Translate

Thursday 26 February 2015

Got a little black book with my poems in.

Thi pist was written in late february. Mrsinky originally asked me not to post it. I think now it is appropriate. 

This post contains lyrics I didn't write.  I hope the authors will understand my usage of them.  It comes from profound appreciation.

Roger Waters is a prophet, a genius and a symptom.

I mean sure there are bands that sound more miserable than vintage Floyd.  The Smiths come to mind ( never could stand them.  I studied in Salford, everyone had their photo taken outside the lads club. but gah). Leonard Cohen on a good day could sound more depressing I suppose although actually his poems ( I dont think of them as songs ) have a rare and fragile beauty. Anyone in a distance relationship will find
I loved you in the morning, our kisses deep and warm, 
your hair upon the pillow like a sleepy golden storm, 
yes, many loved before us, I know that we are not new, 
in city and in forest they smiled like me and you, 
but now it's come to distances and both of us must try, 
your eyes are soft with sorrow, 
Hey, that's no way to say goodbye.

something enormously descriptive of the process. Cohen's work is often covered by others but they tend to leave out the tough bits. Chelsea Hotel with it's killer line "we are ugly but we got the music" is simply beautiful. I am certain that Janis would approve.  People like Radiohead are novices by comparison although I do think Airbag conveys the feeling of depression well.

Like many people my age Pink Floyd was a huge part of my young life. It started, typically, with The Wall.  The Wall is arguably the best concept album ever produced.  And also the worst represented in terms of singles.  Everyone remembers it for "we don't need no education" aka Another brick n the Wall and yes, I have to say that was my introduction.  But then buying the album they would find, instead of the expected anti school songs that the whole thing was the story of a man in a job that took him away from home and forced him to perform in front of others (rock star in this case).  He had an absent father (dead) an overbearing mother, very poor relationships with others.  He becomes isolated from people, then reality.  His wife starts seeing someone else (it is unclear if this is real or a paranoid fear) and he completely cuts himself off from reality, building a "wall" between himself and others, which finally collapses.  Im not certain if the official interpretation of the collapse being a good thing is valid.

In terms of background my Dad was absent a lot ( not dead just working away) my Mum is...erm...forceful I have a job that requires me to travel and perform (any lecturer who isn't a performer is bad at it) ....you see why he is a prophet?

For those unused to concept albums/rock operas this sounds strange.  I urge you to give it a go. start at the beginning and work through.

Anyway I can say that I probably know every Floyd lyric from every album after ummagumma.  But as tweeted by @bengoldacre recently song lyrics can reveal your subconscious thoughts.  Recently I have found myself singing and playing "Nobody Home"
on the guitar.  And that piano intro is very hard to do.

Since xmas things have been bad. To understand why you have to go back a bit.  Also I am going to disregard the influence my EDS and medication has on this situation, so you have to add that in for fairness.  Also remember this is written from my point of view and so even though I am trying to be fair it must be remembered there is another side.

I got a job in Zurich.  On paper it is one of the best jobs I ever had and at first it was.  Before I took it Mrsinky agreed she would find a job in Zurich and we would transplant.  For one reason or another, not least the financial crash hitting Switzerland and their closing down the borders, Mrsinky hasn't been able to find a job there so we live apart.  At first I commuted every other weekend, flying back on the 7 am flight Monday morning which got me in to Z town work building at 10.30am  On a Friday I would have to leave at 3pm.

My working day is normally long.  Although as I may have stated before I struggle to get in in the mornings I work until late in the evening and call in at weekends so I more than cover the hours.  However my boss really resented the commute weekends.  It felt like he would deliberately schedule meetings when I wasn't there then blame me for not being there.  this is what it felt like, it may or may not be true.  So I ended up going home for one weekend a month.

Mrsinky doesn't cope well with people leaving.  See Leonard Cohen above.  When I got home she would turn on the tv, watch Hollyoaks on the Sky+ and ignore me.  Then when we got to bed turn her back and fall asleep.  She felt she had to reconnect with me, as I was a strange irritant in her home.  When you have 2 days together there's not much reconnecting.  All the way home I would be longing to see her, and yes, I am a bloke, touch her.  Then when I got home I couldn't.  I cannot blame her for this, it is not fair to do so.  I can see her point.  I can also see my behaviour was bad because even if you have been doing nothing but look forward to seeing someone for a week, counting the sleeps, not wanking in anticipation etc. it is wrong to impose your feelings on another.

Anyway after xmas I found that I was increasingly in the position of the guy in the song. Calls, texts and emails were not returned, either through bad luck or happenstance.  My world began to fall apart.

I have to apologise to Mrsinky for sharing this stuff, and I hope I am being fair to her.  I am trying to say what my perception was and to be fair.  I am sorry my darling.  I love you so much. If I don't connect with someone, even these imaginary people, I cannot go on. Please understand.

Anyway for the first time in my Marriage I didn't feel like she was there.  In the back of my head I always had her there with me, wherever I was.  I don't know if I ever told you that sweetheart? I always knew you were there. Now she was gone.  So  was my anchor to reality.

Oddly from a work perspective it began to look better.  Things from my cavernous Moebius To-Do list began to be done.  But this was not a good thing.  I was clearing my desk.  I began looking up LD50 data on all the lab chemicals to see how much I would need to take to be certain of death.  I stashed some polythene sheeting in my cupboard to spread on the floor under my corpse so that the mess would be contained if the poison made me shit myself.  I worked out which day to do it on so the cleaner found me, not my colleagues.  This may seem rough but frankly she is a cow.  I got down to two items on the list when a row errupted with my boss over funding, we had a meeting and then he basically ordered me home to talk to Mrsinky.

At first we did not talk at all.  My Valentines gifts sat unopened on the table. By the Wednesday ( I flew home Friday night) I was sat on the couch as per the Dalek post, fighting the suicidal ideation.  I was too scared to move.  The truth is that I need her.  Only time will tell if I get to keep her but I need her.  Without her my world stops.

Mrsinky and I have started talking.  It hasn't been helped by the GP giving me some news that has completely removed any basis for my identity.  I spent 2 days unable to be in the same room as mrsinky or to talk. I have eaten 3 chocolates (Sprungli, shoot me.) a yoghurt and a pot noodle since Monday. I am going to the gym, picking machines without mirrors near so I dont have to look at myself and exercising till I feel faint and sick. I am punishing myself.  I still have to keep doing things.  Hence the loser length blog post.  When I stop the images of ropes and knives and pills come back and my world crumbles again.  This time it is worse.  Losing mrsinky made my world stop.  This has removed any chance of a world again, has removed me. I do not know what the future holds because I cannot imagine one.  I cannot live with this.
That is the closest I can get to talking about it.  And that just made me vomit into my latte glass in Costa.

Anyway, I urge you to listen to the Wall, even if only out of curiosity.  After all it does contain the two finest guitar solos of all time.

3 comments:

  1. Oh this is so dreadfully sad. It's very brave of you to share such private emotions and thoughts. You'll be in my heart. ♥

    ReplyDelete
  2. What a shit place and time to be in. I know all your music references only too well and always find my eyes filling with tears when I hear them.
    Take care, please. Lx

    ReplyDelete
  3. Inky, where are you with CMHT support? It seems that you need that more than ever, in this terrible place. Can you chase up your referral?

    BTW, I listen to Quadrophenia or Tommy when I need music therapy of that sort! The former has some very grim moments.

    Take good care, as Lysistrata says.

    Cathy

    ReplyDelete