Too late to fix another drink, the lights are going out

So it has been a ridiculously awful few days. Ihave been feeling vile. Sunshine always makes me feel ill in a sort of flulike way and this has been bad. But on top of this my mood has been grim.
The old blackness returned on Thursday after a meeting with the Central IDT, my MH team, where they again refused to exckude Dr Snidearse from my case. This now makes 4 weeks of no support because I cannot discuss things with them if i cannot trust them, and i cannit trust them if she us involved.
That led to a grim night. Then a grim day.
Then Friday night I Was due out. Mrsinky rang and asked if I minded if she and Foal stayed at her boyfriends. Answer yes I minded. But I said ask Foal. And apparently foal said yes.
I kept myself busy as long as I could. Watched Terminator Genisys (do not bother) and then went home.
Alone.
I started crying as I left the cinema. I didnt stop.
They were off being a family. I was completely useless, replaced, rejected.
I have a box of trazodone at home. 2pills of that made me feel like death. I was willing to bet the box would do the trick.
Dr snidearse has left me with no support, no prn meds, nothing.
I rang the emergency line for MH patients and talked to a nurse there. She tried, bless her. She obviously isnt used to dealing with people like me. Kept saying we have a duty to care for ourselves and being stumped when I asked why.
But i talked to her for a few hours. Then a choice of a and e or 2 codeine and a pint of vodka. Guess.
Next day was Foals school fete. Got through it, then collapsed all pm. Then we did film n mezze. Hobbit on sky.
I really really want to die. Really.