I have trust issues.
This is something of an understatement of course. I do not really trust anyone at all.
It is difficult to explain how this works but I can trust some people to some extent in rigidly defined roles. If the encounter has rules in it and preferably a punitive framework for deviance from those rules then I can happily relate.
The more freeform the interaction the more I avoid it. So for example I can socialise with people at work over coffee. But I cannot go to a party or a pub with them. If I am forced to from the minute I walk in I will be looking for the route out.
Within my life I am habitually secretive. I never volunteer information. I also do not seek out comment from others about any aspect of my life or appearance and should such be proferred I make it plain that I do not want it, with varying degrees of politeness. I find people knowing what I am doing or where I am going very distressing. For a while I maintained a facebook page but it was basically like being raped every morning. I still have it but it is blank and maintained solely to police any mention of me and to force others to remove photos and mentions of me.
This makes living with me very hard. Mrsinky knows she is forbidden to put things about me on facebook. She puts her whole life there...its a problem. She cannot understand how I can talk to her mother for 20 mins and divulge no info. Its easy. I never volunteer information and if asked for some normally lie or tell a misleading truth.
Tonight mrsinky got thrown into my world of wierd. She let my parents kniw, by accident, that I had a tattoo done. I flipped. This meant I felt i couldnt talk to them anymore because I had no interest in any of the likely conversations and they would all end with me shouting.
To make matters worse I was due down tomorrow.
I know I have been unreasonable. But I need to control the threat that people pose and it is the only way I know.
RantingScienceZebra The rantings of a bitter, twisted, sometimes crippled and rather mad scientist
Sunday 29 March 2015
Trust in me, just in meeeee...
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Good morning inky, I understand what you say....and why you were upset about the tattoo disclosure, but I am feeling lots of cognitive dissonance going on here. I hope it is OK if I explain.
ReplyDelete1. You say that you 'never volunteer information' but you have a blog which is extremely frank about your mental state. Information doesn't come much more personal than that!
2. You say you reject comment on your life from others, yet I have presumed to comment on your blog and have not (yet) been slapped down for doing so.
3. You say Facebook felt horrifically exposing....yet Facebook can be made private to those you choose to admit to your confidence....while a blog like this one cannot be restricted in that way.
I'm not denying your feelings - you feel what you feel, of course, and the tattoo disclosure clearly was very distressing to you. But I am (gently) questioning your narrative about not really trusting anyone at all, ever. It may be a 'story' that has outlived its own validity.
I am in great fear that you will now shut down your blog. Please don't do that. But I am experiencing you as a friend as more trusting and open than you say. That is all.
Much love
Cathy ♥
Rigidly defined roles innit? This is my place. I control the horizontal etc.
ReplyDeleteFacebook continually demands info from you and occasionally resets privacy settings. It also needs you to link with people you know, who are, therefore a threat.
This space links with people i dont know who dont exist and are therefore not a threat.
Its a fine balance dont mess with it
As you like it.
ReplyDeleteFB never demands info from me that I am compelled to release - it keeps asking where I live, and I ignore it. It guesses Billericay. It is wrong.
I did have a ruckus once with a Buddhist priest, who sent me a friend request, and than after 2 weeks changed her mind and abruptly un-friended me, with no explanation. Her timeline revealed that she had cut the crap out of her FB life, by un-friending people she didn't like. I was not particularly chuffed about that.
However, to conclude, if you are happy here and feel I don't exist, I am cool with that!
Cathy xxxx
Interesting. Yes, I do understand that blogs are under the owner's complete control, and therefore "safe". And mentioning your tatto to your parents was little thoughtless IMO.
ReplyDeleteAlso, the above conversation reminds me of my BS signature; Cathy wrote the first part, followed by my original reply:
"Lysistrata - I didn't know she was a fictional comic character." "Of course I'm a fictional comic character. I don't exist and never have."
(and gives me a chance to test if manual html works in these comments.)
Lx
*Blush* How ignorant of me to say that!!!! I know much better now of course. Obviously, you are around 2,500 years old, and a highly comic invention. :)
DeleteIn many ways you are zoetrope of a galloping horse with a broad wit and libido to me. I'm distantly aware that there's a real bloke at a keyboard making his fingers hit the (often correct) keys, but that's only when I analyse it, not how it feels. Mind you, as someone shy enough to lurk on BS for 9 years before joining in, that's a perfectly acceptable level of intimacy for me.
ReplyDeleteMy son loves the Jungle Book, and was not worried by any threat of violence by Kaa. He reckons Kaa wants to 'love' Mowgli, re watching the scene, he may be right.
NINE YEARS????? What were you doing all that time. Pointing and laughing I expect. *Blush*
ReplyDelete*Kinks*
ReplyDeleteI'm a lurcher, not a pointer.
But you whippet out and make a poodle every so often...
DeleteHee hee.
Delete