a pocketful of mumbles, such are promises

So as is increasingly the case I am in Costa. Again with the cafe hotties though one is the manager so I cannot easily add a snap.  However enough to look at.
Yesterday my mood was not good.  I had significant small muscle tremor by 5pm, which may have been somatic or not ( I am increasingly worried by neurological symptoms but know that depression can give them too) and was weeping in a chair for a couple of hours.  In the end i went out on a chocolate buying run just to have thingtodo, bought some gin and downed 1/3 bottle with a garnish of bitter lemon and a zopiclone.  So adieu consciousness.
Today I am not hung over as such though lots of things are taking longer than they should and i feel neurologically dodgy...but then this is less worrying than yesterday as I have a proximal cause.
I am very keen on trying to sort out at least one paper and the rest of the trashy novel I have been inflicting on perce every so often.  Or at least I am keen upp till the point of doing something about it then I fail.
Yesterday I had made up my mind to dump Date. Simply to minimise the damage I did to him.  i cannot form a mental picture that involves me being alive in a years time and he deserves more than that.
I went into town to pick up new contacts.  glasses drive me insane but lenses do too.  the free trial of 5 pairs is not enough for me to try and get used to the horrific feeling of eyefulness from the lenses so have orderd 30 pairs to give it a fair go.  If this fails will try to have eyes lasered.  Problem is the acuity I am used to is very very high.  so I am asking them to give me back above normal vision.  true to my neurology my brain cannot process multifocals, or glasses or any other vision trick as anything other than a nausea inducing obstacle to sight.  as we speak I am trying to look round the edges of the obstacle in front of my eyes (glasses) as my brain is telling me over and over it is in the way.  Maddening.
yesterdays physio, who told me that training me was like training a stroke victim because of proprioceptive lack, has kinda stuck in my head.  there is an asimov story where a kid with CP is hooked up to a virtual link to a rover on mars and can suddenly run and play because he is on the right planet at last.  I am waiting to find out what fucking planet I was supposed to be on.  I suspect it was that one from Stargate SG-1 which was falling into a black hole.
Zoodlewurdle.
Tonight foal and I will be doing experimental pasties.  but to go with it Inkys Patented really easy leek and potato soup, which I think I have posted before... but here goes.
You need:
Leeks,
Potato
ready meal mash
stock
butter or oil.

remove green tops from leeks.  make up the stock hot and allow leek tops to add their distinctiveness to it.  Cut the leekwhites into rings, sweat on VERY low heat in the butter until soft but NOT BROWN, OH GOD HELP YOU IF THE LEEKS BROWN.
cube the potatos about 1cm on a side, add to the pan and toss in the fat.  grind in black pepper.  also season with herbs of choice.  dill is excellent here, as, oddly is lavender.  lovage too.  or sage.  i shall be saging it.
as soon as the flavour of the herbs have infused out ( you will smell it) add the stock to take the level up...i suggest normally about2-3 times the volume of solids.  heat it up.
simmer for 10 mins till the cubes are soft, then thicken by stirring in the ready meal mash.
a pot of sour cream is a nice finish but you do not have to.
garnishes such as thin sliced kabanos, bacon cubes, chives, dill, small trained swimming sheep, bread dumplings, etc are optional.
eat with a spoon and a slurp.