What could I do more yeah I'm really not sure I know I'm running circles but I can't quit...

Ha, find that reference without googling or clicking...

It used to be a backing track on a Tony Hawks game.  Oddly I do have a slight taste for skaterpunk.

It has been a weekend in a hell of my own making.  Well there is the first lie right there, I didnt make it all but what the hey.

It is difficult to encapsulate my feelings on this one. But I am going to try.

Roll back to Friday evening when, if you recall, Ash took me out as an act of kindness to cheer me up.  I think I did ok in Human Emulation most of the way through, but on the way back home I  started with the verbal spew which is characteristic of nervousness on my part.  Kept rabbitting on about the weirder things I have done in the name of science (making transparent noses for example), and even though I could hear myself and was thinking "Shut up Inky" I couldnt do it.  poor Ash must have had a shit journey.
So then Friday night I was properly alone, MrsInky being away and foal at the Hutts place. Cue massive loneliness and depression.  Guilt.  Worthlessness. I watched telly, then porn, then more telly.  Finally got some sleep due to Mirtazapines caress.
So then Saturday was an early start after little sleep.  I was in withdrawn mode, not so much from the pills as from severe depression.  If you havent experienced this for yourself the closest is the Pink Floyd song Comfortably Numb.  I could respond to people but only with a time lag, and distractedly.
I had to take Foal to Band Camp ( local school music workshop) so picking her up from the Hutt had been what got me through the night.  I drove her there, she was anxious because her friend was going for the first time and she wanted to help him find things.  Foal is very caring for others.
So as I say I sit there surrounded by all these fecund people with their happy families and their perfect lives and I can feel myself getting more and more tense and sad and sad an tense and tense and ARAAARRRRRG.  Last time i felt like that was the day I lost my job and then had to go for an ultrasound.  I asked for a seat in a cubicle because madperson.  at Band Camp I just had to hang on with my fingernails.  The urge to violently self harm was so strong.
I got through it.  But the rest f Saturday was a write off.
Yesterday was not much better.  Foal and I did the normal stuff then went 10 pin bowling.  she is rather good and beat me first time.  second game  think she let me win. I put my hip out doing this though.
Then MrsInky came home.  She had been given shit by the Hutt and was crying.  I wanted so much to hold her and make it better.  But I am not allowed to do that any more.  The things she reported about what made her mother cross...I cannot process.  It seems the image they have of me is so warped and horrible...If I really seem that way to others then that is it, I am out of here.  Maybe they judge me by how they behave?
Anyway MrsInky being back meant I wasnt in charge any more.  Major danger.  I just sat there and cried.  So hard to believe that the woman I turned to for comfort for a decade doesnt want me any more.  So tough trying to be strong and amicable but just hurting hurting hurting all the time, my soul bleeding to death while we stand around and watch and be polite.
I was meant to be going to the gym, but this meant crossing the Orwell Bridge and that scared me.  Eventually I went.

A close run thing.
This pit I am in....I really cannot see a way out.