...sharing a drink they call loneliness cos its better than drinking alone

I love that song. Time was I would busk it on the guitar. But its one of the ones like passengers let her go and phil collins against all odds that I find inexpressibly painful at the moment.
The problem is that everything is painful. I watched the end of LOTR and sam goes home to his family. But it seems I am Frodo. I put in all that work then get stuck on a ship with a bunch of ancient hippies and pushed off yhe edge of yhe world because I have outlived my usefulnesz.
Everywhere there are families. Fathers with young children. Babies. Lovers.
The ache inside me to be a father again is so deep. I feel I failed to be there for Foal or Mrsinky. Failed through trying to keep them happy. Failure is the only word I can see right now.
Just recently saw Monsters: The Dark Continent. I can recommend it though it is harrowing. Thr monsters are incidental. So many themes of family and the joy of fatherhood and tribe.
I have been dipping into lgbt chat sites to try and get a social life. Even a meetup for coffee would be good.
If you want dark dip in . ince you get rid of the idiots with cock on their mind the loneliness and loss is so awfull.
I see why I was closetted to everyone for so long. I should have held the door tighter closed. The freedom to be yourself is a weapon that cuts the user worse than any damage it does to others you gain a little peace and lose everything. If I was a dolphin i would just vlose my blowhole. Breathing is voluntary for them.