dont it always seem to go

it turns out that the scapulothoracic joint or scapulocostal joint is one of those things you dont know what you got till its gone.  Joni mitchell bit me in the back tonight.  I was making more garibaldis (nom) and experimenting again towards rich tea (ack.  so near but so far) after a day of activity.
To be honest my day health wise has been a warning of sorts.  i havee had neurasthenial episodes and also a lot of trouble with my temporomandibular muscle group in exhaustion.  And visual distortions and disautonomia.  Ive been worried this heralds a downturn.  or given migraine the other day something worse.
mrsinky is out tonight and i am on sole foal duty.  so we did pasties aerlier to go with soup (cheese, onion, potato and thyme flower in one, pear sage and stilton in the other) which nommed.  as soon a foal hit bed I started biscuiting.
Anyway i bend down to get them out of the oven and the scapulocostal on the right pops upwards and sticks.  I hit the floor, still holding hot biscuit tray.
did you know you move your shoulder to stand upright.  i now walk like a lower case r.  it is...awkward.
fuck this disease in the arse

a pocketful of mumbles, such are promises

So as is increasingly the case I am in Costa. Again with the cafe hotties though one is the manager so I cannot easily add a snap.  However enough to look at.
Yesterday my mood was not good.  I had significant small muscle tremor by 5pm, which may have been somatic or not ( I am increasingly worried by neurological symptoms but know that depression can give them too) and was weeping in a chair for a couple of hours.  In the end i went out on a chocolate buying run just to have thingtodo, bought some gin and downed 1/3 bottle with a garnish of bitter lemon and a zopiclone.  So adieu consciousness.
Today I am not hung over as such though lots of things are taking longer than they should and i feel neurologically dodgy...but then this is less worrying than yesterday as I have a proximal cause.
I am very keen on trying to sort out at least one paper and the rest of the trashy novel I have been inflicting on perce every so often.  Or at least I am keen upp till the point of doing something about it then I fail.
Yesterday I had made up my mind to dump Date. Simply to minimise the damage I did to him.  i cannot form a mental picture that involves me being alive in a years time and he deserves more than that.
I went into town to pick up new contacts.  glasses drive me insane but lenses do too.  the free trial of 5 pairs is not enough for me to try and get used to the horrific feeling of eyefulness from the lenses so have orderd 30 pairs to give it a fair go.  If this fails will try to have eyes lasered.  Problem is the acuity I am used to is very very high.  so I am asking them to give me back above normal vision.  true to my neurology my brain cannot process multifocals, or glasses or any other vision trick as anything other than a nausea inducing obstacle to sight.  as we speak I am trying to look round the edges of the obstacle in front of my eyes (glasses) as my brain is telling me over and over it is in the way.  Maddening.
yesterdays physio, who told me that training me was like training a stroke victim because of proprioceptive lack, has kinda stuck in my head.  there is an asimov story where a kid with CP is hooked up to a virtual link to a rover on mars and can suddenly run and play because he is on the right planet at last.  I am waiting to find out what fucking planet I was supposed to be on.  I suspect it was that one from Stargate SG-1 which was falling into a black hole.
Zoodlewurdle.
Tonight foal and I will be doing experimental pasties.  but to go with it Inkys Patented really easy leek and potato soup, which I think I have posted before... but here goes.
You need:
Leeks,
Potato
ready meal mash
stock
butter or oil.

remove green tops from leeks.  make up the stock hot and allow leek tops to add their distinctiveness to it.  Cut the leekwhites into rings, sweat on VERY low heat in the butter until soft but NOT BROWN, OH GOD HELP YOU IF THE LEEKS BROWN.
cube the potatos about 1cm on a side, add to the pan and toss in the fat.  grind in black pepper.  also season with herbs of choice.  dill is excellent here, as, oddly is lavender.  lovage too.  or sage.  i shall be saging it.
as soon as the flavour of the herbs have infused out ( you will smell it) add the stock to take the level up...i suggest normally about2-3 times the volume of solids.  heat it up.
simmer for 10 mins till the cubes are soft, then thicken by stirring in the ready meal mash.
a pot of sour cream is a nice finish but you do not have to.
garnishes such as thin sliced kabanos, bacon cubes, chives, dill, small trained swimming sheep, bread dumplings, etc are optional.
eat with a spoon and a slurp.

Out of reach, so far,...

So this week underlined a few things.
The trip to Denmark was interesting, and shows how much of my work could be applied to food science etc.  except I now have no way of applying it.  Also the strain of the trip was huge.
My freinds keep coming up with ideas of what I should do next and each one fills me with more horror and despair than the last.  I cannot cope with the notion.  I dont want another career.  I dont want to go into industry because i know I would have no aptitude for it at all.  been there, tried that.  i do not care about making money.  Just do not care.
My brother kept saying "do something you enjoy".  I was.
I havent enjoyed anything else apart from sex for a long time, and I wouldnt make much as a hooker,
My dad is pointing out we need to sort out switzerland and move my stuff out.  I know this.  but it gives me panic attacks just thinking about it.  Because then it is real.
All the way back home from somerset I was daydreaming wee would get back, have a nice tea with mrsinky, then it would be so nice and friendly she would change her mind and it wouldnt be real.
From the minute i walked in teh door she was fucking livid with me for taking up space in the house, for making noise (we had kfc, involving rattly packets.  she finishes hers first, then stares at me and sighs for being rattly), for supporting her when foal threw a tantrum, for not supporting her when she and foal had a run in this morning....she clearly despises me.
I don't want to live.  Really just don't.  I am having to go to a "family" do tonight for the inlaws to celebrate foalmas.  after that ...well my intention is just to stop eating.  Normally I only last a few days on that before i give in.  but lets see how it goes.
Date has been texting.  he was confused by migraine delay. but I dont want to inflict myself on him in this state.  God knows how I am going to get through tonight.  Ive asked if mrsinky wants me there but she says foal does.
Physio...well movement in shoulder is better so have been given more exercises.  The physio, who is extremely beddable, kept struggling with my lack of proprioception.  I kept saying increase the load because i can feel tired, i cannot feel position.  His demos are entertaining.  One exercise he showed me- the starting position is essentially the classic "come and shag me doggy style" position from gay porn.  And very good he looked too. he showed me the easy one, then was nonplussed when i said that the complex one gave me too many things to think about.  for him motion is automatic.  for me it is all deliberate.  so kneeling on all fours then lifting two limbs is enough to think about.  moving as well makes me fall over.
He said, in a nice way, that it was like training a stroke victim.  I said very much, except stroke victims have no badd habits to overwright.  ALL of my movement patterns are bad habits, as I never had the feedback.

Betty davies eyes...

Monday we went walking at Priddy. I am a bit shocked at how late some plants are. There were still bluebells out ffs and this should be nearly orchid time. Still we walked around through the mineries, then up through the two barrow cemeteries. Not hot day but enough to give oliver his first taste of suntan. Saw a dead sloworm and much frog action.
So Monday night asI said I was round at Cheries with her and Mr Cherie. She served a lovely meatball tagine and we played Cards Against Humanity. We talked long and late. Cherie may be going through jobchange too but is in rather a better position. She was always tougher than me.
It was very good to see her, and to see her happy. She and MrCherie seem to have an accord.
So then yesterday I woke with a slight headache and thought i would sleep it off.
OMG.
I think this was my first migraine in 25 years. Photophobic, head bursting, vomiting. Well retching because i can no longer vomit due to lack of stomach.
Gentle reader have you ever vomited without a stomach?
Dont
Poor old foal. We were meant to be driving back so that she could be home for her birthday. I couldnt move all day. So foal had  a small party here with more to come.
So happy birthday to foal.

i don't know why I call him Gerald

So today the joints could move but much pain. Despite this I managed to do a few things. Mainly managed to feel very depressed. Really just wanting to die. Being here means I can turn off, no responsibilities etc. But at the same time that means mr brain, who hates me summons emo. And emo wants to die.
It doesnt help my sleeping pills are still in suffolk. So have been using theakstons.
Anyway today I rang Cherie. Cherie and I have been friends since I was 4. Had we gone to a sensible school that didnt traumatise me we would have married. She has a similar brain to mine, cooks as well but with more attention to presentation and has enormous tits.
However we were both fucked over by the same school. By the time I recovered enough to want to try relationship she was gone. We kept meeting up. There was sex. We did everything wrong. But one of us will bury the other.
Cherie has generally not done much relating, but she is in a relationship now with a really nice guy. So I am not ringing up for rebound sex. More to let her know whats going on. Mrsinky let everyone BUT her know you see.
Mrsinky has always been jealous of  her. Fair dos she was my first love. Broke my heart. When she and I meet we talk like...well very old friends. In a way perce, who gets a load of my artistic witter, has met her and she is impressive. But I never gave mrsinky cause to fear. All meetings she was present, for that reason. Mrsinky reckons Cherie will be on me like flies on shit.
It wont happen. Cheries bloke treats her well and she hasnt had much of that. He is good for her.
Do I love her? Hell yes. But in a different heartspace to Mrsinky.
Anyway, I am going round for tea tomorrow. With both of them. It feels like I am just letting her know why. In case she wonders, later.
Anyway today cooked tea. Involved baalamb. In heaven there is a baalamb that is happily telling its friends how it tasted.
To make it you need leg of baalamb rosemary, lovage, marjoram, onion, mushrooms, apple jelly, dijon mustard.
Oven to 180c
Stab leg deeply all over inserting rosemary into stabs. Slice an onion and 3 mushrooms into a roasting tin, then put the rack on top. Line the centre of the rack with onion, then lovage and marjoram sprigs then lay leg on top. Make a paste of dijon mustard and apple jelly, and some nutmeg. apply thickly to leg. Allow to dry, using hairdryer if in a rush. Cook for 1.5 to 2 hrs. Rest meat and deglaze pan for traditional gravy. Simmer with lumpy bits for best flavour.
Pudding was a pear pie. Sjortcrust top and bottom. Filling equal weights fresh pears and sultanas, teaspoon ginger, sprinkle brown sugar, lemon zest, lemon juice. Play with proportions. This too shall nom.
In other news foal learnt to ride a bike and a scooter today. Woot. You lot can throw all your children away now cos mine wins.

Want to believe the goddamned singer wrote the song

So today ws an exercise in misery. Crippled with pain all day. Foal had good time but i cant hold phone for long. Pain level ridiculous joints tender to touch.
I managed to distract self by tidying mums fridge and kitchen, cooking derby scones and garibaldis and also maple cooked gammon with parsley sauce.

Garibaldis slight variance...
Oven 200c
Sr Flour 100g
Butter 25g
Salt 1 pinch
Sugar 25g
Malt extract 1tsp
Egg
50g currants soaked in hot water 20 mins.
Rub in fat to flour n salt. Add sugar, then egg yolk, malt extract and enough milk to bring into v stiff paste. Work on a slab for 2 mins.
Roll out to 2mm, scatter half thickly with currants. Fold over, then roll diwn to 2mm again. Trim to rectangle then cut into biscuit shapes.
Brush with egg white then dredge with caster sugar.
Bake till golden n crisp.
Nom.

Turn cartwheels cross the floor

So last night i drove down. Bh traffic meant 7 hours in the car and it was hell on the joints. My back and hips and shoulders are very sore today. Shoulders very very tender in fact.
My brother keeps trying to persuade me to change career. Its getting very irritating. I dont care enough about anything to do it.
Stuck on sofa. But foal is happy outside. Getting v wet.