Well as ever Joan Armatrading had a song for it.
Today helped foal with homework and had her sob over how no one gets her and she cant talk to people.
Went to gym.
Crashed. Mrsinky said she hated to see me so emotional.
Well I just hate to see me.
I was up v late after Ashes place. Huge comedown. Much self revulsion. 4 am with a good deal of gin inside me I slept.
Today was too hard. I can't do this. I can't bear to be alone. I do not know how to communicate with people irl. I think its time for me to give up.
I did alone for many years. Then mrsinky happened and I had a hope of lasting company. Well such things do not happen twice. Statistics can only be stretched so far.
Cost benefit analysis not rosy.
In How to Murder Your Wife Jack Lemmon offers the jury a button to make their wife disappear. If I had a surefire button of painless death right now I would press it so hard my thumb would break.
Is it so much to ask fo, some kind of happiness? What did I do that was so wrong?
Inky, you didn't do anything that was so wrong. Or at least, not any more nor less wrong than any of the rest of us poor devils.
ReplyDeleteYou know what I'm going to say again to you, don't you? You wrote "Today helped foal with homework and had her sob over how no one gets her and she cant talk to people." Well, that is one fuck of a big reason for you not to push that bloody button. She does actually love you and need you, you know. And in 10 years' she'll still love you but it will be starting to be more as equals.
Granddaughter was 16 yesterday and texted me earlier to say she thinks she's a lesbian. Then texted again later to say she'd just had a birthday kiss from a VERY nice waiter in an Italian restaurant. (She's gone away to the coast with her parents and a friend for the weekend.) Final text from her said they were going back to the apartment for champagne and cake which she thought was 'really cool'. Me, I just sat here and thought benignly, teenagers, eh?
Have you managed to buy some tonic water today? Somehow gin and Dr Pepper doesn't seem right. At sun/yardarm time today I had Tanqueray, Schweppes, and a slice of lime. For that moment, life was very good.
I have chemotherapy again tomorrow. Are you undergoing seeing the psychiatrist again this week? Let's think of each other and raise whatever we find in our glasses to each other and roar curses into the storm together.
Lys x
Lysistrata I hope you have as good a chemo as is possible given it is chemo.
ReplyDeleteSounds like gdaughter is currently Bi, though teenagers sexuality v fluid at times.
Pass on advice from horse: whatever you are you are, never pass up something good just because of genital mismatch.
Today I have psych at 12.30. gicing serious thought to driving from there to a and e. Or the beach. Reggie perrin had a point.
Sorry Im late, Badger ate my will to live at 3.30 am
Lysistrata I hope you have as good a chemo as is possible given it is chemo.
ReplyDeleteSounds like gdaughter is currently Bi, though teenagers sexuality v fluid at times.
Pass on advice from horse: whatever you are you are, never pass up something good just because of genital mismatch.
Today I have psych at 12.30. gicing serious thought to driving from there to a and e. Or the beach. Reggie perrin had a point.
Sorry Im late, Badger ate my will to live at 3.30 am
Thanks Inky - I'll reply more fully in whatever your latest post is. My drugs give me strange sleep patterns. Also the gin...
DeleteLys x