This space intentionally gloomy

I have not posted in a while because I have had a lot of distractions. It has been my time to take Foal on Holiday.  As ever this was a cobbled together thing from the start.  I have been too ill to contemplate booking something and so have ended up at my parents place in Somerset.
There are lots of things to do here.  We have visited Glastonbury, and Bath (the Roman baths), had a day on Lilstock beach and spent a night camping under the stars.

And indeed during this time I have had some lovely times with Foal. She has had her moments of grim, to be sure.  She is on the edge of adolescence and that's tricky for everyone.  But there have been some bits that are lovely.  So this impromptu holiday is working out ok.
So on the whole I should be relaxing and enjoying life.
But... you knew there was a but, right?
I have now been taking Bupropion for rather a longish time, nearly 4 weeks.  To be fair it hasn't had any noticeable side effects.  But it hasn't actually had any other effects either.  I have been depressed.
 Well that is a bit of an understatement.  Day 3 here was Lilstock.  Went with my brothers family, (SIL, Nephew, Niece, Nieces BF, brother), had beach BBQ.  Went exploring the old ruins at Lilstock.

Even sunbathed a bit. SIL being shocked at Oliver the Dragon Tattoo, and tactfully asking if it was a drunken bet. (means nothing by it.  raised by wolves)
My brother was there with his family.  His happy, normal family.  His complete, happy, normal family.
I wanted to die.
I am so convinced that this is the last time I will see foal in this way.  I am also not over the loss of my dream.  My dream was sitting by the fire in a family home, with my wife and children around me.  It was a small dream, but it was mine.  And it is dead.
And so am I.
Dead inside, just waiting for this to stop.
Day before yesterday my shoulder came out in a fairly decisive way.  I cannot support the weight of my arm on it for long.  I am walking around with a sling to rest it a bit. But of course this is putting  strain on my back.  The pain in various places is very strong.
Last night I slept in a tent with Foal, because she wanted to.  It was on her list for this holiday.  Of course that did my joints no good at all.  But actually it was the dreams.  I dreamt that I was losing my job.  I was in the bosses office pleading to keep it, arguing about what I did for him.  But then he sacked me.
It was a nightmare.  I woke drenched in sweat, panting.
But unlike most nightmares it didn't stop.  It was the truth of course.
Today I have been very depressed indeed.  Took Foal to Forbidden Planet, bought some comic books. All the way there I wanted to die.  Not kill myself just die.  The words "...and then he killed himself" kept coming into my head and they felt so welcome and right.  All day I have been walking around, and every time there was a pleasure trigger (muscly bloke, pert young lady, smiley barista) I got a mental voice telling me that no, I cannot have anything like that because I am going to die.
I am holding myself together with spit and sellotape to try and be normal for Foal and the parents.  Trying to get through to the end of this holiday.
Some of my friends have been trying to contact me, but I  cannot speak to them.  I feel hounded by them.  I have no strength to give them, and cannot accept strength from them.  I went for dinner at Cherie's place and that was nice, and chatty etc.  But that was Fake Inky.  I was playing my "I can socialise, look I am normal" role.  I am happy Cherie is in a stable relationship now.  I envy her bloke of course.  But I can see she gets a good deal there.  But in a way Cherie is a reminder of all the wrong turns I have taken in my life, to end up here.
I am planning  a backpacking trip.  Just me, what I can carry and the wilderness.  I will go into the desert.
Who knows, I may even come out.