Waiting on the first step, show me where the key is kept

So here we are once more on the sofa in Costa.  This is a step up on yesterday as I have stayed out of the house but it is not exactly lovely.
I am really very typically depressed today.  dissociated and anhedonic to an extreme.  I know I am reporting this to you reasonably well but life as a scientist allows that.  I once spent 9 hrs observing droplet formation mismatches with a dislocated shoulder.
My life is such a fearful mess I cannot begin to sort it out.  So I am trying to apply for jobs.
I am not well enough to do them to be honest but that seems like the only positive way I can do anything.  I can at least try before giving up.
I still struggle with wanting to live.  I do not see a reason.  there is a lot of effort involved and absolutely no pleasure or motivation.  No why.
So, you know, fuck it.
Same with social interactions.  Sex I understand, and even I get pleasure from that.  But people associate for other reasons, allegedly.  I have spent a long time trying to work that one out.
I am locked into a cycle of doing things because I am doing them.
My GI tract is painful.  I stopped Mirtazapine because the munchies it triggerred made me eat till I hurt.  I may have stopped too late.  real discomfort from stomach.  guarding and tenderness too.  It hasnt worsened though so it probably isnt a perforation.  but really not pleasant.
ah well, what the hell.
Mrsinky said last night she missed the old me.  So do I.  I mean he was fucking miserable but less miserable than this.