Safe in my own words, learning from my own words Cruel joke,

Reason notwithstanding, the universe continues unabated.

I am running out of bottom.  Actually I have a bottom the size of Brazil but I mean emotionally and lifewise.

Avid readers will remember that my wife of 11 years asked for a divorce.  That was on a Saturday IIRC.  I spent a few days pleading, and then another mourning.  And then I thought "pick yourself up, dust yourself off, start all over again"  so I rang my boss to find out about a back to work plan.

Things at work had been strained for a very long time.  He has no idea of how much shit I tidy up for him without him having to deal.  Much of that shit is generated by his lack of organisation.  And this is me saying it.  All he sees is me not there at 9 am. I have a medical note for flexitime and I also always put in more hours than on the contract. The 9am thing matters to him because he wants to be able to pop in first thing and dump surprise work on people.  For me that is very disruptive.

Anyway the upshot of the phonecall was stay off sick because you will not have a job to come back to.

So, no wife, no job.

Still living in the same house as wife, and generally things are amicable.  But I am dying inside.  Last night she was upset with me for reasons I didn't really understand (remember I don't do social cues so I may be in the wrong and not know it.) She has made it plain that a marriage is not going to work, not in the normal sense. I am not going into details but what she said has made me hate me so much.

Before xmas I had a job, a wife, we were trying for a baby.

Now I have...a tattoo. This process is like someone taking a knife and cutting away everything I valued or self identified as and making me loathe what remains and the mess the process makes. Every night I pray I will not wake up, that I can just die in my sleep. That undiscovered country from whose bourne no traveller returns would be most welcome.

I go through the motions.  I sent out a cv.  I am thinking of getting a dog.  In my idle moments I think of getting  a bivvi tent and some second hand kit and just walking somewhere.  anywhere.

A lifetime ago I did intensive group therapy at a place called the Red House.  I then finished my PhD, got a variety of jobs, found a girl, settled down, I wanted to so I married, and I thought I was going to grow old and be happy.  But it turns out that who I was was incompatible with that.  So 20 years later I find myself in the same place, suicidal, alone, hurting, no job, no partner, no soul-mate, pretty soon no family.  the last time this happened I was still fairly young. Rebuilding a life from nothing didn't seem such a fools errand.  This time I feel like life has just finished with me.  I cannot go through all that again.  Back then I had friends.  My marriage got rid of all of them, they are strangers to me now, with lives of their own.  Here I have mrsinkys friends. And I cannot ask them to choose.  It is clear when I talk to them she feels hurt so I shall stop doing that soon.

I can either accept the mixed metaphor and do a caligula against the sea of troubles, or oppose.

The psychiatrist has me on daily visits to make sure I am still breathing.

In other news last night I fainted in the bathroom.  This follows a day of joint hell and a serious sublux in the swimming pool.

How many more hints do I need?