  This can take many forms.  With me the first thing is a desire to run.  I have to get out of the situation, away from the stimulus.  I go into a room and shut the door away from whoever it is I am talking to,  Of course this sometimes makes them want to follow you to continue the conversation/argument/interaction.  I have been known to end up sitting in a room with my back against the door with other people shouting through it. Sometimes all they are trying to do s see if I am OK but my brain cannot process this and just needs them to stop emoting at me.

Seriously people your emotions are deafening.  Please turn down the volume.

If the stimulus keeps up I will end up self harming in a non premeditated way.  This might be trying to break my hand bones by punching a wall, hitting myself on the head with a rock, trying to stab myself.  Whatever. It is always, always directed inwards at me.  I want the pain, or indeed death to make the emotions stop.

If you know an aspie of course you may want to help them in a meltdown, but seriously what they almost certainly need is an absence of human stimulus.  person dependent, of course.  Ask them.  But I am betting that's what they need.

Now at the moment I have got so much stress on my plate that a meltdown is always about a minute away.  And because I am depressed that takes a different form, like hysterical weeping or suicidal ideation so loud I have to turn  up the ipod to max to drown it out.  The only thing that helps is getting Spock to find something to do.  Do jobs.  Focus focus focus.  Repress.  That is fine until someone asks me how I am, for example.  Or there is a trigger like the final scene in When Harry Met Sally (one of my favourite films.  I think I can never watch it again).  

Anyhoo, am still taking Bupropion.  Annoying Psych doubled the dose because no effect.  I am not sure now what it is doing.  the dose is split morning and evening and frankly I think it is stopping me from sleeping.  I certainly need chemical assistance to do so.  As for effect I am having crisis after crisis.  I am arranging jobs.

On Tuesday I attempt my CBT for motorbike which I am hoping I will pass.  Brrrm.

I am also planning an attempt on the Cape Wrath Trail.  I decided on this pretty recently, and I have therefore imposed on MrsInky by leaving the childcare etc. to her for 3 weeks.  I feel bad about this.

I do not know if I will be able to do it all.  I am in remission at the moment but my joints are susceptible to damage.  And I am wrong in the head.  And that trail is ROUGH.

But it has things I need.  A challenge to make me feel like a man (horse) again.  I have had all the trappings of manhood stripped from me.  It has space and mountains, which I miss very much.  It has a lack of people, which I feel I need right now.  And it has mortification of the flesh, which might sort out my head.  And given the vagaries of my EDS carpe diem, it may be my last shot.

As I say I may drop out early.  I know many people do and there is no shame.  But lets see.

Stuck outside of Mobile with the Memphis blues again

So my return has been delayed with one thing and another and that means another night at my folks.  It is a strange bed and even though I have brought cuddle pillow with me my joints are less than receptive to the sleep process.
Slept fitfully, avoided z drugs but had to take painkillers at 4am. I am walking with great difficulty and my shoulders cannot currently support my arms weight away from my body. In other words Back To Square One.
My head is being completely fried by the divorce thing. I am trying to get advice on it but the process is incredibly painful to me. I do not want other people in my life with information. I do not normally share info about what I am having for dinner let alone my private life. I do not know how to cope with this.

I see the (well lets face it, everything) go by, dressed in their summer clothes

OK so the content of this one has changed in the last 10 minutes due to a frankly bizarre exchange on Twitter.
First you need to understand my relationship with Twitter is rather like Waldorf and Stadtlers relationship with the muppets.  I sit in my balcony and make smartalec remarks.  Because.  Sometimes I drop the odd thing in there to indicate my mood.  But being me I am not going to come out and say it.
So this morning I put up a post saying this:

Very very very dark grey

— Inky Thehorse (@inky_r) July 3, 2015

and this prompted a question from an entity known as Jenny G (@IwontEverWakeUp) as to if I was a bot.
So I said:

@IwontEverWakeUp problem: were I a bot would be programmed to respond no to are you a bot. So how can you tell? Take that turing.

— Inky Thehorse (@inky_r) July 3, 2015

and then it went downhill.  Jenny demanded to know why I had no avatar.  Not relevant to bothood if you ask me as all the bots I have seen have avatars..

@IwontEverWakeUp 1) clear batman reference. 2) what would you like me to replace the icon with? I do not put pictures of self on line...

— Inky Thehorse (@inky_r) July 3, 2015

@IwontEverWakeUp why would I make myself identifiable so readily? what would I gain from sharing that information? I maintain a..

— Inky Thehorse (@inky_r) July 3, 2015

@IwontEverWakeUp ...facebook account simply to take pictures and references to me down from facebook. Have never had author photo etc. etc.

— Inky Thehorse (@inky_r) July 3, 2015

@IwontEverWakeUp but to get back to this...what is more important, whether I am a bot or your insane desire to see my face? not worth it btw

— Inky Thehorse (@inky_r) July 3, 2015

@IwontEverWakeUp then what is the problem?

— Inky Thehorse (@inky_r) July 3, 2015

@IwontEverWakeUp oh deary me

— Inky Thehorse (@inky_r) July 3, 2015

Yep. Assume Jenny was a bot trying to get me to add a photo for skynet reasons. have reported her https://t.co/emSnQxbyRU

— Inky Thehorse (@inky_r) July 3, 2015

hoping the embed thing works....

Anyway a bit nonplussed.  easy explanation is that Jenny was a bot working for skynets facial recognition software.

but this is not the first time people have asked for an avatar picture, or for a picture of my face.  Why is this?  I really struggle.  I mean we all know that  he pictures on avatars are mainly not of the people involved, or are idealised a tad.  they give, in short, no useful information.  I had assumed the avatar was there to allow illiterate people to identify the tweeter, but as the tweets i give are mainly text that wouldnt help.
In short why do people want pictures there?  What does it add?  I for one would vote to have the avatars removed from twitter completely as the useless spam they are.

Out of reach, so far,...

So this week underlined a few things.
The trip to Denmark was interesting, and shows how much of my work could be applied to food science etc.  except I now have no way of applying it.  Also the strain of the trip was huge.
My freinds keep coming up with ideas of what I should do next and each one fills me with more horror and despair than the last.  I cannot cope with the notion.  I dont want another career.  I dont want to go into industry because i know I would have no aptitude for it at all.  been there, tried that.  i do not care about making money.  Just do not care.
My brother kept saying "do something you enjoy".  I was.
I havent enjoyed anything else apart from sex for a long time, and I wouldnt make much as a hooker,
My dad is pointing out we need to sort out switzerland and move my stuff out.  I know this.  but it gives me panic attacks just thinking about it.  Because then it is real.
All the way back home from somerset I was daydreaming wee would get back, have a nice tea with mrsinky, then it would be so nice and friendly she would change her mind and it wouldnt be real.
From the minute i walked in teh door she was fucking livid with me for taking up space in the house, for making noise (we had kfc, involving rattly packets.  she finishes hers first, then stares at me and sighs for being rattly), for supporting her when foal threw a tantrum, for not supporting her when she and foal had a run in this morning....she clearly despises me.
I don't want to live.  Really just don't.  I am having to go to a "family" do tonight for the inlaws to celebrate foalmas.  after that ...well my intention is just to stop eating.  Normally I only last a few days on that before i give in.  but lets see how it goes.
Date has been texting.  he was confused by migraine delay. but I dont want to inflict myself on him in this state.  God knows how I am going to get through tonight.  Ive asked if mrsinky wants me there but she says foal does.
Physio...well movement in shoulder is better so have been given more exercises.  The physio, who is extremely beddable, kept struggling with my lack of proprioception.  I kept saying increase the load because i can feel tired, i cannot feel position.  His demos are entertaining.  One exercise he showed me- the starting position is essentially the classic "come and shag me doggy style" position from gay porn.  And very good he looked too. he showed me the easy one, then was nonplussed when i said that the complex one gave me too many things to think about.  for him motion is automatic.  for me it is all deliberate.  so kneeling on all fours then lifting two limbs is enough to think about.  moving as well makes me fall over.
He said, in a nice way, that it was like training a stroke victim.  I said very much, except stroke victims have no badd habits to overwright.  ALL of my movement patterns are bad habits, as I never had the feedback.

She wakes up, she makes up

So, I was going to get a title from Nobodys Diarybut this one is playing in Costa so here we go.
I have been in Scandiwegia for a day or two so it has been a no blog zone.  This was a talk that my friend whom we shall call Brent and I had arranged early in the year whenI still had a life. I kept him apprised of all the developements and he said go ahead anyway so I did.
Well I say apprised, I hadnt come out to him yet, though I did this weekend. Just because so many now mnow I am bisexual that it was better than he find out otherwise. Hjs reaction was basically "you were bi but totalky faithfull, why should Mrsinky care" and also " I dont give a fuck, is that whiskey you are holding?"
Remember he is under the scandiwegian booze blockade...
Anyhoo he and i go back 20 years or so. He was a junior in the lab where I did my Ph.D. and was bullied after I left (noone gets bullied where I can see it) but had a very very successful industry career.  Has now been brought in to academia to industrify the research.
So these guys are food science, and thats an open goal.  Microfluidics has not been applied to food science at all. So anything you do is publishable.
My big problem was concealing my current difficulties.
Anyhoo lots of lovely discussions. Nice blue sky thinking. Vague possibility of a job though thats very low likelihood. Lots of reminiscing.
Brent has gone slightly conspiracy theory wingnut but its entertaining.  Much beer. Also Oban whisky and good meals in Malmo, where I havent been for a decade.
Before I went date, whom I shall have to speudonymise soon, introduced me to his lovely dog. Dog is a boxer, very characterful, lovely friendly thing. But i managed to bork a shoulder in meeting him.  Still not sure Dates exepctations andmine coincide.
Flight over was ok but flight back was hell. Queueing system at copenhagen is awful. Next time im taking a chair.
Tonjght foal and i repair to Somerzet.
Yesterday was a sofa day.  But also....mrsinky rang and was talkkng about foals birthday next week. She was talking about getting separate presents. And it brought it back. I am living in denial. Im doing nkthing pretending its all ok. When i get a reminder of what my situation actually is...I fold. I cannot process it.
If it continues as is...well I have sick pay till Feb 2017. Then I will kill myself. Looking at it rationally I think thats the best solutoon all round.

Ps photo includes todays cafe hotty. This guys back sings s he moves.

Come into the garden, maude

Still fucked today but having to finish presentation because Denmark.  but in meantime...pictures of inkyroses.
I am so sad that i will have to sell this house.  my roses at the front are...well they are just right now.


aaaand now my music player played mr brightside.  Now i feel just lovely, given mrsinky is out.

on back wall l to r, climbing alecs red, etoile d'hollande, Albertine (round window)

In bed l to r ruby wedding annivrsary, fastaff, ice cream

Lavender munstead hedge

Serpent of the Nile, relieve me for a while....

So today I started work on a presentation for Copenhagen next week.  I havent done much but at least it is a start and I know what I want to say.
My brain is pretty much of the opinion that I shouldn't do it though.  Will not let me concentrate at all.
This is partly a reaction to a very bad day with Foal yesterday.
So I went to the gym.  I did a pretty good workout but my joints are now really fucked. shoulders are totally disfunctional. cannot raise arms above 30 degrees.  everything hurts. I think both properly subluxed.  my ribs are also out i think and lower spine not faring well.  hips flaring in sympathy.

Very very tempted to hit the opiate button.
Mrsinky and foal are out.  I took foal down to meet mrsinky so they could do nandos and cinema.  Mrsinky is going with two workmates.  She asked me to join them but I couldnt cope.  I couldnt turn up and be there with her and not with her.  I couldnt go along as if we were a family.  I couldnt go along and pretend it was normal.  this isnt normal.  this is wrong.  I chickened out, and drove bacck.. I cried all the way home.
Ive been texting my unfortunate date quite a lot.  Due to meet them tomorrow but have been being very needy tonight.  This seems not to have put them off.    I am due to see them tomorrow night.
maybe I should cancel and run.  for their sake.

Stop press. Date has to go to southamton instead. Sad lonely horse is sad and lonely.

So many dead ends, I’m at the edge of the lake Sometimes I wonder what it’s gonna take

Not all at Inky Towers continues well.
This is, of course, an understatement.  Mrsinky is hella stressed at work and has an injury to boot which is leaving her...well shall we say short tempered.   This has made living with her more than ususally hurtful and stressful.
Foal is picking up on this and reacting by being extra awful.  She really was unbelievable this morning.
Im stuck in the middle.  last night i was sat there trying desperately to hang on.  wanted to go out but had nowhere to go.  wanted to get blind drunk just to make it stop.  In the end went to bed, zopiclone plus triple vodka tonic made the world go away.
but this is total shit.

stumble to the kitchen, pour myself a cup of ambition...

So last night mrsinky tells me the plumbers are coming this morning at 8.  So I rush around and clean and tidy the whole house because basically ick.  This involves some serious toilet cleanage because two of the people living in our house think the toilet is cleaned by magical pixies from Narnia.  The toilet has been leaking water form the inlet pipe for weeks and my previous attempts at fix have not worked.
So two scrummy plumbers turn up, tighten a nut, and leave.  Seriously.  Problem is I know damned well its not that simple- the fitting cannot cope with the movement ahem induced when people sit down.  no flexibility.  It will leak again.  but ho hum.
Anyhoo another early morning.  mrsinky had to leave early for work.  Foal and I managed to get ready in good time.  Off we drive.
No events really so far- explained the plot of Macbeth to foal on way in.  Sitting here trying to get up will to actually do work of some kind.
Tonight I am supposed to be out on a date.  massive mixed feelings.  mrsinky also I think.  I mean she is saying yes thats fine but also being very off.  You know me and interpersonal skills- could be anything.  But a big part of me is hoping that she actually has feelings for me and wants to give me my life back, in some way.  Being there, looking after foal...it is so hard to think she wants this broken.

Why can't you make decisions Can't make up your mind

I really do not understand what's going on.
MrsInky and I still live together, though officially separated.  I still see her everywhere, smell her, feel her round me.  But we are not "together".  Apparently.
But I am still doing all the support I used to.  She drove back the other night with no petrol, having forgotten her bank card.  So i went to the garage in my pyjamas to get a jerry-can (is that racist) and put it in her car, while she warmed up and watched Hollyoaks.
When she has a rough day I hug her (if she wants it- I have to ask and that alone is killing me) and make her something to eat.
Last night she asked me to help choose clothes for her work things this weekend.
She is trying to treat me like her gay room mate.  but I am not gay..  I am Bi.  She thinks I am gay, has never believed the Bi thing.  But I am not.
So seeing her half clad trying on clothes drives me insane with lust.  Then she packs it away.

I have other, more direct evidence that she still finds me attractive, that her body at least wouldnt mind a bit of Inky.

I just dont understand.  She values my sartorial opinions, values my support, finds me attractive...What the fuck is going on.

I am getting the strong urge to indulge in some very very self-destructive behaviour.  just mindless stuff to make this go away.

Waiting on the first step, show me where the key is kept

So here we are once more on the sofa in Costa.  This is a step up on yesterday as I have stayed out of the house but it is not exactly lovely.
I am really very typically depressed today.  dissociated and anhedonic to an extreme.  I know I am reporting this to you reasonably well but life as a scientist allows that.  I once spent 9 hrs observing droplet formation mismatches with a dislocated shoulder.
My life is such a fearful mess I cannot begin to sort it out.  So I am trying to apply for jobs.
I am not well enough to do them to be honest but that seems like the only positive way I can do anything.  I can at least try before giving up.
I still struggle with wanting to live.  I do not see a reason.  there is a lot of effort involved and absolutely no pleasure or motivation.  No why.
So, you know, fuck it.
Same with social interactions.  Sex I understand, and even I get pleasure from that.  But people associate for other reasons, allegedly.  I have spent a long time trying to work that one out.
I am locked into a cycle of doing things because I am doing them.
My GI tract is painful.  I stopped Mirtazapine because the munchies it triggerred made me eat till I hurt.  I may have stopped too late.  real discomfort from stomach.  guarding and tenderness too.  It hasnt worsened though so it probably isnt a perforation.  but really not pleasant.
ah well, what the hell.
Mrsinky said last night she missed the old me.  So do I.  I mean he was fucking miserable but less miserable than this.

Yes I loved you dearly and if you're offering me diamonds and rust I've already paid

I have previously mentioned my problems with humans.  There are many attempts to label this and frankly I am not sure if diagnoses are totally helpful.  However the fact remains that humans make me very...well nervous is not the word.  It is like the feeling you get when you sit next to a piece of operating high tech high tension equipment.  It is running and you are aware of it.  but you are also aware it can seriously fuck you over with a simple twitch.  And you have no way of predicting its moods.
I can appear to be social and sociable.  This is a performance I switch on and I can sustain it for nearly 2 hrs.  After that time I am exhausted and have to withdraw.  I cannot relax and show my true self around people.
There are 2 reasons for that.  Firstly the risk factor is too high.  Letting others in is too dangerous.  Secondly, and this sounds like dreadful boasting, when I let go and just talk almost nobody is capable of keeping up.  The amount I dumb down in conversation is staggering.  Most of the time talking to people is like wading through jelly. It gives me a headache thinking down to their level, as Marvin used to say.
But at the same time I get very lonely.  And, not to put too fine a point on it, horny.  I am blessed, or cursed, with  very strong sex drive, probably because it is the only form of intimacy I am at ease with, and it is very irritating at times.  Although I am not a Vulcan I am also not an emotional  thinker.  I reason first and wait for emotions later.  So being compelled to do emotey stuff is irritating.
I bring this up because of the breakdown of my marriage, which looks to me to be pretty final, even though I do not want it.
From my point of view I have been on a sexual starvation diet for 10 years.  I stuck with it because wife/promise/family, even though it was killing me.  Remember that other peoples sex drives are different so starvation for me may be a feast for others.
I am now in a situation that I have to go out and try to secure another source of sex (I think they call them relationships or significant others) because I can't go through life without one any more.  I have no idea at all how to do this.  I mean yes, obviously I could pay, which would hav been legal in switzerland, but that is not what I want at all.  Too dangerous.
But then what else do I do?  I cannot go dancing and pull at the bar.  Cruising the cripples at Zebra Con seems tacky. I am forced to try and socialise with humans.  Even go on a date. this has AAAARRRRRGGGG written on it in big letters.  It is very hard to persuae someone to engage in sexual relations after you have spent a date metaphorically holding them off with a whip and a chair.  Also my ability to read subtext is legendary, i.e. nonexistent.  The only times I have successfully worked out that people wanted to shag me is when they have grabbed my genitals.
Maybe I can employ some kind of chatupmonkey?  A feeling-emotion dog for the terminally cue-dense?

Seems like only yesterday I left my mind behind...

So mrsinky has taken foal our on an easter egg hunt at Sutton Hoo.
I am not invited.
She is meeting a work colleague and his children. His kids have been through a divorce . She thinks mybe they can help foal.
I am not invited.
This chap was kicked out by his wife, and is still adjusting. She is worried seeing me will upset him.
I dont know what to think. I would like to ask him how he coped with his life being stolen. With waking one morning and finding nothing left. I think she doesnt want him to see the evidence of what she is doing.
I am back on  the sofa. While I still have access.

Happy Easter

Yesterday was one of the worst of my life. My wife of 11 years asked for a divorce.
She has taken all meaning from my life. She is stealing foal from me in real terms although she wants to be fair about access. She is turning our lives out onto the scrapheap.
She says I havent done anything but she cannot stand to be with me any more.
I feel my life has now finished.
I am tidying up.
Today I am having a meal for easter we had planned snyway with the hutt and Salacious Crumb. I know it sounds weird but I want to say goodbye and show Foal normal is possible.
We did a forest floor cake.
Choc sponge :
5 eggs
5oz caster sugar
4oz sr flour
1oz cocoa powder
4oz melted dark choc.
Oven 180c
Beat eggs and sugar till fluffy and white snd stiff. Beat in melted choc then fold in dry ingredients pour into lined 9 in tin. Cook 25 mins till middle feels like efge.
Split and fill with jam.
Decorate with choc leaves. Mushrooms are split kinder eggs and flakes. Bits of lemon zest and rosemary flowers too.