So, I was going to get a title from Nobodys Diarybut this one is playing in Costa so here we go.
I have been in Scandiwegia for a day or two so it has been a no blog zone. This was a talk that my friend whom we shall call Brent and I had arranged early in the year whenI still had a life. I kept him apprised of all the developements and he said go ahead anyway so I did.
Well I say apprised, I hadnt come out to him yet, though I did this weekend. Just because so many now mnow I am bisexual that it was better than he find out otherwise. Hjs reaction was basically "you were bi but totalky faithfull, why should Mrsinky care" and also " I dont give a fuck, is that whiskey you are holding?"
Remember he is under the scandiwegian booze blockade...
Anyhoo he and i go back 20 years or so. He was a junior in the lab where I did my Ph.D. and was bullied after I left (noone gets bullied where I can see it) but had a very very successful industry career. Has now been brought in to academia to industrify the research.
So these guys are food science, and thats an open goal. Microfluidics has not been applied to food science at all. So anything you do is publishable.
My big problem was concealing my current difficulties.
Anyhoo lots of lovely discussions. Nice blue sky thinking. Vague possibility of a job though thats very low likelihood. Lots of reminiscing.
Brent has gone slightly conspiracy theory wingnut but its entertaining. Much beer. Also Oban whisky and good meals in Malmo, where I havent been for a decade.
Before I went date, whom I shall have to speudonymise soon, introduced me to his lovely dog. Dog is a boxer, very characterful, lovely friendly thing. But i managed to bork a shoulder in meeting him. Still not sure Dates exepctations andmine coincide.
Flight over was ok but flight back was hell. Queueing system at copenhagen is awful. Next time im taking a chair.
Tonjght foal and i repair to Somerzet.
Yesterday was a sofa day. But also....mrsinky rang and was talkkng about foals birthday next week. She was talking about getting separate presents. And it brought it back. I am living in denial. Im doing nkthing pretending its all ok. When i get a reminder of what my situation actually is...I fold. I cannot process it.
If it continues as is...well I have sick pay till Feb 2017. Then I will kill myself. Looking at it rationally I think thats the best solutoon all round.
Ps photo includes todays cafe hotty. This guys back sings s he moves.
If sick pay running out is the thing that'll precipitate you offing yourself, go NOW and apply for PIP/ESA. Then there's no !I will have no money after this time". You'll be poor as shit, but you won't literally starve, and with that and the money raised from selling your old place you'll easily be able to afford a new one, which may be smaller, but nicer.
ReplyDeleteYou can't just hide an "I'm going to kill myself" in between talk about old friends and conferences and a photo of beef cattle and expect we won't notice.
Brent sounds like a good friend - And even if it is bluesky thinking, being able to piss around in an entire scientific field where your knowledge is leaps and bounds ahead of anyone else's must be a tonic for the ego. I await the slimemould souffle with interest.
It is not the money. I could glom off parents etc...
ReplyDeleteIts the fact that after that point I couldnt pretend I still had a point. As of now I am pretending I am still married, pretending I am still a scientist, pretending I still have a reason to be here.
The reality is quite different.
Feb17 is when the last of that pretence runs out.
Would you be this harsh on anyone else? By your rhetoric, I don't have a point either - I'm unemployed, no family, no grand plan to make the world a better place or even a vague idea of what to do with my life, just sitting here tinkering with toys, draining NHS money and trying not to suffer too much day-to-day - A bit of a hiding-to-nothing what with the physical and mental ruin that I am. So my reasons for existing ran out long ago. Should I just schedule in a date with a full bottle of morphine and a deep bath too?
ReplyDeleteMake it the 30th and I'll stand by with your own Tachi to (de)cap it all. Also, I do not think that you have taken on board my earlier lesson about the chicken.
ReplyDeleteI am not prescribing for others. But for me, doing things for me has never been enough. I have no ambition. I worked in order to keep mrsinky. I have no reasons left.
ReplyDeleteWith mrsinky i found soneone who needed me. So i had a reason. A reason to endure the torment. Now i just have extra torment and broken promises.
I cant deal. Cant deal at all.
Inky, I am not trying to be harsh, but in what world is Foal not a reason? Is losing her father to suicide an ideal 'solution' for Foal?
ReplyDeleteI must confess, moving on, that Mrs Inky's proposal of separate presents really took me aback. It seemed such a horrible notion, and so unnecessary.
All best love as always, Cathy ♥