I cry sometimes When I'm lying in bed Just to get it all out What's in my head

Gosh look a music reference from the current era...

Why is life like hanging upside down with your head in a bucket of hyaena offal?

My moods have, of late, been a little gloomy.  And swinging around a lot.  The background emotional stress and crap is just something I cannot cope with.

Let me go back a bit.  When last we interacted I  was bemoaning my inability to do human interactions.  In a way I think this is the reason for the dip.

On Friday I went out.  A friend asked me out basically because he wanted to be supportive.  I suggested we didnt just sit in with me ranting because I get enough of that with everyone else.  So we went out to Mizu  for dinner then on to the Film Theatre afterwards to watch Wild Tales.

This friend, who we shall call in here Ash, is part of the local friend group that Mrsinky introduced me to on our first meeting.  She has since kinda faded out of that group a bit because life, thought there has been no breakup as such.  Ash was always what you might call an outlying animal of the herd, being the only gay in the village, a bit older than the others ( my age really, give or take a bit) and having a kid.  But he went through he whole divorce thing a long time ago and so he knows something of where I am.  I call him Ash because he reminds me of Ian Holm, though a bit more attractive.

Anyway Ash asked me out as a friend doing cheerup.  I am 99% certain this is the case, because I think he is in a relationship and also because of the way the evening was transacted.  Of course this being me for all I know he was actually asking me out to establish an alibi for a bank raid, or to mystery shop the restaurant, or any of a number of other things.  But the likelihood is this was a cheerup.

That paragraph gives you an idea of exactly how confusing I find human interactions.  Here is a simple kindly gesture.  But because I know that people have this weird telepathy,  to which I have no access, I have to calculate all possible reasons even the wacky ones and then assign Bayesian probabilities, recalculating as necessary to try and work out what the fuck is going on.  This is exhausting.  But at the same time it doesnt seem acceptable to get people to fill in a tick sheet of their intentions before talking to them.

Anyway the food was good, the film good but rather violent.  fun though.  And we talked about his business and stuff.  Which made me start thinking about dates.

Now two things to start with.  This wasnt, as far as I am aware, a date.  If it was then I trust Ash will let me know I have the wrong end of the stick.  But given that we were doing meal for two and a film it made me think of them.
Also don't think I would kick him out of bed if he was interested.  He is both sweet and cute, though as I say I think he is taken.
But as I say this is mainly about me being taken out for cheerup and it being enough Like a Date without Being a Date for me to think of Dating in general.  And not really coming up with a cheerful picture.
I never really did dating at all.  my relationships  have al sort of happened without it.  On the few occasions when I have dated ( Jo the Radiologist circa 1999 for instance) it has been disastrous, because I am ok at going, and the first half.  but I get increasingly uneasy as the date progresses and at the end basically run out of the door.  I could have ended up married to Jo but it was totally sabotaged by me not kissing her.  I can see this in retrospect but at the time....I just imagined she would let me know if i was supposed to.  And i think she was imagining the same.  It is a lesbian sheep scenario.  Sheep (ewes anyway) signal sexual willingness by standing around waiting to be mounted.  Lesbian sheep, therefore, have a Hellerian paradox when it comes to starting a clinch.  So farewell Jo.

I know people have suggested Grindr or similr for sex, and that isnt a totally out-there idea but essentially I don't want to have such a hard time (fnarr).  It is difficult for me to be around people and intimate with them.  So hooking up repeatedly with strangers... I would need drugs to do that.  And I am off the opiates pro tem and not wanting to be back on them until i neeeed to.

So then you have OKCupid and the dating sites.  which brings us back to dates.  and lesbian sheep.
I mean OK so I could hand out a card at the beginning saying if you want something you need to ask using your words because I am a freak, but that seems oddly pressuring and I suspect would ensure I didn't have to worry about it.  I also have a real problem with being put in the freak box.  I know I am a broken toy, without having everyone else treat me like one.

So my head is going to a don't try/ die alone scenario and thinking about moving the date of the latter forward a few years.

I cannot process the losses of the last few weeks.  I am forlorn of purpose, just marking time from appointment to appointment.  All that I lived and worked for is gone.  I have nothing else because I was working towards this.  I am sitting in the crumbling wreck of my life pretending it is normal.  It is like a post-apocalyptic comedy.  the Bed-Sitting Room comes to mind.  Occasionally I toy with moving on but I lack a reason for doing so.  Apart from just going through the motions. I eat because I am hungry.  I sleep because I am tired.  I care for foal because I care for foal.

I get dark patches.  I know that seems dark but it really isnt.  Yesterday morning I was in a local school while foal did trumpet thing with a millin other kids,  The parents were waiting around.  I saw dads with their large families and wanted to kill them out f shear jealousy.  All around me people were chattering awway and I had to concentrate hard on origami or anything else just to keep the noise and threat out.  one woman kept talking about "packed-up lunches" and I wanted to scream "it is a packed lunch you vapid whore, where did the up come from".

I was basically in a very bad place all afternoon.

Why?  because I had social interactions.

But I am human enough that my biology needs them.  I am desperately horny.  I get lonely.  The lament of the lesbian sheep through the millenia