I'm your only friend; I'm not your only friend, but I'm a little glowing friend, but really I'm not actually your friend

There are a multitude of things wrong with me.
Well any poor soul who has read my rantings so far will have tumbled to that, but for once I am not going to lead off with my physical woes here.  I mean mentally.
I don't have an ongoing diagnosis other than occasional Major Depression for a simple reason:  several times I have been assessed by psychologists as part of induction to some treatment or other on the NHS (where if you want your ingrowing toenail removed they do a psych evaluation to make sure you won't miss it) and they tended to all come back with very similar tentative diagnoses. My doctor and I looked up the treatments available for them ( none) and decided that a label wasn't necessary or desirable.
But if you want a ballpark area then if you have schizoid personality disorder in mind then you probably aren't far away from the truth. I don't socialise.  I mean I really don't. The last social event I went to without being forced to by my wife or work was probably my wedding ten years ago.  And even then you could say there was a certain coercion involved.
People trigger a threat response in me.  I can't close my eyes with people around.  I don't like going to spaces where people are.  I prefer very formal, codified situations ( lectures for example are ok- its got rules).  Put me in a box with people and you have about 2 hrs before I will go nuts just to escape.
My first thought when entering a party is always the same ..."when can i leave?"
All of which would be fine if I was happy with this.  But I am not.  I'm fucking miserable.  And lonely.
Add all that to the EDS, a childhood of peer abuse and bullying and its a lovely mix.  One of the reasons i react so badly to the idea of there being a God is that I wouldn't want to see what I would do to the fucker if I met him.
Until recently I had a social outlet I could cope with.  It was an online forum which i joined almost by accident about 5 years ago and slowly came to spend a lot of time in.  The people there were not real people you see, they lived in the pixels of the PC screen. They were safe.
Over time, the board, which had been very confrontational in a right-on sixth form activist kind of way came to be a more caring place, with several threads devoted to caring for others and offering support.  As this coincided with my disabilities worsening you can imagine that this was very welcome.
The problem is it was not welcome to everyone.  A number of the sixth form activists really rather resented this.  Every time a fight erupted on the board they would suggest that getting rid of the support threads would be task 1 for a cleanup.  Their conception of the board was very different from mine or others.  I honestly could not tell you who was right.
Well you can probably see where this is going? One of the sixth formers and I got into a tussle.  He regarded himself as having a direct and forthright manner in debate.  I thought he was needlessly cruel, callous and obscene in his turn of phrase and quite vicious about it too.  I had said so many times in the past, gently at first.  Well recently there was a tussle, the normal suggestion was made and I objected to it.  This morphed rapidly into a situation where it felt like every time I posted on any thread the sixth former was there shouting abuse at me.
The discussion was long and tedious.  From my perspective he was unable to admit that he could possibly be wrong in any way.  His behaviour towards me I regard as simple bullying.  And I should Know.  It was the same attitude I got from my abusers.
After the first block of this I was crying and shaking in my office.  I had to lock the door so no-one could see me.  The moderators asked for a break for reflection.  He started again on another thread. I ended up self harming.  That night I overdosed on pills and alcohol.  I don't know if it was deliberate or not.  Could be either.
I went back to the board the next morning to find he had started up again.  And the people that I had cared about...well i m not sure what i wanted.  some kind of reaction.  But really, nothing happened.  Ripples in a pond. So i said goodbye.
The thing is that what i was saying goodbye to was people.  It turns out that people are never safe.  It was an illusion.  I suppose I should thank him for finally making me face the truth.  I may want to open up to people and interact with them, but it is a horrifically dangerous thing to do.  In truth it only leads to pain.
At least confiding in this blog is a mite safer.  I am the only person who ever reads it.