Think I know how a coyote feels When he's howling just to Ease the pain,

In a way I have always been two people. I think it is a science thing.  Let us call them Spock and Emo.
Spock runs my life.  He does not do emotions.  you give him a problem he looks up the most rational solution then serves it up with no value judgements and no pack drill.  problem--> solution.
Emo is normally pushed into a corner.  His responses are emotional and therefore unhelpful.  In any interaction Spock gets first dibs and Emo is only allowed out if time allows.  which it rarely does.
So in a crisis I am quite frequently saying to people "drop the emotion we don't have time for that" and then getting on with it while others are flapping around blaming and crying and stuff.

Even now this is the case.  I keep saying that filling in my diary keeps me alive.  This is because Spock runs the diary.  While he is in charge there aren't any emotions so it is great.  I wish he could run it all the time.  So I need a job, Spock is applying for jobs.  I need some comfort, Spock is browsing dating websites.  I need help with mental health, Spock takes me to the psychiatrist.

The psychiatrist sees this as signs of wanting to move on, signs of belief.

This isn't right.  Spock doesn't believe in anything, he selects the best match from available options. In fact if Spock did believe in anything he would be a total hindrance as a scientist.  I think this mindset is difficult for outsiders to assess.

Emo does not believe that help is there.  He is beyond despair into destructive behaviours.  Accessing Emo results in tears and helplessness and lashing out at walls etc in a pit of pure animal hurt.  Emo is currently like a slug in a box of salt, squirming and dissolving in a world of pain.

Spock is getting desperate.  the problems he is being given are basically "how do i kill myself painlessly" and " how can I get myself locked away" which even Spock can recognise as unhelpful.

So with the psych, like today, when they ask how I am emo comes up and I start crying.  then when they ask what I want from them Spock pops out and answers rationally and in a controlled way.  So I appear to be coping.  Not typicallly depressed.

Actually my trajectory...It is like a chess player trying to play for a stalemate when someone keeps removing his pieces from the board, limiting his options into smaller and smaller pieces of the playing area.

I am currently down to a pawn and a broken horsey.

All I can think about is death.  Emo wants it and its about the only move Spock has left.  This may be adjustment disorder or whatever.  I do not think I can survive it.  The psych keeps talking about accessing the emotional side.  this is the opposite of what I want.  If I could arrange never to access that madness again I would be so much better off.