Out of reach, so far,...

So this week underlined a few things.
The trip to Denmark was interesting, and shows how much of my work could be applied to food science etc.  except I now have no way of applying it.  Also the strain of the trip was huge.
My freinds keep coming up with ideas of what I should do next and each one fills me with more horror and despair than the last.  I cannot cope with the notion.  I dont want another career.  I dont want to go into industry because i know I would have no aptitude for it at all.  been there, tried that.  i do not care about making money.  Just do not care.
My brother kept saying "do something you enjoy".  I was.
I havent enjoyed anything else apart from sex for a long time, and I wouldnt make much as a hooker,
My dad is pointing out we need to sort out switzerland and move my stuff out.  I know this.  but it gives me panic attacks just thinking about it.  Because then it is real.
All the way back home from somerset I was daydreaming wee would get back, have a nice tea with mrsinky, then it would be so nice and friendly she would change her mind and it wouldnt be real.
From the minute i walked in teh door she was fucking livid with me for taking up space in the house, for making noise (we had kfc, involving rattly packets.  she finishes hers first, then stares at me and sighs for being rattly), for supporting her when foal threw a tantrum, for not supporting her when she and foal had a run in this morning....she clearly despises me.
I don't want to live.  Really just don't.  I am having to go to a "family" do tonight for the inlaws to celebrate foalmas.  after that ...well my intention is just to stop eating.  Normally I only last a few days on that before i give in.  but lets see how it goes.
Date has been texting.  he was confused by migraine delay. but I dont want to inflict myself on him in this state.  God knows how I am going to get through tonight.  Ive asked if mrsinky wants me there but she says foal does.
Physio...well movement in shoulder is better so have been given more exercises.  The physio, who is extremely beddable, kept struggling with my lack of proprioception.  I kept saying increase the load because i can feel tired, i cannot feel position.  His demos are entertaining.  One exercise he showed me- the starting position is essentially the classic "come and shag me doggy style" position from gay porn.  And very good he looked too. he showed me the easy one, then was nonplussed when i said that the complex one gave me too many things to think about.  for him motion is automatic.  for me it is all deliberate.  so kneeling on all fours then lifting two limbs is enough to think about.  moving as well makes me fall over.
He said, in a nice way, that it was like training a stroke victim.  I said very much, except stroke victims have no badd habits to overwright.  ALL of my movement patterns are bad habits, as I never had the feedback.