But worse still was going to Band Camp. It was full of Dads with multi kids, being all rugge and dependable andd part of a family. I tried watching films on my tablet, I tried doing origami. But my heart broke every time I looked up and comtemplated the depth of my failure. I really am flapping around loose. No anchor.
We went into town afterwards. Bought a comic book each ( Guardians of the Galaxy omnibus for me.) I got a cookery book about bread. Then on the way home got stuff for tea.
Mrsinky rang and I broke down in tears. I really am very depressed. All the coping stuff is autopilot.
tried cooking therapy...
Crackling pork
Boston baked beans
(2 tins of cannelini beans, a knuckle of ham, one star anise, 4 cloves, 6 cracked coriander seeds, i tbs mustard, 4 tbs molasses. cook 160 c 3 hrs.)
Butter toffee popcorn.(do popcorn. heat 4 oz caster sugar in pan until it is golden brown liquid. take off heat and stir in 2oz butter. it foams like hell, keep it stirrred till it dies down a bt, then tip into popcorn. stir. tip popcorn out onto non stick paper, separate, cool. nom)
Not Homemade: torturillas. red cabbage sour cream dip.
Also bikkit:
(3oz wholemeal flour, i oz plain flour, 1tsp baking soda, 1 oz oatmeal pinch of salt, 1tbs dark brown sugar 2oz butter, a little milk oven 180c)
mix dry stuff, rub in the fat, add milk to bring together. knead on floured worktop. roll out to 3 mm thick, cut into shape, bake on sheet 15mins till golden.
Chocolate chip splodges
(3oz plain flour, 1/2 tsp salt, 1/2 tsp baking powder, 4oz butter, 2oz caster sugar, 2oz brown sugar, 1 egg, 1/2tsp vanilla essence, 3 oz choc chips, oven 180c)
creeam butter and sugar, beat in egg and essence. add rdy ingredientts and mix. splodge teaspoons onto a tray, cook 10 mins till golden. but they spread like b;ue buggery so space em out.
That was all fuel for a Lord of the Rings marathon. Foal is loving it so far. Am trying to explain it is the story of smeagol. Or of Sam. Frodo is just incidental.
It helps ease the pain for a while. till I stop. then it comes back. and it hurts so badly. I feel I am bleeding to death from the sorrow. Is there Balm in Gilead?
Also today my joints were so bad I used a wheelchair in Tesco. I have been in so much pain.
So sorry, of course it's hurting like hell emotionally, that's horribly normal for anyone in this situation. But it's not you who's failed, please don't say that.
ReplyDeleteI understand cooking therapy and there's some good stuff above. Tonight I cooked a very fine stroganoff with some excellent well-aged rump steak, beaten out satisfyingly.
Also pleased that despite foal's initial stroppiness she was enjoying LOTR marathon with you.
And now it's time to raise a morphine Tanqueray cocktail to you again.
Lx
I do appreciate an adult arena where we can talk of the satisfaction inherent in beating meat.
ReplyDeleteThere's a Tales of the Unexpected type of chill in Deagol's fate, it's Smeagol's insistence that he deserves the ring because it's his birthday-a poster-boy for the entitled demographic..
Constant imagery of people desperately trying to manipulate the ring is troubling
ReplyDeleteSomewhere deep below the Misty Mountains,
ReplyDelete'But what hass it gots in its pocketss?'
Zzzzip
'Oh!'